I turn 30 in T-Minus 33 minutes. I believe my body and soul and mind are in shock. There were moments throughout today where I thought I would lose it and start crying hysterically. I'd then choke it down and think, "I feel fine...You're FINE." Then I'd get a pit in my stomach and want to just go lay down. But I barreled on through and had a lovely last day of my 20's dinner with a friend.
The truth is I've been saying I'm 30 for months now. My mother, who I'm certain didn't like to think of her baby as being that old, would keep saying, "Krystle, you aren't 30, stop saying that." To which I'd reply, "I'm just getting ready for it, I'm almost there anyway." So I have been preparing myself for this day probably from the moment I turned 29. Knowing that this big milestone of a year would be fast approaching and I needed to be ok with it.
I think under any other circumstances I WOULD NOT be ready for it. You see, last year at this time I was in a commited relationship which I believed was headed to marriage. In society, I felt, if a woman was in-love and working towards a career and on her way to the altar then she was doing damn good for a 30 year old. BOY OH BOY could I have been more of a 1950's backwards thinker?
If I hadn't been so unhappy in Love I wouldn't know now that in truth, I'm not looking for Love or Marriage or Even the best most prestigious career at this point. I want to live my life with passion and excitement and purpose. I want to cross things off a life-long goal list and say, "I'm amazing and interesting because I interest myself! If I were a stranger in a room, I would want to know me because I make myself happy everyday. And who doesn't want to know someone who lives life fully?" I want to Make my 30's the best years of my life. I want to look back and not regret a single missed opportunity for joy and peace.
So here it is. The beginning of this Gutsy, Gusto driven Girl. Who Checks things off with flare and excitement. Who gets things done and has lots of smiles to show for it.
HERE IS MY 30 WHILE 30 List:
1. Run a Half Marathon
2. Have a BMI of 20-24
3. Adopt more Healthy Eating Habits
4. Audition for The Voice
5 Go to Ireland
6. Go on 10 first dates
7. Talk to my Mom once a day. And Call my out of town family At least Once a week.
8. Master A, D, G, & Em on Bandit (My Guitar)
9. Blog once a week
10.Try to obtain a larger audience for my blog
11.Learn photoshop/editing/web stuffs to create a better blog
12.Volunteer somewhere once a month or more. Be integrated fully to where I am a face remembered and not just a random helper
13.Take someone who needs it (homeless etc.)to eat once a month
14. Create a budget
15. Start a savings
16. Read 20 books
17. Find a Hot-Air Balloon Internship
18. Talk to Creative Services Dept, Learn more about becoming a promotions Director
19. Study a religious work once a week. Alternate
20. Be creative 3x a week.
21. Write More Love Letters
22. Journal DAILY!
23. BE A GUEST BLOGGER FOR Stratejoy!
24. Start Each Day with Love and Positivity Towards myself.
25. Write a song
26. Audition for more plays etc. With no intent of beign in them, just for the experience.
27. Learn to Dance to where you can be confident when do choregraphed moves
28. Be social media free 1 day a week
29. Be more organized
30. REMIND YOURSELF WHEN THINGS START GETTING BEHIND THAT THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING AND THIS YEAR WILL BE AMAZING!!!
So there it is! My goals for my 30th year. I know it won't be easy, but I know now that life has been begging me to play with it for far too long and it's about time I pick up that ball and get it rolling!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
What is Unconditional Love?
First off, it's what I strive for. Learning to Love purely and wholly. I have this friend, He was inspiration for some profound writings in his day, and I want to Love like Him. He was incredibly confident and amazing. He never let negativity get to Him. There were times where no one would have faulted Him if He slugged a guy or two for the awful things they put Him through, but He never faultered.
Other people in this world were like Him. Ghandi chose Love and refused Violence. Mother Theresa gave up everything to live a life of service never faining in her devoted cause.
These people inspired me. Do inspire me. Along with many others and more whom I have yet to be completely familiar with.
About 3 years ago I decided I wanted to learn to Love like that. Be bold and brash with Love. To seek nothing in return. To Love UNCONDITIONALLY.
I talked about it a lot. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what it meant. But it's all theory til it's put to good use.
I fell in love and thought, "this is it." But you know. It wasn't. And that's ok. But what I learned most was that, I EXPECT A LOT in Love. And because of those expecations my heart was always hurting and I never felt fulfilled.
In this time I started reading a book called "Real Love" by Greg Baer given to me by one of my best gab session friends My Aunt Sheila. I started reading with Wild abandon trying to find a way to salvage a broken relationship. And it started with a bang
"Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without
any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give
Real Love, we’re not disappointed, hurt, or angry, even when
people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return
– including gratitude – because our concern is for their happiness,
not our own. Real Love is unconditional."
I know. I know. You think. "This is not Healthy", "You can be used and abused this way." But it goes on.
"It’s Real Love when other people care about OUR happiness
without any concern for themselves. They’re not disappointed or
angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what
they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally."
You see you don't have to expect it. You can just be on the lookout for it. We are human and this kind of love is NOT EASY. In fact we may fail 9 times out of 10 to Love this way. But I truly believe it is this form of Love that makes the heart happy and fulfilled.
*Segue*
I battle with negative ruminations. My mind is quite mean sometimes. Says really awful things. And for a long time I believed them. Any emotion tied to a slanderous thought was biblical and to be listened to and obeyed. One of these things I told myself was that I was unlovable. That my boyfriend didn't love me and I had to constantly question this fact.
"He never calls me and says goodmorning, he must not love me."
"He never seems overly excited to see me, he must not know he doesn't love me"
"He never talks about marriage or wanting me to be with him forever,
HE REALLY DOESN'T LOVE ME."
Etc...Etc...Etc...
So here I am 3 years since that first venture into loving better, and 6 months after a failed relationship. What have I learned about unconditional Love?...
That it's the only choice I have.
This big heart of mine holds so much. It hurts easy and LOVES ALOT. BUT it doesn't know how to stop loving once it's started. It doesn't know how to let go. However, when loving someone despite what they have done to you it hurts even more when you expect for them to say sorry. Or for them to come crawling back saying,
"You were right. I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't been in my life. I am the man I am because of you. Choosing some girl over your friendship was stupid and I want nothing more than for you to be in my life again."
Because...it's not going to happen. And wanting for it only belittles your Love, Makes you hurt and causes you to cry all morning while your roommate listens to you blubber on and on in circles about your recent texting venture.
So here is where this lands. Are you ready?
A heart that Loves someone despite being wounded is stronger than one that lashes out. A heart that can say
"I know you hurt me and I know that you don't necessarily love me anymore but I will care for you anyway and hold you here because I have so much room and I already built you a place of your own,"
is on it's way to the Love My Friend and Ghandi and the Great Mother Theresa lived.
I am learning how to not expect from others. To Love without precepts. To NOT think the worst and to ACCEPT ALL THAT I AM.
Accepting who I am means not trying to cut ties when I know my forgiving heart will think fondly of them again tomorrow. But being strong enough to allow time for healing.
This journey is still unfolding but I wanted to put it out there write it down as a reminder of who I am and who I strive to be.
Other people in this world were like Him. Ghandi chose Love and refused Violence. Mother Theresa gave up everything to live a life of service never faining in her devoted cause.
These people inspired me. Do inspire me. Along with many others and more whom I have yet to be completely familiar with.
About 3 years ago I decided I wanted to learn to Love like that. Be bold and brash with Love. To seek nothing in return. To Love UNCONDITIONALLY.
I talked about it a lot. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what it meant. But it's all theory til it's put to good use.
I fell in love and thought, "this is it." But you know. It wasn't. And that's ok. But what I learned most was that, I EXPECT A LOT in Love. And because of those expecations my heart was always hurting and I never felt fulfilled.
In this time I started reading a book called "Real Love" by Greg Baer given to me by one of my best gab session friends My Aunt Sheila. I started reading with Wild abandon trying to find a way to salvage a broken relationship. And it started with a bang
"Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without
any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give
Real Love, we’re not disappointed, hurt, or angry, even when
people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return
– including gratitude – because our concern is for their happiness,
not our own. Real Love is unconditional."
I know. I know. You think. "This is not Healthy", "You can be used and abused this way." But it goes on.
"It’s Real Love when other people care about OUR happiness
without any concern for themselves. They’re not disappointed or
angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what
they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally."
You see you don't have to expect it. You can just be on the lookout for it. We are human and this kind of love is NOT EASY. In fact we may fail 9 times out of 10 to Love this way. But I truly believe it is this form of Love that makes the heart happy and fulfilled.
*Segue*
I battle with negative ruminations. My mind is quite mean sometimes. Says really awful things. And for a long time I believed them. Any emotion tied to a slanderous thought was biblical and to be listened to and obeyed. One of these things I told myself was that I was unlovable. That my boyfriend didn't love me and I had to constantly question this fact.
"He never calls me and says goodmorning, he must not love me."
"He never seems overly excited to see me, he must not know he doesn't love me"
"He never talks about marriage or wanting me to be with him forever,
HE REALLY DOESN'T LOVE ME."
Etc...Etc...Etc...
So here I am 3 years since that first venture into loving better, and 6 months after a failed relationship. What have I learned about unconditional Love?...
That it's the only choice I have.
This big heart of mine holds so much. It hurts easy and LOVES ALOT. BUT it doesn't know how to stop loving once it's started. It doesn't know how to let go. However, when loving someone despite what they have done to you it hurts even more when you expect for them to say sorry. Or for them to come crawling back saying,
"You were right. I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't been in my life. I am the man I am because of you. Choosing some girl over your friendship was stupid and I want nothing more than for you to be in my life again."
Because...it's not going to happen. And wanting for it only belittles your Love, Makes you hurt and causes you to cry all morning while your roommate listens to you blubber on and on in circles about your recent texting venture.
So here is where this lands. Are you ready?
A heart that Loves someone despite being wounded is stronger than one that lashes out. A heart that can say
"I know you hurt me and I know that you don't necessarily love me anymore but I will care for you anyway and hold you here because I have so much room and I already built you a place of your own,"
is on it's way to the Love My Friend and Ghandi and the Great Mother Theresa lived.
I am learning how to not expect from others. To Love without precepts. To NOT think the worst and to ACCEPT ALL THAT I AM.
Accepting who I am means not trying to cut ties when I know my forgiving heart will think fondly of them again tomorrow. But being strong enough to allow time for healing.
This journey is still unfolding but I wanted to put it out there write it down as a reminder of who I am and who I strive to be.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
My Quarterlife Crisis and the Road to Joy
This is the blogpost I had submitted to be a guest blogger for the site Stratejoy. This site and it's tribe help me daily to be me. Better me, happier me, MORE ME, ME! I hope you enjoy!
We are always getting ready to live but never living. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am an analytical dreamer with a touch of pessimism, and my QLC started just when I thought I had finally figured it all out. The Career, The Guy etc. It was going to be picturesque…or so I thought.
As my 27th year was coming to a close I had just finished a stint as an Americorps Volunteer. I was working at a private Christian school and barely making it. However, I was sitting on a scholarship of sorts. I needed to decide where to go back to school. School had never been my thing, but I was determined to FINALLY stick to it. I wasn’t getting any younger, but the people I worked with at the minimum wage jobs were. I looked into a Stenography Program that seemed completely opposite of who I am. Sitting in a courtroom not talking to anyone and writing really fast is not conducive to my fun-loving, people oriented, service driven ideals. Then one day, one of my much younger co-workers who was recently engaged was talking to me about all the high falootin’ plans she and her fiancé had. They were moving to Washington D.C. so he could work on Capitol Hill or Become a C.I.A Agent or something Grand and Awesome like that. Right then, in a moment of weakness of self, in moment of un-fair comparisons I decided, “Court Reporting School Here I come.” I reasoned that because of the fabulous paycheck that was offered to a stenographer I could fund the things that I REALLY wanted to do with my life. That sometimes you just have to grow up and find a career that perhaps, maybe, isn’t your hearts desire. Especially if you still didn’t know what that was…
In my second month of school I was kicking Ass, practicing everyday, and getting heaps of compliments from my teachers on how fast I was picking it up. (I start all school endeavors this way) Then I met the boy who changed my world. He was Tall and Awkward (And I like tall and awkward) He was a bit younger than me but I was intrigued and smitten from day 1. Because he was so painfully shy and I’ve never met a stranger, I did all the work and eventually convinced him he loved me.
*Sidenote* Girls, NEVER convince a boy to love you.
So here I was on the path to a career, the love of my life and limitless poss..i…bil..i…
And that’s where the happy imagery ends.
About 7 months into our relationship the two of us decided to share a moment of intimacy that would forever change the course of our lives together. I always thought I’d only ever make-love to one man. So this heightened the stakes of this early budding relationship. I then, of course, went on the pill. This made me hormonally and emotionally wrecked. He was a lovely boy who had spent his life in solitude and I wanted him to “Grow up”, “Be a Man”, and “Tell me you want to be with me forever.” And you know what? He couldn’t do it. He had yet to live fully on HIS own terms yet. So thinking of being someone’s husband and father was not even fathomable to him. I became depressed and felt unloved. I concluded that it was all my fault and I just needed to be better for him. I would stop lashing out. I would stop feeling upset when he didn’t include me in what was going on in that steel locked up mind of his. I started reading books about Love and how to express it better than I currently was. I purchased journals and consulted anyone who would listen. You know what he did? Watched baseball and said “Do you think sometimes two people are just too different and aren’t meant to be together?” This crushed me. I’m of the school of heart that Love conquers all. And if you truly love someone you try hard and make it work. You don’t let them go. So that’s what I did. I shifted gears. I started thinking maybe I needed to learn how to be happy. So I didn’t feel like he needed to change and grow and I could just be content. Then from a post that Miss Molly posted, I purchased “Learned Optimism.” But I did what I normally do with new books. I read the first chapter and then left it sitting on my nightstand for months.
One night, after watching an Episode of Fringe, I dared to breach the subject of marriage…again. I asked what his time-frame was. What he wanted and what he was planning etc. He then said “Probably not for 5-10 years.” And I calmly expressed that those numbers would put me at the later end of 30 and I didn’t really want to wait that long. After the constant feeling of sadness, not feeling like I was loved, Always fighting, discontent with the lack of communication and now this, We decided to end the relationship.
Not long after we parted ways I decided to pick up that book again. I then withdrew from school and obtained a position at a TV Station the VERY SAME DAY! Sometimes life awards you when you listen to your heart and that still voice that says “This isn’t working.”
I’m still dealing with the loss of my first love. Condensing it to a short action packed story leaves out all the Love we did share. But every day is better. I truly believe I wouldn’t be headed on this path or even writing this post now if I hadn’t had this valley to come through.
It turns out that trying my hardest to love someone the best way I could lead me to discovering the best way to Love myself.
Finding out a little bit more about oneself is, in my opinion, one of the best feelings. To know that NOW you can go and love a little bit better, treat people with a little more kindness, and just simply be a more genuine AWESOME version of yourself.
I still don’t know what I want as far as a career and love goes. If anything, I’m a bit more confused. However, I DO KNOW the person I want to be. I know that happiness and joy are more important than a paycheck and that as I seek them the rest falls into place.
Please visit www.stratejoy.com to be inspired and renewed by the amazing ladies over there!
We are always getting ready to live but never living. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
I am an analytical dreamer with a touch of pessimism, and my QLC started just when I thought I had finally figured it all out. The Career, The Guy etc. It was going to be picturesque…or so I thought.
As my 27th year was coming to a close I had just finished a stint as an Americorps Volunteer. I was working at a private Christian school and barely making it. However, I was sitting on a scholarship of sorts. I needed to decide where to go back to school. School had never been my thing, but I was determined to FINALLY stick to it. I wasn’t getting any younger, but the people I worked with at the minimum wage jobs were. I looked into a Stenography Program that seemed completely opposite of who I am. Sitting in a courtroom not talking to anyone and writing really fast is not conducive to my fun-loving, people oriented, service driven ideals. Then one day, one of my much younger co-workers who was recently engaged was talking to me about all the high falootin’ plans she and her fiancé had. They were moving to Washington D.C. so he could work on Capitol Hill or Become a C.I.A Agent or something Grand and Awesome like that. Right then, in a moment of weakness of self, in moment of un-fair comparisons I decided, “Court Reporting School Here I come.” I reasoned that because of the fabulous paycheck that was offered to a stenographer I could fund the things that I REALLY wanted to do with my life. That sometimes you just have to grow up and find a career that perhaps, maybe, isn’t your hearts desire. Especially if you still didn’t know what that was…
In my second month of school I was kicking Ass, practicing everyday, and getting heaps of compliments from my teachers on how fast I was picking it up. (I start all school endeavors this way) Then I met the boy who changed my world. He was Tall and Awkward (And I like tall and awkward) He was a bit younger than me but I was intrigued and smitten from day 1. Because he was so painfully shy and I’ve never met a stranger, I did all the work and eventually convinced him he loved me.
*Sidenote* Girls, NEVER convince a boy to love you.
So here I was on the path to a career, the love of my life and limitless poss..i…bil..i…
And that’s where the happy imagery ends.
About 7 months into our relationship the two of us decided to share a moment of intimacy that would forever change the course of our lives together. I always thought I’d only ever make-love to one man. So this heightened the stakes of this early budding relationship. I then, of course, went on the pill. This made me hormonally and emotionally wrecked. He was a lovely boy who had spent his life in solitude and I wanted him to “Grow up”, “Be a Man”, and “Tell me you want to be with me forever.” And you know what? He couldn’t do it. He had yet to live fully on HIS own terms yet. So thinking of being someone’s husband and father was not even fathomable to him. I became depressed and felt unloved. I concluded that it was all my fault and I just needed to be better for him. I would stop lashing out. I would stop feeling upset when he didn’t include me in what was going on in that steel locked up mind of his. I started reading books about Love and how to express it better than I currently was. I purchased journals and consulted anyone who would listen. You know what he did? Watched baseball and said “Do you think sometimes two people are just too different and aren’t meant to be together?” This crushed me. I’m of the school of heart that Love conquers all. And if you truly love someone you try hard and make it work. You don’t let them go. So that’s what I did. I shifted gears. I started thinking maybe I needed to learn how to be happy. So I didn’t feel like he needed to change and grow and I could just be content. Then from a post that Miss Molly posted, I purchased “Learned Optimism.” But I did what I normally do with new books. I read the first chapter and then left it sitting on my nightstand for months.
One night, after watching an Episode of Fringe, I dared to breach the subject of marriage…again. I asked what his time-frame was. What he wanted and what he was planning etc. He then said “Probably not for 5-10 years.” And I calmly expressed that those numbers would put me at the later end of 30 and I didn’t really want to wait that long. After the constant feeling of sadness, not feeling like I was loved, Always fighting, discontent with the lack of communication and now this, We decided to end the relationship.
Not long after we parted ways I decided to pick up that book again. I then withdrew from school and obtained a position at a TV Station the VERY SAME DAY! Sometimes life awards you when you listen to your heart and that still voice that says “This isn’t working.”
I’m still dealing with the loss of my first love. Condensing it to a short action packed story leaves out all the Love we did share. But every day is better. I truly believe I wouldn’t be headed on this path or even writing this post now if I hadn’t had this valley to come through.
It turns out that trying my hardest to love someone the best way I could lead me to discovering the best way to Love myself.
Finding out a little bit more about oneself is, in my opinion, one of the best feelings. To know that NOW you can go and love a little bit better, treat people with a little more kindness, and just simply be a more genuine AWESOME version of yourself.
I still don’t know what I want as far as a career and love goes. If anything, I’m a bit more confused. However, I DO KNOW the person I want to be. I know that happiness and joy are more important than a paycheck and that as I seek them the rest falls into place.
Please visit www.stratejoy.com to be inspired and renewed by the amazing ladies over there!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
