Things I haven't said to you.

*I wish you'd talk/write to me

*You really were an asshole and I'm no one's "for now"

*I'm sorry I never answer your calls. Busy is no excuse and I'm afraid one day you'll stop calling

*You are so gorgeous but I think your body image has you feeling insecure. It shouldn't but I will help in ANY WAY I can. I need help there too.

*Thank you for helping me get over my ex. We were less than nothing but knowing a real man helped me realize I deserved more.

*Our past makes me think we could have a future. But That's just sillyness.

*I don't hate you. I actually think you have helped me grow.

*You aren't really all that nice

*You are quite literally one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Words can't even express my love for you. which is why I fail to try.

*Im sorry I judged you at such a young age. I wish I could take it back.

*I kind of have a girl-crush on you.

*My life was better because you weren't in it. Thanks for leaving

*You are worth so much more than you keep letting yourself go for.

*You are not my enemy. You did nothing wrong.

*You were not blameless

*I miss you

*You helped me realize a love for music/musicianship was SUCH A TURN ON

*I try to pretend I'm not like the masses, but really I was just as excited when you broke up with your girlfriend.

*You talk about yourself too much.



Someone Special to Me: My Baby D

It's been awhile since I shared someone whom I love with the world. And seeing as this person is one of the most important people in my life AND it's almost her 21st birthday I figured she would be a good candidate.

This, my friends, is my Baby D!

She is my Baby Sister. Almost 10 years younger than I but my absolute best friend! She is the one person in this whole world who knows my heart better than I do. She is always, ALWAYS there for me and I couldn't be more grateful for the gift she is to me.

Deanna Denise Austin is one of the most charismatic and magnetic humans on this earth. People are drawn to her charm and infectious smile. She radiates confidence and I honestly think she could start a cult in the morning and have 100 followers by lunch. She has a passion for life that cannot be squelched and her heart is so big.

My baby sister has had to deal with a lot of adversity in this crazy life. She has fought with demons and overcome hate. She has struggled and courageously become the amazing woman she is today and she is still triumphing to become the woman she will be. With all of this her love for others has remained pure and intact. She, like me, doesn't know how to quit on those she loves. She is so beautiful.

Baby D is so brave! She moved half way across the country at 19 years old and made a life of her own. Something I have never done at age 30. She knows what she wants and she does it. Sometimes (to be honest) it is a little bit on the inconsiderate side, however, she is young and this life is all she has. I am proud of her for living it to the fullest. For hopping trains and befriending strangers ;)

Deanna Denise, Baby D, Baby Sister, You are my ultimate best friend. You and I have a bond unlike anything I have ever experienced. I Love You beyond words. So this post is doing a great disservice, but I'll try anyway. I love how you know how I'm feeling before I can even say it. I love that you know my heart and have to tell me what is good for me when I don't know. I love that I can call you and say random things like "waiting for an absolution that will never come....what is that from" and you will say "Titanic". You are such a deep thinker and I love that we can spend hours talking about any topic. I couldnt' have made it through this life or in this family without you as my side-kick, my confidant and my partner. I often feel that I owe you so much. That your intuition into my being and willingness to be there for me at any turn are sorely unmatched. I only hope I can be the big sister you deserve and that I have taught you at least something worthy. You really do own my heart baby sister. I didn't know 21 years ago when you were born a month too early and vastly under weight that you would be the one person in this life that meant I had something worth living for. I have someone who cares for me and loves me. I have someone whom I love more and more with each year we share together. In this life you always hope you can find someone who gets it. Who knows what you find funny and who understands WHY you think it's funny. Who understand why that makes you cry, or how to make you feel better.

I'll never forget a time when I wanted to run though the sprinklers at our Alma Mater and my then boyfriend wouldn't do it with me. I looked at you and said "Do you want to run through the sprinklers?" to which you replied, "Not really. But I will do it with you." I knew then that I would always have someone to go on adventures with because I had you. And that I had someone who would do something they didnt' want to do, just because it would make me happy. And that is the most priceless gift anyone can have.

Thank You SO MUCH My Beautiful Baby Sister! Lets go do something you want to do , just because I love your smile SO MUCH and want to do ANYTHING to make you happy.

Love Always,

Your Big Sister

Gilmore Girls taught me Ennui

Sometimes....

And by "Sometimes" I mean all the times...

I just don't do what is good for me.


I mean, I don't even do what I KNOW will make me happy. It's like as soon as it's expected from me, even if it's by myself, I shut down and rebel. "Don't tell me what to do," I say internally and then I pop on some Gilmore Girls and eat some pizza and drink some wine and do nothing productive or fulfilling with my day.

I'm just not sure why. And it BUGS me so. Why do I do this? I have the tools for happiness. I am in the beginning stages of implementing them, but old habits die hard. And those habits are like all the villians of all the lands got together and formed this super beast where only sunlight, silver bullets, garlic, chopping of their head etc. combined will kill them. And most days I'd just rather give in and let them take over.

I wonder if it's lazniess. I think maybe it is. That sucks.

I have said that my new definition of success is living exactly where I am and being happy with the life I have and have created. And as much as I believe this is imperative to finding joy in the now, I crave more. I want to do what I absolutely love. I want to travel the world. I want to meet new people and absorb their intellect and culture and sparkle. But that will never happen if I keep falling prey to my lack of focus and rebellious nature.

I'm not a list maker. I'm not organized. I don't enjoy getting up early. I have commitment issues. Something that seems absolutely amazing will lose it's appeal as soon as I realize it will take up my free time or that I'll have to dedicate years to it. This from a girl who has been desperate for a fairytale romance since age 4. But even that, marriage, kids, career...it's so...permanent! I can't fly off on a whim if I'm tied down! BUT I don't do that now so whats the big deal? Maybe it's because I have never done it therefore I feel unfulfilled, who knows. I'm rambling. And you're still reading...so I'll continue on.

My point is simply that I am single. I have no ties. I can fly off on a whim. I can go out every night and learn whatever I want. I can finish my Happiness Book and Joy Equation prompts. I can master my guitar and exercise. I can move into my car and save money for a year and hit the road on the most badass world tour ever! But...I'm not. And I need to figure out why and fix it.

Perhaps I need to rid myself of distraction. No Gilmore Girls/Dexter until I've done something fulfilling. No chocolate until I exercise. No thinking about a boy (Going on his FB, Reading old converstions, making something out of nothing) until he actually deigns to talk to me. (That's a tough one) And No sitting until something has been cleaned or washed or made or cooked. I really need a checks and balances system in place. But I will rebel so hard. Buh.

Any tips on overcoming this? Feel free to share. :)

Musings of a Shy Extrovert

"Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man."

-Francis Bacon

I used to be painfully shy, rather insecure, and stuck in my head. Call me crazy but I didn't like it so much. As of late, however,  I've been realizing the beauty that is The Introvert. How subtletly trumps brashness and quiet earned wisdom is worth more than loud combative opinons.

I worked really hard to rid myself of my shell. Wear my heart on my sleeve and be able to connect to others. I like people. I like making people feel good about themselves and I enjoy knowing I'm considered a safe place. You all know this, already...Hello Redundancy! So I'm assuming this is why I am considered an extrovert. The Myers Briggs Personality Indicator indicates I am an ENFP. EXTROVERT, Intuition, Feeling, Percieving. Most of it I understand. But why am i an extrovert? Because I'm so friendly? I wonder if I had taken this test back in the day if I would have gotten the same result. I have always adored people. Hmmm...Anyway, I digress.

My point is simply that I am considered an extrovert despite my incredibly shy childhood. I used to call myself a recovering introvert. Now, however, I don't believe it is something to recover from. Not everyone WANTS to have tons of friends nor do they get energized by the company of others. So I had to realize that people can actually be content with their introverted ways and pushing them to do otherwise is just kinda mean. "We are all different, Krystle, crazy huh?!"

With all this being said, I still believe I have introverted traits. I have an inward focus and a strong sense of self which makes me highly self-concious. And I bathe in sarcasm...to name a few

*segue*

I have been following the #VEDA (Vlog Ever Day in August)  posts by a few of my twitter friends. They are so fun and you REALLY get to know the participants. One of the topics was communication. I was watching Eleni's Post from that day and in it she discussed how she is much more comfortable when writing than in person. I first "met" her via her musings on her blog. She is brilliant! Her words about life have quite literally given me chills and caused misty eyes. So to hear her OWN her preffered form of communication was inspiring and got my wheels turning. And this is the ponderating that occured...

With the advent of constant written communication less and less people talk in person or create an actual connection with others. This is sad to me. Also it has been said that the internet is the "fake", "perfect" etc. version of yourself. I, myself, have often thought that if someone met me in person they would find out I am not as whitty and enjoyable in person as I "Seem" on the internet/through my writing.

But is this the truth? I mean. Just because you are taking your time to say exactly what you mean and saying it precisely the way you want to, does that make this version of yourself false? It lives in you. The words are still yours they just aren't as knee jerk when confronted with a constant flow of conversation. I can honestly say that when writing my blog it is rare that I pause. I tend to just let the thoughts flow through my fingers and hit Publish. From time to time I go back and edit misspells and grammatical errors etc. but for the most part the musings/what I am saying stays the same. When I am with someone in person though, I would never be this insightful or Eloquent. I stumble over words and correct myself over and again. But here, where I have time to form a solid topic and dwell and then put out there what I really want to say, I am ME. I am the person who lives inside and doesn't get to come out very often because Extrovert Krystle doesn't know how to shut up and just formulate solid points. She just spews streaming thoughts with no definition. Here, this place, is where I slow down, hone into my former shy/introverted self and let her out in all her wise and lovely glory.

So I  motion to stop thinking that the writer in us is the false version of us. In my opinion it is the purest and most honest. It's just the part of us that lives inside. It is in this place that we are Exactly who we are.

I would walk 500 Miles: Life lessons from Benny & Joon

My computer went kaput on me and I am researching my first laptop purchase. In the meantime, I have been diving into my dvd collection every night for some good entertainment whilst I eat dinner. Last night I felt as though I had struck gold when I found Benny & Joon. I had forgotten I had it! This movie is QUITE WONDERFUL. If you have not seen it I highly encourage you to. OR, even better, come watch it with me!

As I watched I kept thinking, " I feel like this movie had a bigger affect on me than I realized as a teenager." And of course, "I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!!!!"

So I have compiled a list of life altering lessons to be (I have) learned from this tale of quirk, whit and love.

(1)

Sometimes it's ok to win strangers in a bet and let them live in your home. Ok, ok, not really. But I think the idea of being open to new things/people/experiences is what life is all about. Maybe sign up for that couch surfing site like you've wanted to and let people chill at your house whilst they travel the world. OR if you are feeling really brave, invite a vagrant in for dinner. Stretch those comfort zones and enjoy the ride

(2)

Making grilled cheese with an iron NEEDS to happen

(3)

More men should wear suspenders, vests and cool hats. (take note)

(4)

Raisins are grapes who had the life sucked out of them

(5)

Men who do dance numbers with dinner rolls and forks will win my heart whether or not they know how to read. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have an intense love for one Pooh Bear named Winnie. This is because his simple wisdom is pure and profound. I see Sam (Johnny's Character) this same way. Life is this beautiful thing and we (I) spend SO MUCH time worrying and thinking and dwelling instead of just living. It feels good to work for my A-Ha! moments of simplicity, but some just have it naturally. And I kind of adore them.

(6)

Wordy girls with flowery expressions tend to be crazy. Eeep!

(7)

Read up on/watch more Buster Keaton films

(8)

And the most important life lesson learned is this: Even Juniper Pearl in all her amazing, crazy, intellectual, unstable glory found someone who loved her just the way she was. Now I know she is a fictional character & I will most likely never find a quirky, understanding, Johnny Depp look-alike with a knack for physical comedy of my very own, but the lesson remains. And that is that being happy with every single downfall you or I possess is key. We are not broken. We are not damaged. We are wonderful. This is not to say that we can't be better. But accepting oneself, even the things that you deem ugly or undesireable is imperative. And that is when, one day, you will find someone hanging out in a tree and twirling hubcaps and they will think you are wonderful too.

I've learned recently I feel a lot. I mean, I always knew, but I learned that not everyone does. So as I watched last night and my heart lept and sang and swelled and all the other fun things you can say your heart does when really it just pumps blood in and out, I was joyful in the woman I am.

Thanks Benny & Joon

Love,

Krystle

"So baby take an axe to your make-up kit" -Rx Bandits

So there was this time. When I was young(er) and invincible where my life was so full of adventure and I only lived by whim. Life was too short for responsibility and this band was the soundtrack to my life. I spent so many years crippled by insecurity and a horrible self image and here they were telling me I was BEAUTIFUL just how I was. Encouraging me to rid myself of all my beauty products and be confident without them. I actually spent about 6 months with no makeup. I swore it off completely. However, coupled with this burst of assurance was also a 50+ lb weight loss. I had gotten sick and food was my enemy. I lost weight without trying and was the thinest I had ever been...well...since grade school.

I looked a little like this...but then I started gaining it back

And kept gaining

Yes, I met the Jonas Brothers, don't be jealous.

And after a ruined friendship, A scare that I was going to lose my mom, and an unhappy relationship I tipped the scales at almost 250.



And along with my thin frame my self confidence was lost.

I was letting the Bandits down. I was letting myself down. I thought I had really grasped that whole self-confidence thing. I thought I had severed that tie that linked it to my weight. But in retrospect, it was anchored in my dress size. When I was thin, I quite literally had guys who had gone out of their way to be the assiest of Jack Asses to me, spitting lines of adoration. I scoffed at their advances with friends but loved that I finally had the upper hand. And you know what? It was because of the lowered number on my scale. And you know what else? It felt REALLY good.

I am now in this place of confusion. Trying so hard to be happy just exactly where I am. I am a gorgeous, loving, sassy, un-filtered gal with awesome boobs and a great ass. But I also have experience to tell me valuptuous Krystle isn't a widely desired version as compared to thin me. I can tell myself this every morning and it won't stop me from feeling a little less than when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. If it were just a life lived alone, with wonderful friends and nieces and nephews that love me I think I could be ok. And I am working incredibly hard to be totally and completely fine with that. However, I really do want someone to love someday. Someone to love me in return for all that I am.  And that is someone who is NEVER EVER EVER (Cue Taylor Swift) going to be a size 5. A woman who will most likely gain weight when I have kids and pain myself with MONTHS of dieting and exercise to get back to thin-town. A bird who is 5'9 and has to have bones showing in order to resemble thin because I am just not built to be tiny. And yet, I'm still not ok with this.

I'm struggling here guys. I am confident in most places. I love WHO I am. I am proud of WHAT I've achieved, I'm GRATEFUL for the people in this amazing life, and in truth this mug of mine is STUNNING. I have gorgeous blue eyes, eyelashes that touch the sky, porcelain smooth skin, perfect lips and my hair is enviable. It's just the stuff below, the middle ground and the appendages that I look at and feel a little bit of woe in my heart.

I thought it was time I shared a post that didn't have an answer. One that I am still struggling with and to ask for some encouragement. I am definitely on my way to losing the weight, but I so desperately want to be ok before that.

Look at this girl! She just climbed a water fall and her smile is radiant! She should most definitely see herself as GORGEOUS; body and all! Help her out with that, would you?



IN THE MEANTIME THE BANDITS WILL ENCOURAGE ME WITH THESE GORGEOUS LYRICS!

TO OUR UNBORN DAUGHTERS

Written for you these words, the love of my life

the world is yours to discover

with brand new eyes

you're no player in a game of roles assigned

what you possess has no barter, no structure,

no insurmountable walls,

only barriers of perception

Don't you ever be afraid of all of your beauty

you can move without his words

or a grant of submission

Oh they try to smother

you're righteous ambition

and stifle your loving grace

they tell you its a little girl's place

to alter your convictions

no don't you wait...

Put it down, rhetoric

Shake it out now baby

They said you want it

they said you need it

but you don't need it anymore

(and you never did)

They thrust you their products

by making you feel insecure

the matriarch was murdered

and now woman is a four letter word
Put a price on your body

to convince you that it's all you're worth

they are afraid of the power they lose

and the gift of creation

so don't you ever listen!

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me.

 

Hi. My name is Krystle and I'm an uber fan. Magazines such as these were my crack cocaine as a pre-pubescent girl and I salivated over every last trivial detail regarding my favorite celebrity crushes. Ask me what Justin Timberlakes favorite childhood toy was and I could tell you. (It was toy guitars BTW) Oh, you didn't care? Too bad. Somehow this made me feel closer to them. Like I knew them. We were friends.

Ok. ok. Before you get all "you are verging on crazy stalker status". I never hid in their closets or anything disturbing like that. I may have written silly love notes in hopes they'd see my heart and fall in love with me. Which, now that I think of it, is far more embarrasing.

I entered adulthood never really ridding myself of this fanatisicm. When I learned I could follow bands/musicians of the underground variety and ACTUALLY TALK TO THEM!! I was hooked. I soon became on a first name basis with some of the greatest artists of my day (you know, in my humble opion) and basked in their inspiring glow.

*Enter the advent of Social Media*

Uh oh! Now normal people can be stalked and you can know frivilous things about them too! You can spend hours looking at their pictures and reading how amazing their lives are. It is socially acceptible to share too much information with the world and have "followers". Even more so, it is totally cool to "follow" strangers and comment on their daily lives. At first this seemed ideal. I was normal afterall. Everyone does it now. I wasn't so weird to memorize things about someone I had never met and *ahem* kinda feel an attachment to them based on this information. So TOTALLY O.K.

Except...It's kinda not. ESPECIALLY for me. One of my Best Friends once told me that I am not just a friend. That I'm more like a fan of the people I love. It was one of the best compliments I could have ever recieved, because I was a VERY PASSIONATE fan. So if that same fervor showed through in my love of REAL PEOPLE then I must be doing something right. But you see, the problem is, I'm a fan of the people I love. So it's just a slippery slope when it comes to having access to intel on actual people I can talk to. Soon I'm daydreaming about being their best friend and what fun we will have. OR planning our fictional first date.

So I guess what I'm saying is...I need an intervention. A Fanatics intervention. I need to limit the amount of useless propoganda I insert in this ravenous brain and instead fill it with things like philosophy and How awesome I am.

Honestly, I kind of feel like I should only know about you the things you tell me personally. Because that is when you are actually saying "I trust you. You are a friend." So feel free to share with me whatever you want. But I'm going to try and limit the amount of facts I gather via the interwebs and wait patiently for you to invite me in.

Hey, Did you know that Morgan  met her husband on Myspace and had a Tiffany inspired wedding?! Like that...things like that. Guh! This is going to be hard!