Don't talk about it, Be about it

Ralphy Boy here is one of my absolute faves. His words always seem to resonate in all the corners of my being. I quote him often and say things like, "He's my fave," all the time. Sadly though, I have yet to read a whole work of his. I don't own one book by him. I know quotes. As far as my knowledge goes though the context could be crazy off. That quote could continue on to say, "...So stop theorizing about punching babies and just do it."

I realized after my last post that I talk and think a lot of things. And to some, including myself, reading about how someone should be living their life and not ever reading how she has actually implemented these things could be repetitive and not so much fun to read about. Granted, if by some miracle my realizations inspire others to take action, I could count this blog a win. However, what is an inspirer or a life lived soley in your mind?

I used to utterly loathe the term, "Actions speak louder than words." An Ex friend would say it ALL THE TIME. She would use it to prove herself right in situations. Stating that my words meant nothing. I would argue that my words reflect my heart and though I was working on changing it didn't mean that the words were void. WORDS ARE MY LIFE (to quote Never Been Kissed)

I have come to believe that neither words nor actions alone can prove a heart's desire or life's passion. It is the combined effort of both that create a fully intentional life.

So it's time I DO. BE the version of myself in my head. I don't have to travel to Africa to help people in need. I don't have to travel to be cultured. I don't have to move to New York and make cozy with the hip underground thespians to start acting again.

And most importantly I will never find community in other places until I find it right here. I say I want to live in harmony and be all hippie beatnik-y but the truth is I don't play well with others. Sure I'm a great friend. I will be there for you and listen and tell you how amazing you are. BUT bother me when I'm sleeping or have the audacity to be home with all the lights on when all I want to do is go to sleep and I'm all kinds of annoyed. This is not comprimise. This is not harmonious living. I'm rather Bitchy, guys. Seriously.

My point is this. I keep this picturesque life in my head perhaps because owning that I could live it out right here, right now, would mean giving up selfishness. Releasing control. And erasing ideals.

So to force my life into reality (Other than being in Love with Norman Reedus, that will be a constant. That man does something to me) I am vowing to have at least 2 action blogs a month. Recounting an action I've taken to live my best life. This will be both affirming and show me the progess I've made.

I'd love to hear what actions you've taken to be fully present and achiev-y in YOUR life! Did you take time to be grateful? Pay your bills even though you didn't want to? Eat a Salad instead of a Burger? Everything counts People! And I am quite good at encouragement so share away and let me praise your efforts!

If you want to know why sharing is good and why having me say how awesome you are is good for you read Eleni's Post  from today!



What are your intentions, Sir?

Sometimes, like today, when I think "I'm not feeling inpsired by much," I wonder if it will be a day for Sass and Sparkle and a less weighty Blog Topic. But who am I kidding...right? I'm Deep, Yo. It's what I do.

So here I am with the topic of intention. I feel as though this theme in life is a hard one to come by. Not just in blatant ways. I.e. going to the store TO buy groceries, Applying somewhere TO get a job. But in the more interpersonal ways. Why are you really talking to this guy? Did you really just call your mom to say hi? Why DON'T you want this person to be a part of this? etc.

I find in this life, my intentions seem very muddled. I'm not certain why. I could psychoanalyze myself and tell you all the reasons it could be...but I'll spare you. I think it all comes down to second guessing myself at every turn. Which I believe is because, though I like to think not, I care FAR TOO MUCH what people think of me. So when I say or do anything and someone gets upset, I immediately feel bad. Oh, I'll put up a fight. I'll argue my case and rebuttle with the best of them. But inside, I feel at fault. Always.

*cue violins*

So this leads me on a path of confusion with lots of encounters.

I also think, as a human race, we try to put our best face forward. There is nothing wrong with this. However, for me at least, I find myself denying truths and laughing off accusations. What would happen if a guy said, "You know, I think you are wanting more out of this than I do. I thought we were just friends." And I replied with, "You are right. You are a great guy and I thought this could turn into something great. But I understand, you can't help attraction, right." Instead of "Umm, No. Somebody thinks too highly of themselves." Or instead when someone labels me as "Quiet" thinking, "You know. I can be. And there's nothing wrong with that."

There are more, with much more heinous labels and angry words usually thrown my way by my family, but what if instead of rage, I just owned them. At least if they were true. Yeah, I can be a Bitch sometimes...So can each and every one of us. It doesn't make me a horrible person it makes me human. And that is something I am proud to be...most of the time. Sometimes I'd rather be an Orca or Narwhal or even a little snow monkey. But most times, I enjoy my humanity.

Finding my intention is what I crave most right now. To live life on purpose and know exactly why I do every single thing I do and stand behind every word I utter. Like why do I blog? Partly because it is cheaper than a therapist and I enjoy having a place for my overwhelming thoughts instead of having to bore a friend with them. But I'm not going to lie. I hope people love what I have to say. That they feel a connection to it and that I can make them think. I check my stats repeatedly and hope more people would comment. Sooo...I'm a bit narcissistic. I want more blog friends. I want to go to Blogger events and have people feel about me the way I feel about Eleni Zoe or Peter DeWolf. BUT they are crazy good writers and I am a girl from Fresno just vomiting thoughts on a screen in the 2 hours she has at work to do so once a week.

So yeah. That's why I blog.

I think I'm going to start an Intention journal. Write down why I say & do things that cause me confusion/upset. And not just the reasons I would tell the public, but the truth. And, perhaps, this will allow me to know myself that much better and, fingers crossed, one day my journal and what I put out in the world will align.


(My intention was to let you know I struggle internally with my intentions. My fear right now is that you think I'm a big fat Fakey. I'm not. At All. Just working to be the most genuine version of myself.)