Gilmore Girls taught me Ennui

Sometimes....

And by "Sometimes" I mean all the times...

I just don't do what is good for me.


I mean, I don't even do what I KNOW will make me happy. It's like as soon as it's expected from me, even if it's by myself, I shut down and rebel. "Don't tell me what to do," I say internally and then I pop on some Gilmore Girls and eat some pizza and drink some wine and do nothing productive or fulfilling with my day.

I'm just not sure why. And it BUGS me so. Why do I do this? I have the tools for happiness. I am in the beginning stages of implementing them, but old habits die hard. And those habits are like all the villians of all the lands got together and formed this super beast where only sunlight, silver bullets, garlic, chopping of their head etc. combined will kill them. And most days I'd just rather give in and let them take over.

I wonder if it's lazniess. I think maybe it is. That sucks.

I have said that my new definition of success is living exactly where I am and being happy with the life I have and have created. And as much as I believe this is imperative to finding joy in the now, I crave more. I want to do what I absolutely love. I want to travel the world. I want to meet new people and absorb their intellect and culture and sparkle. But that will never happen if I keep falling prey to my lack of focus and rebellious nature.

I'm not a list maker. I'm not organized. I don't enjoy getting up early. I have commitment issues. Something that seems absolutely amazing will lose it's appeal as soon as I realize it will take up my free time or that I'll have to dedicate years to it. This from a girl who has been desperate for a fairytale romance since age 4. But even that, marriage, kids, career...it's so...permanent! I can't fly off on a whim if I'm tied down! BUT I don't do that now so whats the big deal? Maybe it's because I have never done it therefore I feel unfulfilled, who knows. I'm rambling. And you're still reading...so I'll continue on.

My point is simply that I am single. I have no ties. I can fly off on a whim. I can go out every night and learn whatever I want. I can finish my Happiness Book and Joy Equation prompts. I can master my guitar and exercise. I can move into my car and save money for a year and hit the road on the most badass world tour ever! But...I'm not. And I need to figure out why and fix it.

Perhaps I need to rid myself of distraction. No Gilmore Girls/Dexter until I've done something fulfilling. No chocolate until I exercise. No thinking about a boy (Going on his FB, Reading old converstions, making something out of nothing) until he actually deigns to talk to me. (That's a tough one) And No sitting until something has been cleaned or washed or made or cooked. I really need a checks and balances system in place. But I will rebel so hard. Buh.

Any tips on overcoming this? Feel free to share. :)