Grateful for my Loving Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence.

I am currently reading (And have been for months now) Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman. It is the follow up to Learned Optimism, which I had read last year.

Among the millions of life pushing, Encouraging inspiration it offers is the Character Strength test. This test asks you a myriad of questions about your preferences in life and then ranks your character strengths in ascending order.

I enjoy learning more about myself. It's fun. I'm confusing, yo, and any help I can get to decode is a welcomed experience. So I eagerly filled out the questionnaire and hit finish. What came next was not necessarily a revelation or something new.

My top Strength is The Capacity to Love and Be Loved, Followed closely by Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence and Gratitude.

I had high hopes for this intel. "Finally!" I thought, "I'll be able to find a fulfilling career path and dwell in contentment because I will live in alignment with my core values/strengths"

But WHAT ON EARTH does one do with those strengths?

I am too abstract even for my own liking.

I have sat back thinking and dwelling on this for a while now. And still have come up with very little in the way of marrying these strengths and weaving them into a substantial calling in life.

But what I do know for sure is that I need to practice them more often.

Contentment comes when I bite my tongue and choose loving words instead, when I hit the road and revel in the beauty of nature, when I attend a ballet and tear up at the talent the dancers posses, and when I sit down and dwell on what makes me grateful about this life.

None of these things will produce any kind of income. I hope to find a way to live out a calling that encompasses them all at some point.(if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them) But I will just start doing them all and maybe one day the stars will align, I will notice I am doing them all at once and therein will lie my passion work.

What are your core strengths? How do you live them out?

I Need To Come Alive

Two Days ago I felt a bit infinite. I had this crazy idea on how to save money to travel and tackle my dreams. I was weary to share it because it seemed so insane. I then saw two life-affirming "go for that hard, crazy, impossible, fall-on-your face thing" posts on the Facebook and I thought it was a sign that I was onto something.

Then I shared it. I was told it was too silly and I'd hate it and I needed to find another way. Now, don't go bashing the person who said this. She just cares about me. But I'm not gonna lie. It knocked me down a bit.

Then my car died.

Then it started again.

Then I found out that I'm broke. (This with a bridal shower I'M supposed to be throwing for my best friend approaching)

Then my best friend told me she is going to start dating the most popular guy from our senior class whom I had a celebrity-esque crush on. (which shouldn't bother me, it just makes me feel worse for some reason. Not because I want the guy. AT ALL. But because it just reminds me how much I want to get out of here.)
Then my car died again.

And I felt stuck. Haulted. Unable to tackle my dreams. I don't know how to plan. I'm a talented person. I sing, I act, I write, I stalk. I am relatively ok at making people feel apprecaiated. But I can't get my dreams off the ground. I have a vision and 2 days ago I felt free and amazing for taking mental steps to see them through.

Today I realized I have never adopted structure of any kind in my life. Seriously. Every single day is different. Maybe today I'll do the dishes. Maybe today I'll hang out with my friends. Maybe today I'll make my bed. MAYBE today I'll practice my guitar. Probably today, because I have no concrete plans, I will watch How I Met Your Mother and Norman Reedus videos all day and lay in bed. (Actually today I am going to watch Singing In The Rain with one of my dearest friends, so that might be tomorrow)

Do I enjoy this? In the moment, sure. NPH is hilarious and Norman is dreamy. But like I read in Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman,

"What would happen if my entire life were made up of such easy pleasures, never calling on my strengths, never presenting challenges? Such a life sets one up for depression. The strengths and virtures may wither during a life of taking shortcuts rather than choosing a life made full through the pursuit of gratifications." 

And I'm finally ready to work hard. Take a leap and fall. But without a road map, I'm disgustingly scared. What if I wind up homeless. What if I get stranded in a foreign country. I have a hard time networking and asking for help. So what if I'm in Bangledesh without a penny to my name because I lost my backpack and no way to contact anyone? My brain stops me in my tracks. "You can't do this." is always on repeat in the background. I try to ignore it. But hearing it from anyone else turns it up to blaring and I concede that it must be true.

I WANT NEED TO TRAVEL

I WANT NEED TO WORK ON A FARM

I WANT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

I WANT NEED TO ACT

I WANT NEED TO SING IN A BAND

I WANT NEED TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER

I need these things because they will fulfill my soul. And a fulfilled soul is a productive member of society. As Howard Thurman says: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Im ready to come alive and be impressed with myself.

My roommate has suggested I cut all ties. If I want to be a feral human, roots need to be upped. But the idea of ridding myself of all my possesions and leaving my pup seems near impossible.

And this is why I'm stuck. I'm in between craving the life of a nomad and enjoying the life I have built and the people in it.

My head is spinning.

Any suggestions on how to quench wanderlust and tackle dreams. I'm all ears.