Falling with Precision

I have always thought of falling in love as this out-of-control descent. One where you lose all sensibility and to quote Lorelai Gilmore, "It all comes out in stupid."

I thought I was in-love before. And I did exhibit these traits. I lost my sense of self in the process. EVERY TIME. My sole happiness was in this person. I would imagine the fictional life we would create together, which was never based in reality. i.e.

"We are going to have a bunch of kids and be like the Von Trapp family. Music will fill our home."

I told myself this about my best friend...Who is a GAY.

 OR

"We are going to have a white picket fence and get married and have a life of adventure."

That lie was about my much younger boyfriend who cringed at the thought of marriage and spontaneity stressed him out.

AND

"I should start looking for jobs in the bay area to be near him"

My highschool boyfriend who made it very clear that this reunion we were involved in was casual and did not constitute a relationship.

I was in such desperate need for joy and an escape from my humdrum life that I imagined these scenarios in hopes that I would be whisked away to a life unlike mine. Filled with contentment and everything my heart desired.

Then one day, about a year ago, I realized I needed to make my life exactly what I wanted. I needed to wake up each morning happy with the life I was creating. One where I wouldn't need an escape anymore, but rather, a man who simply added to the already happy life I was living.

And that was approximately the time this blog started. It was the start of a life changing, Happiness capturing, Joy permeating journey. I started learning how wonderful this life is. How amazing I really have it. What a gift it is to be loved so much and to be able to share my love in return. I found, and am finding, what my strengths are and feeling all kinds of fulfilled when I am actively using them. I AM WHOLE!

I don't need a "better" half. Or someone to complete me.

So as I sit here...falling. I liken it more to a bungee jumper, or a hang glider. There is the danger of getting hurt. And this is the biggest thrill I have ever experienced. I'm not asking the million questions I usually do and I'm not being hyper-analytic. So I'm losing my sensibilities in that way, but my life is beautiful and I am tethered to it. My identity is not found in another but in the world I have built up around me. I'd like for him to be a part of that. A BIG part of that. I'd like for him to take the pen and write some of it too.

But that's getting ahead of myself. And I am, for once, perfectly content in the now. Knowing that falling will not cause me to fall apart if this ends in a broken landing.

What is Unconditional Love?

First off, it's what I strive for. Learning to Love purely and wholly. I have this friend, He was inspiration for some profound writings in his day, and I want to Love like Him. He was incredibly confident and amazing. He never let negativity get to Him. There were times where no one would have faulted Him if He slugged a guy or two for the awful things they put Him through, but He never faultered.

Other people in this world were like Him. Ghandi chose Love and refused Violence. Mother Theresa gave up everything to live a life of service never faining in her devoted cause.

These people inspired me. Do inspire me. Along with many others and more whom I have yet to be completely familiar with.

About 3 years ago I decided I wanted to learn to Love like that. Be bold and brash with Love. To seek nothing in return. To Love UNCONDITIONALLY.

I talked about it a lot. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what it meant. But it's all theory til it's put to good use.

I fell in love and thought, "this is it." But you know. It wasn't. And that's ok. But what I learned most was that, I EXPECT A LOT in Love. And because of those expecations my heart was always hurting and I never felt fulfilled.

In this time I started reading a book called "Real Love" by Greg Baer given to me by one of my best gab session friends My Aunt Sheila. I started reading with Wild abandon trying to find a way to salvage a broken relationship. And it started with a bang

"Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without
any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give
Real Love, we’re not disappointed, hurt, or angry, even when
people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return
– including gratitude – because our concern is for their happiness,
not our own. Real Love is unconditional."

I know. I know. You think. "This is not Healthy", "You can be used and abused this way." But it goes on.

"It’s Real Love when other people care about OUR happiness
without any concern for themselves. They’re not disappointed or
angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what
they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally."

You see you don't have to expect it. You can just be on the lookout for it. We are human and this kind of love is NOT EASY. In fact we may fail 9 times out of 10 to Love this way. But I truly believe it is this form of Love that makes the heart happy and fulfilled.

*Segue*

I battle with negative ruminations. My mind is quite mean sometimes. Says really awful things. And for a long time I believed them. Any emotion tied to a slanderous thought was biblical and to be listened to and obeyed. One of these things I told myself was that I was unlovable. That my boyfriend didn't love me and I had to constantly question this fact.

"He never calls me and says goodmorning, he must not love me."
"He never seems overly excited to see me, he must not know he doesn't love me"
"He never talks about marriage or wanting me to be with him forever,
HE REALLY DOESN'T LOVE ME."
Etc...Etc...Etc...

So here I am 3 years since that first venture into loving better, and 6 months after a failed relationship. What have I learned about unconditional Love?...

That it's the only choice I have.

This big heart of mine holds so much. It hurts easy and LOVES ALOT. BUT it doesn't know how to stop loving once it's started. It doesn't know how to let go. However, when loving someone despite what they have done to you it hurts even more when you expect for them to say sorry. Or for them to come crawling back saying,

"You were right. I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't been in my life. I am the man I am because of you. Choosing some girl over your friendship was stupid and I want nothing more than for you to be in my life again."

Because...it's not going to happen. And wanting for it only belittles your Love, Makes you hurt and causes you to cry all morning while your roommate listens to you blubber on and on in circles about your recent texting venture.

So here is where this lands. Are you ready?

A heart that Loves someone despite being wounded is stronger than one that lashes out. A heart that can say

"I know you hurt me and I know that you don't necessarily love me anymore but I will care for you anyway and hold you here because I have so much room and I already built you a place of your own,"

is on it's way to the Love My Friend and Ghandi and the Great Mother Theresa lived.

I am learning how to not expect from others. To Love without precepts. To NOT think the worst and to ACCEPT ALL THAT I AM.

Accepting who I am means not trying to cut ties when I know my forgiving heart will think fondly of them again tomorrow. But being strong enough to allow time for healing.

This journey is still unfolding but I wanted to put it out there write it down as a reminder of who I am and who I strive to be.