Getting rid of my "But"

I try really really hard to be a good person. I try to be loving and kind and giving and as patient as possible. And to constantly grow and learn to improve these skill sets. Because, in my opinion, they are skill sets. We are not born these ways. It takes rearing and learnin' to achieve them.

And every once in a while I realize, "Krystle, Here's a place that can use some improving."

I realized a while ago I have a problem with, "but". I'm sorry...But. I understand...But. I Love you...But. Etc....But.

A couple years ago I felt I had conquered the Apology "But". However, <-- see what I did there? ;) It was just the beginning of this war between Me (selfishness) and Unconditional giving. You see there is this crazy need to make my point known. It starts in my gut and heightens in intensity when it gets to my heart. My mind then tells my frantic heart that it better say something, because it doesn't want to get all trampled on and used. "If you don't say how you FEEL about this, they are just going to walk all over you in the future. You better make it known that they need to understand you and where you are coming from. You can say you get their point of view..." *verbal blurt* BUT...!

It's like I'm doing myself some disservice if I don't attach the "But" in there. I am fully aware that this is a selfish way of thinking/acting. It doesn't feel this way in the moment, though. It feels more like self preservation. When it's all said and done and I go back and re-think it all (because I'm a woman and that's what I do) I am never happier because I threw my opposing and negating point in there.

That last sentence really sums it up. It is not a genuine apology if you must throw what they did at them. It negates your understanding if you then say you see it differently. And it belittles the Love you are trying to show if you make someone feel that they need to do something better to earn it.

So, I have learned today that I need to get rid of my "but". This feeling is a hard one to ignore in the moment, BUT it needs to be. I'm not saying I'm not going to give my opinions and be who I am. It's just in certain instances You learn that everyone is different. It doesn't matter whether you feel/think/act differently than them. They exist to do what they feel/think/act and no amount of "But-ing" is going to change that. You just have to go about existing the way you do and strive for harmony and Love regardless.

Choking down that tear enducing Feeling of injustice to myself is going to be VERY VERY HARD. It needs to be done though. Because I want the people in my life to be free of guilt and shame and know fully that I love them.

Someone Special To Me

I decided a Month or so ago that I wanted to start a series where I highlight the people in my life. Because, not to brag or anything, the people in my life are RIDICULOUSLY AMAZING! I mean it. I'm not sure how it happened. How this life became a place for some of the worlds finest to seek me out and befriend me. Or, even more of a blessing, own me and I them in the Title of Love we call family.

On this first venture into this I decided I wanted most to highlight someone who I miss terribly. Someone who God said "You are joined in a union no man can break. You are Sisters" And who I wish I talked to and saw More.

This is my amazingly GORGEOUS sister Shannon. She Has beautiful Blue eyes, a tiny waist & is a hip, cool, Tatted up Mom. She has a sensitive heart and tells it like it is.

When I was 15 and she 21 she would pick me up and take me to get Jamba Juice and hang out by the beach. She was the most beautiful, Cool Big sister and I felt a little bit more Cool just hanging out with her for the day. I felt a little more beautiful when people would call me "little Shannon." And I felt a little more confident knowing she liked to spend time with me.

My sister is an AMAZING mother. Her boys are funny and confident and RIDICULOUSLY handsome. They adore her, as they should. And she lives her life to make their life easier. I hope to be like that when I have kids some day.

My sister is ALWAYS there for her family. Every Birthday. Every Funeral. Her commitment to family is admirable and APPRECIATED. Miles don't matter. She believes in being there. That makes my heart happy.

I am saying all this Big Sister, to let you know just how much you mean to me. Life for us has not been easy. We have had quite the number of obstacles to overcome but just know that your love and attention has always made me a little stronger. You're life has made a difference to so many, but right now, I'm taking this time to say just how much you have impacted mine in Big, Huge, WONDEFUL ways.

You are beyond Lovely and I want you to know that. REALLY know that. Your heart, Your Love, Your Character...All of it! Simply Lovely.

I love you beyond words. Forever! Even when we don't talk all the time. Even when Feelings get hurt or Misunderstandings arise. I Love You!

Love Always,

Your Little Sister