Stripping Down

There's this thing I struggle with. It's one of those last hurdles to pure contentment I face. Molly over at stratejoy posed this question the other day:

"Hey loves- question for YOU! What do you think it means to be brave in your own life?"

To which I replied:

"Being fully aware of my authentic self/worth and thus not being so quick to react to others with insecurity."

 

By this scale/definition. I have a long ways to go to  Brave Town. I am, however, bravely attacking those not so nice thoughts that would lead me to believe I am less than. I am quick to apologize when I react with defensiveness and anger. But being fully confident in who I am and not being outlandishly combative when my insides start to shake and I believe my character, opinions, personality etc. are in question has not been obtained as of yet.

 

A couple of years, most of you know. I doubted my faith. I became ill at my own automatic, stale terms of the relgion that I spewed on cue to anyone who dared question me. I was robotic in every Christian motion. It was like inside Krystle was calling my bluff, "Do you even really believe this stuff? I mean you don't even read your bible and you definitely don't feel anything when you regurgitate these words." After a summer spent with the most intellectual, God searching Christians I had met I headed down a road less traveled (by me). One where I didn't have to put on my "Armor" and Battle it out with anyone who believed differently than me. I found radiant release being able to talk to an Athiest about why they didn't believe and not feeling the need to Change their view or, even better, not being threatened by them. I shed it all. I became bare and, in that, I was no longer on the defense.

I worried, during this time, that it made me swayable. That I had lost that thing that defined me. What was I standing for anymore? But, after time, I realized I was putting my faith in the search. That being a seeker is what defines me. And that I stand for growth.

I really wish I could describe the inner bliss that came from shedding all those walls. It felt like flying. I am an intellectual creature. I don't adopt any point of view or belief instantly. I dwell and ponder. So to hear varying opinions on the subject of Faith did not in any way "brainwash" me, but rather, opened me up to a God that was even greater and more Loving than I had been open enough to realize before.

Now believe it or not, this post is not about Faith or Religion. It was just a needed backstory for my current musings.

And here they are...

I want that feeling forever. I want that feeling in my life daily. I want that confidence when talking about ALL THINGS.

As I wrote about .a couple weeks ago I have a hard time with my "but" and not interjecting my "feelings" and how I think you've wronged me instead of letting it go. Recently when someone said something to me, I felt the inner shakeys and the defensiveness rising and I thought "why do I do this." And I came to a conclusion.

Want to hear it?


I would hope so...you've already read this much.

I have concluded that I have infused armor on, always ready for battle. Just like I had been when I was Cookie-Cutter Krystle Christian. But I am not going to bat about faith anymore I am confident and unswayed in that aspect of my life. But instead, I "put em up" about EVERYTHING else. At least, every little thing that I percieve as a dig at my character, a disagreement to my choices, or a judgment against me. It does not always manifest outwardly. Sometimes its just this heart racing negative scenario I create in my mind. But sometimes (And by sometimes I mean most of the time) it comes out in a slightly raised voice and a re-itteration and clarification to the assumed judgement you are making.

Twice recently I have heard, "You interrupt me before I can even finish." Lift dagger, plunge in heart. This is not the woman I want to be. I'm supposed to be open-minded and understanding. Not closed off and judgemental. And yet, in certain situations, I am exactly those things. HURUMPH!

I have already come to terms with the fact that my mind is not to be trusted. That it's instinctive assumptions and negativity are not the final word in this life.

So it's time to strip down bare again. Time to stop holding onto all of my inner defenses about myself. I need to obtain that gorgeous freedom again and this time break down the wall of lies that say,  "just on the other side is an army waiting to attack." I already know it works. Confidence comes when you are able to open up to opinions and views about a subject you've always felt the need to protect. Take it in, experience it through their eyes, and only adopt what is truth.

Today I relinquish the reins. I put my confidence and faith in the search and know that growth is a definitive part of my character. I am not free of negative personality traits. I am not naive to think I will never yell and get defensive. Those things are normal. All people should stand up for what they believe. But you'll never know, truly, who you are until you take time to figure that out. And that's what I intend to do.

And to End this I would like to quote Miss Molly and Ask:

What do you think it means to be brave in YOUR life?!

My Quarterlife Crisis and the Road to Joy

This is the blogpost I had submitted to be a guest blogger for the site Stratejoy. This site and it's tribe help me daily to be me. Better me, happier me, MORE ME, ME! I hope you enjoy!


We are always getting ready to live but never living. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson




I am an analytical dreamer with a touch of pessimism, and my QLC started just when I thought I had finally figured it all out. The Career, The Guy etc. It was going to be picturesque…or so I thought.

As my 27th year was coming to a close I had just finished a stint as an Americorps Volunteer. I was working at a private Christian school and barely making it. However, I was sitting on a scholarship of sorts. I needed to decide where to go back to school. School had never been my thing, but I was determined to FINALLY stick to it. I wasn’t getting any younger, but the people I worked with at the minimum wage jobs were. I looked into a Stenography Program that seemed completely opposite of who I am. Sitting in a courtroom not talking to anyone and writing really fast is not conducive to my fun-loving, people oriented, service driven ideals. Then one day, one of my much younger co-workers who was recently engaged was talking to me about all the high falootin’ plans she and her fiancé had. They were moving to Washington D.C. so he could work on Capitol Hill or Become a C.I.A Agent or something Grand and Awesome like that. Right then, in a moment of weakness of self, in moment of un-fair comparisons I decided, “Court Reporting School Here I come.” I reasoned that because of the fabulous paycheck that was offered to a stenographer I could fund the things that I REALLY wanted to do with my life. That sometimes you just have to grow up and find a career that perhaps, maybe, isn’t your hearts desire. Especially if you still didn’t know what that was…

In my second month of school I was kicking Ass, practicing everyday, and getting heaps of compliments from my teachers on how fast I was picking it up. (I start all school endeavors this way) Then I met the boy who changed my world. He was Tall and Awkward (And I like tall and awkward) He was a bit younger than me but I was intrigued and smitten from day 1. Because he was so painfully shy and I’ve never met a stranger, I did all the work and eventually convinced him he loved me.

*Sidenote* Girls, NEVER convince a boy to love you.

So here I was on the path to a career, the love of my life and limitless poss..i…bil..i…

And that’s where the happy imagery ends.

About 7 months into our relationship the two of us decided to share a moment of intimacy that would forever change the course of our lives together. I always thought I’d only ever make-love to one man. So this heightened the stakes of this early budding relationship. I then, of course, went on the pill. This made me hormonally and emotionally wrecked. He was a lovely boy who had spent his life in solitude and I wanted him to “Grow up”, “Be a Man”, and “Tell me you want to be with me forever.” And you know what? He couldn’t do it. He had yet to live fully on HIS own terms yet. So thinking of being someone’s husband and father was not even fathomable to him. I became depressed and felt unloved. I concluded that it was all my fault and I just needed to be better for him. I would stop lashing out. I would stop feeling upset when he didn’t include me in what was going on in that steel locked up mind of his. I started reading books about Love and how to express it better than I currently was. I purchased journals and consulted anyone who would listen. You know what he did? Watched baseball and said “Do you think sometimes two people are just too different and aren’t meant to be together?” This crushed me. I’m of the school of heart that Love conquers all. And if you truly love someone you try hard and make it work. You don’t let them go. So that’s what I did. I shifted gears. I started thinking maybe I needed to learn how to be happy. So I didn’t feel like he needed to change and grow and I could just be content. Then from a post that Miss Molly posted, I purchased “Learned Optimism.” But I did what I normally do with new books. I read the first chapter and then left it sitting on my nightstand for months.

One night, after watching an Episode of Fringe, I dared to breach the subject of marriage…again. I asked what his time-frame was. What he wanted and what he was planning etc. He then said “Probably not for 5-10 years.” And I calmly expressed that those numbers would put me at the later end of 30 and I didn’t really want to wait that long. After the constant feeling of sadness, not feeling like I was loved, Always fighting, discontent with the lack of communication and now this, We decided to end the relationship.

Not long after we parted ways I decided to pick up that book again. I then withdrew from school and obtained a position at a TV Station the VERY SAME DAY! Sometimes life awards you when you listen to your heart and that still voice that says “This isn’t working.”

I’m still dealing with the loss of my first love. Condensing it to a short action packed story leaves out all the Love we did share. But every day is better. I truly believe I wouldn’t be headed on this path or even writing this post now if I hadn’t had this valley to come through.

It turns out that trying my hardest to love someone the best way I could lead me to discovering the best way to Love myself.

Finding out a little bit more about oneself is, in my opinion, one of the best feelings. To know that NOW you can go and love a little bit better, treat people with a little more kindness, and just simply be a more genuine AWESOME version of yourself.

I still don’t know what I want as far as a career and love goes. If anything, I’m a bit more confused. However, I DO KNOW the person I want to be. I know that happiness and joy are more important than a paycheck and that as I seek them the rest falls into place.

Please visit www.stratejoy.com to be inspired and renewed by the amazing ladies over there!