Falling with Precision

I have always thought of falling in love as this out-of-control descent. One where you lose all sensibility and to quote Lorelai Gilmore, "It all comes out in stupid."

I thought I was in-love before. And I did exhibit these traits. I lost my sense of self in the process. EVERY TIME. My sole happiness was in this person. I would imagine the fictional life we would create together, which was never based in reality. i.e.

"We are going to have a bunch of kids and be like the Von Trapp family. Music will fill our home."

I told myself this about my best friend...Who is a GAY.

 OR

"We are going to have a white picket fence and get married and have a life of adventure."

That lie was about my much younger boyfriend who cringed at the thought of marriage and spontaneity stressed him out.

AND

"I should start looking for jobs in the bay area to be near him"

My highschool boyfriend who made it very clear that this reunion we were involved in was casual and did not constitute a relationship.

I was in such desperate need for joy and an escape from my humdrum life that I imagined these scenarios in hopes that I would be whisked away to a life unlike mine. Filled with contentment and everything my heart desired.

Then one day, about a year ago, I realized I needed to make my life exactly what I wanted. I needed to wake up each morning happy with the life I was creating. One where I wouldn't need an escape anymore, but rather, a man who simply added to the already happy life I was living.

And that was approximately the time this blog started. It was the start of a life changing, Happiness capturing, Joy permeating journey. I started learning how wonderful this life is. How amazing I really have it. What a gift it is to be loved so much and to be able to share my love in return. I found, and am finding, what my strengths are and feeling all kinds of fulfilled when I am actively using them. I AM WHOLE!

I don't need a "better" half. Or someone to complete me.

So as I sit here...falling. I liken it more to a bungee jumper, or a hang glider. There is the danger of getting hurt. And this is the biggest thrill I have ever experienced. I'm not asking the million questions I usually do and I'm not being hyper-analytic. So I'm losing my sensibilities in that way, but my life is beautiful and I am tethered to it. My identity is not found in another but in the world I have built up around me. I'd like for him to be a part of that. A BIG part of that. I'd like for him to take the pen and write some of it too.

But that's getting ahead of myself. And I am, for once, perfectly content in the now. Knowing that falling will not cause me to fall apart if this ends in a broken landing.