December 17th

I can remember the exact day. I think it may live in infamy. One of those days that you just can't forget. Even if you want to. Perhaps. Or maybe, it's just going to take a bit more time.

It's not easy erasing the day you got the news. THE news, that informed you of the reality that your hold wasn't really all that strong. Your efforts were not pervasive enough to warrant a little more time. Later you learned that your impact had diminished long before the end. Before the Break.

The break didn't bring too much pain. Isn't that the time it's supposed to hurt the most? Breaking usually warrants an ache, a pang. Don't misunderstand. Breaking caused a dull twinge. But it wasn't until you got the news, that the agony really set in.

Confusion soon followed. You always doubted the devotion. Some say that's why you failed to have it. But this, this was all too enigmatic. When and where did the canyon form? Your apologies were sincere and you were confident in the bond. Yet here you were, holding the end of an unraveling tie.

Saline was a taste you knew all too well those next few months. Relinquishing the rope seemed imperative at the time and with it, all entanglement was lost. At least in reality. In your mind and heart, people can rarely be undone.

You got stronger. EVERY DAY. Epiphanies have a way of finding you with ease and joy crept in little by little. Soon you'd go days without thinking about that news. You would realize that you do have a hold and your impact far outreaches that of what you had hoped for.

Resenting it all set in with the boost of confidence. Anger absorbed the hurt and you navigated through Joyful days and eventful nights claiming that this was your right of passage. That Day became a far less pondered event. Frankly, you had too much Happiness and Joy to claim to allow it to take up residency anymore.

The news source then offers consolation and with it the final load is alleviated. Freedom is imminent.

With a long exhale an altered fondness takes shape. Life is as abundant as you could hope for.

However, Just like the sun and the moon. It comes back around. And though its affect is no longer damaging, it continues to hold just as much mystery.

What are your intentions, Sir?

Sometimes, like today, when I think "I'm not feeling inpsired by much," I wonder if it will be a day for Sass and Sparkle and a less weighty Blog Topic. But who am I kidding...right? I'm Deep, Yo. It's what I do.

So here I am with the topic of intention. I feel as though this theme in life is a hard one to come by. Not just in blatant ways. I.e. going to the store TO buy groceries, Applying somewhere TO get a job. But in the more interpersonal ways. Why are you really talking to this guy? Did you really just call your mom to say hi? Why DON'T you want this person to be a part of this? etc.

I find in this life, my intentions seem very muddled. I'm not certain why. I could psychoanalyze myself and tell you all the reasons it could be...but I'll spare you. I think it all comes down to second guessing myself at every turn. Which I believe is because, though I like to think not, I care FAR TOO MUCH what people think of me. So when I say or do anything and someone gets upset, I immediately feel bad. Oh, I'll put up a fight. I'll argue my case and rebuttle with the best of them. But inside, I feel at fault. Always.

*cue violins*

So this leads me on a path of confusion with lots of encounters.

I also think, as a human race, we try to put our best face forward. There is nothing wrong with this. However, for me at least, I find myself denying truths and laughing off accusations. What would happen if a guy said, "You know, I think you are wanting more out of this than I do. I thought we were just friends." And I replied with, "You are right. You are a great guy and I thought this could turn into something great. But I understand, you can't help attraction, right." Instead of "Umm, No. Somebody thinks too highly of themselves." Or instead when someone labels me as "Quiet" thinking, "You know. I can be. And there's nothing wrong with that."

There are more, with much more heinous labels and angry words usually thrown my way by my family, but what if instead of rage, I just owned them. At least if they were true. Yeah, I can be a Bitch sometimes...So can each and every one of us. It doesn't make me a horrible person it makes me human. And that is something I am proud to be...most of the time. Sometimes I'd rather be an Orca or Narwhal or even a little snow monkey. But most times, I enjoy my humanity.

Finding my intention is what I crave most right now. To live life on purpose and know exactly why I do every single thing I do and stand behind every word I utter. Like why do I blog? Partly because it is cheaper than a therapist and I enjoy having a place for my overwhelming thoughts instead of having to bore a friend with them. But I'm not going to lie. I hope people love what I have to say. That they feel a connection to it and that I can make them think. I check my stats repeatedly and hope more people would comment. Sooo...I'm a bit narcissistic. I want more blog friends. I want to go to Blogger events and have people feel about me the way I feel about Eleni Zoe or Peter DeWolf. BUT they are crazy good writers and I am a girl from Fresno just vomiting thoughts on a screen in the 2 hours she has at work to do so once a week.

So yeah. That's why I blog.

I think I'm going to start an Intention journal. Write down why I say & do things that cause me confusion/upset. And not just the reasons I would tell the public, but the truth. And, perhaps, this will allow me to know myself that much better and, fingers crossed, one day my journal and what I put out in the world will align.


(My intention was to let you know I struggle internally with my intentions. My fear right now is that you think I'm a big fat Fakey. I'm not. At All. Just working to be the most genuine version of myself.)

Things I haven't said to you.

*I wish you'd talk/write to me

*You really were an asshole and I'm no one's "for now"

*I'm sorry I never answer your calls. Busy is no excuse and I'm afraid one day you'll stop calling

*You are so gorgeous but I think your body image has you feeling insecure. It shouldn't but I will help in ANY WAY I can. I need help there too.

*Thank you for helping me get over my ex. We were less than nothing but knowing a real man helped me realize I deserved more.

*Our past makes me think we could have a future. But That's just sillyness.

*I don't hate you. I actually think you have helped me grow.

*You aren't really all that nice

*You are quite literally one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Words can't even express my love for you. which is why I fail to try.

*Im sorry I judged you at such a young age. I wish I could take it back.

*I kind of have a girl-crush on you.

*My life was better because you weren't in it. Thanks for leaving

*You are worth so much more than you keep letting yourself go for.

*You are not my enemy. You did nothing wrong.

*You were not blameless

*I miss you

*You helped me realize a love for music/musicianship was SUCH A TURN ON

*I try to pretend I'm not like the masses, but really I was just as excited when you broke up with your girlfriend.

*You talk about yourself too much.



Someone Special to Me: My Baby D

It's been awhile since I shared someone whom I love with the world. And seeing as this person is one of the most important people in my life AND it's almost her 21st birthday I figured she would be a good candidate.

This, my friends, is my Baby D!

She is my Baby Sister. Almost 10 years younger than I but my absolute best friend! She is the one person in this whole world who knows my heart better than I do. She is always, ALWAYS there for me and I couldn't be more grateful for the gift she is to me.

Deanna Denise Austin is one of the most charismatic and magnetic humans on this earth. People are drawn to her charm and infectious smile. She radiates confidence and I honestly think she could start a cult in the morning and have 100 followers by lunch. She has a passion for life that cannot be squelched and her heart is so big.

My baby sister has had to deal with a lot of adversity in this crazy life. She has fought with demons and overcome hate. She has struggled and courageously become the amazing woman she is today and she is still triumphing to become the woman she will be. With all of this her love for others has remained pure and intact. She, like me, doesn't know how to quit on those she loves. She is so beautiful.

Baby D is so brave! She moved half way across the country at 19 years old and made a life of her own. Something I have never done at age 30. She knows what she wants and she does it. Sometimes (to be honest) it is a little bit on the inconsiderate side, however, she is young and this life is all she has. I am proud of her for living it to the fullest. For hopping trains and befriending strangers ;)

Deanna Denise, Baby D, Baby Sister, You are my ultimate best friend. You and I have a bond unlike anything I have ever experienced. I Love You beyond words. So this post is doing a great disservice, but I'll try anyway. I love how you know how I'm feeling before I can even say it. I love that you know my heart and have to tell me what is good for me when I don't know. I love that I can call you and say random things like "waiting for an absolution that will never come....what is that from" and you will say "Titanic". You are such a deep thinker and I love that we can spend hours talking about any topic. I couldnt' have made it through this life or in this family without you as my side-kick, my confidant and my partner. I often feel that I owe you so much. That your intuition into my being and willingness to be there for me at any turn are sorely unmatched. I only hope I can be the big sister you deserve and that I have taught you at least something worthy. You really do own my heart baby sister. I didn't know 21 years ago when you were born a month too early and vastly under weight that you would be the one person in this life that meant I had something worth living for. I have someone who cares for me and loves me. I have someone whom I love more and more with each year we share together. In this life you always hope you can find someone who gets it. Who knows what you find funny and who understands WHY you think it's funny. Who understand why that makes you cry, or how to make you feel better.

I'll never forget a time when I wanted to run though the sprinklers at our Alma Mater and my then boyfriend wouldn't do it with me. I looked at you and said "Do you want to run through the sprinklers?" to which you replied, "Not really. But I will do it with you." I knew then that I would always have someone to go on adventures with because I had you. And that I had someone who would do something they didnt' want to do, just because it would make me happy. And that is the most priceless gift anyone can have.

Thank You SO MUCH My Beautiful Baby Sister! Lets go do something you want to do , just because I love your smile SO MUCH and want to do ANYTHING to make you happy.

Love Always,

Your Big Sister

Gilmore Girls taught me Ennui

Sometimes....

And by "Sometimes" I mean all the times...

I just don't do what is good for me.


I mean, I don't even do what I KNOW will make me happy. It's like as soon as it's expected from me, even if it's by myself, I shut down and rebel. "Don't tell me what to do," I say internally and then I pop on some Gilmore Girls and eat some pizza and drink some wine and do nothing productive or fulfilling with my day.

I'm just not sure why. And it BUGS me so. Why do I do this? I have the tools for happiness. I am in the beginning stages of implementing them, but old habits die hard. And those habits are like all the villians of all the lands got together and formed this super beast where only sunlight, silver bullets, garlic, chopping of their head etc. combined will kill them. And most days I'd just rather give in and let them take over.

I wonder if it's lazniess. I think maybe it is. That sucks.

I have said that my new definition of success is living exactly where I am and being happy with the life I have and have created. And as much as I believe this is imperative to finding joy in the now, I crave more. I want to do what I absolutely love. I want to travel the world. I want to meet new people and absorb their intellect and culture and sparkle. But that will never happen if I keep falling prey to my lack of focus and rebellious nature.

I'm not a list maker. I'm not organized. I don't enjoy getting up early. I have commitment issues. Something that seems absolutely amazing will lose it's appeal as soon as I realize it will take up my free time or that I'll have to dedicate years to it. This from a girl who has been desperate for a fairytale romance since age 4. But even that, marriage, kids, career...it's so...permanent! I can't fly off on a whim if I'm tied down! BUT I don't do that now so whats the big deal? Maybe it's because I have never done it therefore I feel unfulfilled, who knows. I'm rambling. And you're still reading...so I'll continue on.

My point is simply that I am single. I have no ties. I can fly off on a whim. I can go out every night and learn whatever I want. I can finish my Happiness Book and Joy Equation prompts. I can master my guitar and exercise. I can move into my car and save money for a year and hit the road on the most badass world tour ever! But...I'm not. And I need to figure out why and fix it.

Perhaps I need to rid myself of distraction. No Gilmore Girls/Dexter until I've done something fulfilling. No chocolate until I exercise. No thinking about a boy (Going on his FB, Reading old converstions, making something out of nothing) until he actually deigns to talk to me. (That's a tough one) And No sitting until something has been cleaned or washed or made or cooked. I really need a checks and balances system in place. But I will rebel so hard. Buh.

Any tips on overcoming this? Feel free to share. :)