She stood there, hands gripped together and her mouth suddenly very dry. She listened to one of her favorite melodies accompanied by a sporadic beat. As she closed her eyes she transcended the room and the drumming seemed to dissipate. Then the music stopped and the thumping returned.

She took her mark, got her starting note, and tried to sustain the breath she knew she'd need.

And for once she did something with confidence and didn't let fear win.


I sing. And I'm not going to play the gracious humble girl right now...I'm pretty damn good at it. But, for some reason, I have not done much with the gift I was given. Though it has been a dream of mine to be on stage since I was as little as I can remember, there was always a fear, an excuse, as to why I wasn't good enough.

My teeth are crooked, I'm too fat, I can't dance, I can't do runs like Mariah Carey, I don't have enough training, They only cast people they know (which isn't entirely untrue) and the list could go on for quite some time. I have 31 years of excuses.

In fact, 2 1/2 weeks ago I had told my friend, "Oh, I'm not sure I can get the time off. I don't think I'll go to the audition" I realized I'd kick myself if I didn't at least try so I went to my boss and said, "SO there's this audition, but it's during my shift and it's TOTALLY FINE if I can't get a few hours off to go. I would TOTALLY understand." To which he said, "I'm sure we can work it out"

"Damn!" Now I HAD to go. And for reasons still unknown to this "If you Don't Try you can't really Fail" kind of girl I decided I was going to actually put an effort in. I was going to see a vocal coach and practice as much as possible. That combined with a slew of amazing encouragement from friends and family my faith in myself grew. I went in there and was called back for one of the most iconic roles ever and a role I had marked on my bucket list!

I don't know why I have always considered myself not quite good enough. No matter how many people told me I had a talent, I rebuttled in my own mind that there is always someone better. And during these last 2 weeks I have come to realize that if someone is better it is only because they have worked harder. I have internalized that I am just as talented as those I admire and the only thing holding me back is me. (Could that sound more cheesy?) Cheese or not, it's beyond truth.

So last night, I entered a building with one of my best friends and a new confidence in my abilities. When they called my name I stood there and gave one of the best performances of my life. I walked away knowing I couldn't have done anything better and to me that is a win!

Confidence is an amaing asset in this life. Belief in oneself means not worrying what other people think. I can truly say, whether I get the part or not, I KNOW I was one of the best people in that room, and it says NOTHING of my talent if they don't choose me.

Thank you to EVERYONE who helped me get to this point. And a special Thank You to Ms. Sharon Burley for bringing out of me what I knew I had in there somewhere. You are a GEM, Lovely Lady!

Eventually I will start in on the confidence I need in the rest of my life, but for now I will revel in this perfect moment.

"So baby take an axe to your make-up kit" -Rx Bandits

So there was this time. When I was young(er) and invincible where my life was so full of adventure and I only lived by whim. Life was too short for responsibility and this band was the soundtrack to my life. I spent so many years crippled by insecurity and a horrible self image and here they were telling me I was BEAUTIFUL just how I was. Encouraging me to rid myself of all my beauty products and be confident without them. I actually spent about 6 months with no makeup. I swore it off completely. However, coupled with this burst of assurance was also a 50+ lb weight loss. I had gotten sick and food was my enemy. I lost weight without trying and was the thinest I had ever been...well...since grade school.

I looked a little like this...but then I started gaining it back

And kept gaining

Yes, I met the Jonas Brothers, don't be jealous.

And after a ruined friendship, A scare that I was going to lose my mom, and an unhappy relationship I tipped the scales at almost 250.



And along with my thin frame my self confidence was lost.

I was letting the Bandits down. I was letting myself down. I thought I had really grasped that whole self-confidence thing. I thought I had severed that tie that linked it to my weight. But in retrospect, it was anchored in my dress size. When I was thin, I quite literally had guys who had gone out of their way to be the assiest of Jack Asses to me, spitting lines of adoration. I scoffed at their advances with friends but loved that I finally had the upper hand. And you know what? It was because of the lowered number on my scale. And you know what else? It felt REALLY good.

I am now in this place of confusion. Trying so hard to be happy just exactly where I am. I am a gorgeous, loving, sassy, un-filtered gal with awesome boobs and a great ass. But I also have experience to tell me valuptuous Krystle isn't a widely desired version as compared to thin me. I can tell myself this every morning and it won't stop me from feeling a little less than when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. If it were just a life lived alone, with wonderful friends and nieces and nephews that love me I think I could be ok. And I am working incredibly hard to be totally and completely fine with that. However, I really do want someone to love someday. Someone to love me in return for all that I am.  And that is someone who is NEVER EVER EVER (Cue Taylor Swift) going to be a size 5. A woman who will most likely gain weight when I have kids and pain myself with MONTHS of dieting and exercise to get back to thin-town. A bird who is 5'9 and has to have bones showing in order to resemble thin because I am just not built to be tiny. And yet, I'm still not ok with this.

I'm struggling here guys. I am confident in most places. I love WHO I am. I am proud of WHAT I've achieved, I'm GRATEFUL for the people in this amazing life, and in truth this mug of mine is STUNNING. I have gorgeous blue eyes, eyelashes that touch the sky, porcelain smooth skin, perfect lips and my hair is enviable. It's just the stuff below, the middle ground and the appendages that I look at and feel a little bit of woe in my heart.

I thought it was time I shared a post that didn't have an answer. One that I am still struggling with and to ask for some encouragement. I am definitely on my way to losing the weight, but I so desperately want to be ok before that.

Look at this girl! She just climbed a water fall and her smile is radiant! She should most definitely see herself as GORGEOUS; body and all! Help her out with that, would you?



IN THE MEANTIME THE BANDITS WILL ENCOURAGE ME WITH THESE GORGEOUS LYRICS!

TO OUR UNBORN DAUGHTERS

Written for you these words, the love of my life

the world is yours to discover

with brand new eyes

you're no player in a game of roles assigned

what you possess has no barter, no structure,

no insurmountable walls,

only barriers of perception

Don't you ever be afraid of all of your beauty

you can move without his words

or a grant of submission

Oh they try to smother

you're righteous ambition

and stifle your loving grace

they tell you its a little girl's place

to alter your convictions

no don't you wait...

Put it down, rhetoric

Shake it out now baby

They said you want it

they said you need it

but you don't need it anymore

(and you never did)

They thrust you their products

by making you feel insecure

the matriarch was murdered

and now woman is a four letter word
Put a price on your body

to convince you that it's all you're worth

they are afraid of the power they lose

and the gift of creation

so don't you ever listen!