Grateful for my Loving Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence.

I am currently reading (And have been for months now) Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman. It is the follow up to Learned Optimism, which I had read last year.

Among the millions of life pushing, Encouraging inspiration it offers is the Character Strength test. This test asks you a myriad of questions about your preferences in life and then ranks your character strengths in ascending order.

I enjoy learning more about myself. It's fun. I'm confusing, yo, and any help I can get to decode is a welcomed experience. So I eagerly filled out the questionnaire and hit finish. What came next was not necessarily a revelation or something new.

My top Strength is The Capacity to Love and Be Loved, Followed closely by Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence and Gratitude.

I had high hopes for this intel. "Finally!" I thought, "I'll be able to find a fulfilling career path and dwell in contentment because I will live in alignment with my core values/strengths"

But WHAT ON EARTH does one do with those strengths?

I am too abstract even for my own liking.

I have sat back thinking and dwelling on this for a while now. And still have come up with very little in the way of marrying these strengths and weaving them into a substantial calling in life.

But what I do know for sure is that I need to practice them more often.

Contentment comes when I bite my tongue and choose loving words instead, when I hit the road and revel in the beauty of nature, when I attend a ballet and tear up at the talent the dancers posses, and when I sit down and dwell on what makes me grateful about this life.

None of these things will produce any kind of income. I hope to find a way to live out a calling that encompasses them all at some point.(if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them) But I will just start doing them all and maybe one day the stars will align, I will notice I am doing them all at once and therein will lie my passion work.

What are your core strengths? How do you live them out?

Stripping Down

There's this thing I struggle with. It's one of those last hurdles to pure contentment I face. Molly over at stratejoy posed this question the other day:

"Hey loves- question for YOU! What do you think it means to be brave in your own life?"

To which I replied:

"Being fully aware of my authentic self/worth and thus not being so quick to react to others with insecurity."

 

By this scale/definition. I have a long ways to go to  Brave Town. I am, however, bravely attacking those not so nice thoughts that would lead me to believe I am less than. I am quick to apologize when I react with defensiveness and anger. But being fully confident in who I am and not being outlandishly combative when my insides start to shake and I believe my character, opinions, personality etc. are in question has not been obtained as of yet.

 

A couple of years, most of you know. I doubted my faith. I became ill at my own automatic, stale terms of the relgion that I spewed on cue to anyone who dared question me. I was robotic in every Christian motion. It was like inside Krystle was calling my bluff, "Do you even really believe this stuff? I mean you don't even read your bible and you definitely don't feel anything when you regurgitate these words." After a summer spent with the most intellectual, God searching Christians I had met I headed down a road less traveled (by me). One where I didn't have to put on my "Armor" and Battle it out with anyone who believed differently than me. I found radiant release being able to talk to an Athiest about why they didn't believe and not feeling the need to Change their view or, even better, not being threatened by them. I shed it all. I became bare and, in that, I was no longer on the defense.

I worried, during this time, that it made me swayable. That I had lost that thing that defined me. What was I standing for anymore? But, after time, I realized I was putting my faith in the search. That being a seeker is what defines me. And that I stand for growth.

I really wish I could describe the inner bliss that came from shedding all those walls. It felt like flying. I am an intellectual creature. I don't adopt any point of view or belief instantly. I dwell and ponder. So to hear varying opinions on the subject of Faith did not in any way "brainwash" me, but rather, opened me up to a God that was even greater and more Loving than I had been open enough to realize before.

Now believe it or not, this post is not about Faith or Religion. It was just a needed backstory for my current musings.

And here they are...

I want that feeling forever. I want that feeling in my life daily. I want that confidence when talking about ALL THINGS.

As I wrote about .a couple weeks ago I have a hard time with my "but" and not interjecting my "feelings" and how I think you've wronged me instead of letting it go. Recently when someone said something to me, I felt the inner shakeys and the defensiveness rising and I thought "why do I do this." And I came to a conclusion.

Want to hear it?


I would hope so...you've already read this much.

I have concluded that I have infused armor on, always ready for battle. Just like I had been when I was Cookie-Cutter Krystle Christian. But I am not going to bat about faith anymore I am confident and unswayed in that aspect of my life. But instead, I "put em up" about EVERYTHING else. At least, every little thing that I percieve as a dig at my character, a disagreement to my choices, or a judgment against me. It does not always manifest outwardly. Sometimes its just this heart racing negative scenario I create in my mind. But sometimes (And by sometimes I mean most of the time) it comes out in a slightly raised voice and a re-itteration and clarification to the assumed judgement you are making.

Twice recently I have heard, "You interrupt me before I can even finish." Lift dagger, plunge in heart. This is not the woman I want to be. I'm supposed to be open-minded and understanding. Not closed off and judgemental. And yet, in certain situations, I am exactly those things. HURUMPH!

I have already come to terms with the fact that my mind is not to be trusted. That it's instinctive assumptions and negativity are not the final word in this life.

So it's time to strip down bare again. Time to stop holding onto all of my inner defenses about myself. I need to obtain that gorgeous freedom again and this time break down the wall of lies that say,  "just on the other side is an army waiting to attack." I already know it works. Confidence comes when you are able to open up to opinions and views about a subject you've always felt the need to protect. Take it in, experience it through their eyes, and only adopt what is truth.

Today I relinquish the reins. I put my confidence and faith in the search and know that growth is a definitive part of my character. I am not free of negative personality traits. I am not naive to think I will never yell and get defensive. Those things are normal. All people should stand up for what they believe. But you'll never know, truly, who you are until you take time to figure that out. And that's what I intend to do.

And to End this I would like to quote Miss Molly and Ask:

What do you think it means to be brave in YOUR life?!