I Won't Give Up

"'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"

Love is hard.

Really Really hard.

INCREDIBLY HARD!

Are you getting it? Cause I can say it again...LOVE IS SO HARD!

Love takes you from this place of self-absorbed bliss. A Habitat of sole decision maker on movie night and messy dwellings. To a new land where your considerations need to be considerate and kindness trumps expectations.

There has been an uprising of this topic in my life lately. Not so much finding it hard to love someone, but just how much it takes to be successful at keeping a relationship going.

As I wrote in my last post, I find it hard to deny that urge to say what's on my mind and how I feel about things. Choosing my battles is not my strong suit. I tend to choose them all. (I should say I Tend-ed...I am improving)

I think there is nothing more beautiful and Heart Tuggingly Poignant than a Love that has been fought for. Not like a duel for the fair maiden's honor. But a Love where both people act as partners. Struggle through learning eachother. Digging in and holding steady when the circumstances beg to tear them apart. Bite their tongues when their partner drives too slow, doesn't take out the trash, leaves the dishes for the next day...

I really think that up until now I have been very happy to be selfish. Reveled in my ability to stay out as late as I want. Drive as fast as I want. Not have to answer to anyone. And all around have the time of my life.

I don't work very hard at much. It's one of my 1,001 issues to deal with. I even wrote a blog about my lack of stick-to-it-iveness. No matter how much I may think I want to do something it will most likely fall by the wayside. I will visit it from time to time. But Master it, I will not.

There is one exception to this. That exception is Self-Growth. I will pain-stakingly mold and bend. I will be refined over and over. The end goal being: to be someone better than who I was before. The rule I follow in this process is to rid myself of anything that is hurtful to others or myself. This includes things like jealousy, greed, insecurity, & selfishness. It does not include things like my ability to couch surf all day long or talk your ear off about the boy I like. Those things don't hurt you. They may annoy you, but loving me means loving all of me.

In short, I am ready. I am ready to take this learning and these growth spurts and put them to good use. To fight for something worthy. I want to struggle in Love. I want to bite my tongue and dig my heels in. I want to forego sleep and give everything I have to a child. I want to look back on a long rocky road full of pit-falls and flat tires and feel blessed to have come so far with the person I chose to experience it all with.

I'm not sure if this is in the cards for me. I'm not being woe is me or maudlin. Just not sure what this life has in store. I may roam this life powerfully solitary, and I'm ok with that.

But just in case, Future, I'm excited to fight with you. I look forward to Learning how you feel most loved. I'm ready to resolve issues with kisses and hold hands in the middle of the night, fatigued while we rock our twins to sleep (they run in my family...sorry did I fail to mention that) I can't wait to know you so well that I know exactly what buttons to push. And I can't wait to be silver haired and perpetually blissful because we have gone through the thick of it and conquered it all.

Til then, I'll just keep growing.

Getting rid of my "But"

I try really really hard to be a good person. I try to be loving and kind and giving and as patient as possible. And to constantly grow and learn to improve these skill sets. Because, in my opinion, they are skill sets. We are not born these ways. It takes rearing and learnin' to achieve them.

And every once in a while I realize, "Krystle, Here's a place that can use some improving."

I realized a while ago I have a problem with, "but". I'm sorry...But. I understand...But. I Love you...But. Etc....But.

A couple years ago I felt I had conquered the Apology "But". However, <-- see what I did there? ;) It was just the beginning of this war between Me (selfishness) and Unconditional giving. You see there is this crazy need to make my point known. It starts in my gut and heightens in intensity when it gets to my heart. My mind then tells my frantic heart that it better say something, because it doesn't want to get all trampled on and used. "If you don't say how you FEEL about this, they are just going to walk all over you in the future. You better make it known that they need to understand you and where you are coming from. You can say you get their point of view..." *verbal blurt* BUT...!

It's like I'm doing myself some disservice if I don't attach the "But" in there. I am fully aware that this is a selfish way of thinking/acting. It doesn't feel this way in the moment, though. It feels more like self preservation. When it's all said and done and I go back and re-think it all (because I'm a woman and that's what I do) I am never happier because I threw my opposing and negating point in there.

That last sentence really sums it up. It is not a genuine apology if you must throw what they did at them. It negates your understanding if you then say you see it differently. And it belittles the Love you are trying to show if you make someone feel that they need to do something better to earn it.

So, I have learned today that I need to get rid of my "but". This feeling is a hard one to ignore in the moment, BUT it needs to be. I'm not saying I'm not going to give my opinions and be who I am. It's just in certain instances You learn that everyone is different. It doesn't matter whether you feel/think/act differently than them. They exist to do what they feel/think/act and no amount of "But-ing" is going to change that. You just have to go about existing the way you do and strive for harmony and Love regardless.

Choking down that tear enducing Feeling of injustice to myself is going to be VERY VERY HARD. It needs to be done though. Because I want the people in my life to be free of guilt and shame and know fully that I love them.