Getting rid of my "But"

I try really really hard to be a good person. I try to be loving and kind and giving and as patient as possible. And to constantly grow and learn to improve these skill sets. Because, in my opinion, they are skill sets. We are not born these ways. It takes rearing and learnin' to achieve them.

And every once in a while I realize, "Krystle, Here's a place that can use some improving."

I realized a while ago I have a problem with, "but". I'm sorry...But. I understand...But. I Love you...But. Etc....But.

A couple years ago I felt I had conquered the Apology "But". However, <-- see what I did there? ;) It was just the beginning of this war between Me (selfishness) and Unconditional giving. You see there is this crazy need to make my point known. It starts in my gut and heightens in intensity when it gets to my heart. My mind then tells my frantic heart that it better say something, because it doesn't want to get all trampled on and used. "If you don't say how you FEEL about this, they are just going to walk all over you in the future. You better make it known that they need to understand you and where you are coming from. You can say you get their point of view..." *verbal blurt* BUT...!

It's like I'm doing myself some disservice if I don't attach the "But" in there. I am fully aware that this is a selfish way of thinking/acting. It doesn't feel this way in the moment, though. It feels more like self preservation. When it's all said and done and I go back and re-think it all (because I'm a woman and that's what I do) I am never happier because I threw my opposing and negating point in there.

That last sentence really sums it up. It is not a genuine apology if you must throw what they did at them. It negates your understanding if you then say you see it differently. And it belittles the Love you are trying to show if you make someone feel that they need to do something better to earn it.

So, I have learned today that I need to get rid of my "but". This feeling is a hard one to ignore in the moment, BUT it needs to be. I'm not saying I'm not going to give my opinions and be who I am. It's just in certain instances You learn that everyone is different. It doesn't matter whether you feel/think/act differently than them. They exist to do what they feel/think/act and no amount of "But-ing" is going to change that. You just have to go about existing the way you do and strive for harmony and Love regardless.

Choking down that tear enducing Feeling of injustice to myself is going to be VERY VERY HARD. It needs to be done though. Because I want the people in my life to be free of guilt and shame and know fully that I love them.

What is Unconditional Love?

First off, it's what I strive for. Learning to Love purely and wholly. I have this friend, He was inspiration for some profound writings in his day, and I want to Love like Him. He was incredibly confident and amazing. He never let negativity get to Him. There were times where no one would have faulted Him if He slugged a guy or two for the awful things they put Him through, but He never faultered.

Other people in this world were like Him. Ghandi chose Love and refused Violence. Mother Theresa gave up everything to live a life of service never faining in her devoted cause.

These people inspired me. Do inspire me. Along with many others and more whom I have yet to be completely familiar with.

About 3 years ago I decided I wanted to learn to Love like that. Be bold and brash with Love. To seek nothing in return. To Love UNCONDITIONALLY.

I talked about it a lot. I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what it meant. But it's all theory til it's put to good use.

I fell in love and thought, "this is it." But you know. It wasn't. And that's ok. But what I learned most was that, I EXPECT A LOT in Love. And because of those expecations my heart was always hurting and I never felt fulfilled.

In this time I started reading a book called "Real Love" by Greg Baer given to me by one of my best gab session friends My Aunt Sheila. I started reading with Wild abandon trying to find a way to salvage a broken relationship. And it started with a bang

"Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person without
any thought for what we might get for ourselves. When we give
Real Love, we’re not disappointed, hurt, or angry, even when
people are thoughtless or inconsiderate or give us nothing in return
– including gratitude – because our concern is for their happiness,
not our own. Real Love is unconditional."

I know. I know. You think. "This is not Healthy", "You can be used and abused this way." But it goes on.

"It’s Real Love when other people care about OUR happiness
without any concern for themselves. They’re not disappointed or
angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don’t do what
they want, or even when we inconvenience them personally."

You see you don't have to expect it. You can just be on the lookout for it. We are human and this kind of love is NOT EASY. In fact we may fail 9 times out of 10 to Love this way. But I truly believe it is this form of Love that makes the heart happy and fulfilled.

*Segue*

I battle with negative ruminations. My mind is quite mean sometimes. Says really awful things. And for a long time I believed them. Any emotion tied to a slanderous thought was biblical and to be listened to and obeyed. One of these things I told myself was that I was unlovable. That my boyfriend didn't love me and I had to constantly question this fact.

"He never calls me and says goodmorning, he must not love me."
"He never seems overly excited to see me, he must not know he doesn't love me"
"He never talks about marriage or wanting me to be with him forever,
HE REALLY DOESN'T LOVE ME."
Etc...Etc...Etc...

So here I am 3 years since that first venture into loving better, and 6 months after a failed relationship. What have I learned about unconditional Love?...

That it's the only choice I have.

This big heart of mine holds so much. It hurts easy and LOVES ALOT. BUT it doesn't know how to stop loving once it's started. It doesn't know how to let go. However, when loving someone despite what they have done to you it hurts even more when you expect for them to say sorry. Or for them to come crawling back saying,

"You were right. I wouldn't be who I am today if you hadn't been in my life. I am the man I am because of you. Choosing some girl over your friendship was stupid and I want nothing more than for you to be in my life again."

Because...it's not going to happen. And wanting for it only belittles your Love, Makes you hurt and causes you to cry all morning while your roommate listens to you blubber on and on in circles about your recent texting venture.

So here is where this lands. Are you ready?

A heart that Loves someone despite being wounded is stronger than one that lashes out. A heart that can say

"I know you hurt me and I know that you don't necessarily love me anymore but I will care for you anyway and hold you here because I have so much room and I already built you a place of your own,"

is on it's way to the Love My Friend and Ghandi and the Great Mother Theresa lived.

I am learning how to not expect from others. To Love without precepts. To NOT think the worst and to ACCEPT ALL THAT I AM.

Accepting who I am means not trying to cut ties when I know my forgiving heart will think fondly of them again tomorrow. But being strong enough to allow time for healing.

This journey is still unfolding but I wanted to put it out there write it down as a reminder of who I am and who I strive to be.