Musings of a Shy Extrovert

"Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man."

-Francis Bacon

I used to be painfully shy, rather insecure, and stuck in my head. Call me crazy but I didn't like it so much. As of late, however,  I've been realizing the beauty that is The Introvert. How subtletly trumps brashness and quiet earned wisdom is worth more than loud combative opinons.

I worked really hard to rid myself of my shell. Wear my heart on my sleeve and be able to connect to others. I like people. I like making people feel good about themselves and I enjoy knowing I'm considered a safe place. You all know this, already...Hello Redundancy! So I'm assuming this is why I am considered an extrovert. The Myers Briggs Personality Indicator indicates I am an ENFP. EXTROVERT, Intuition, Feeling, Percieving. Most of it I understand. But why am i an extrovert? Because I'm so friendly? I wonder if I had taken this test back in the day if I would have gotten the same result. I have always adored people. Hmmm...Anyway, I digress.

My point is simply that I am considered an extrovert despite my incredibly shy childhood. I used to call myself a recovering introvert. Now, however, I don't believe it is something to recover from. Not everyone WANTS to have tons of friends nor do they get energized by the company of others. So I had to realize that people can actually be content with their introverted ways and pushing them to do otherwise is just kinda mean. "We are all different, Krystle, crazy huh?!"

With all this being said, I still believe I have introverted traits. I have an inward focus and a strong sense of self which makes me highly self-concious. And I bathe in sarcasm...to name a few

*segue*

I have been following the #VEDA (Vlog Ever Day in August)  posts by a few of my twitter friends. They are so fun and you REALLY get to know the participants. One of the topics was communication. I was watching Eleni's Post from that day and in it she discussed how she is much more comfortable when writing than in person. I first "met" her via her musings on her blog. She is brilliant! Her words about life have quite literally given me chills and caused misty eyes. So to hear her OWN her preffered form of communication was inspiring and got my wheels turning. And this is the ponderating that occured...

With the advent of constant written communication less and less people talk in person or create an actual connection with others. This is sad to me. Also it has been said that the internet is the "fake", "perfect" etc. version of yourself. I, myself, have often thought that if someone met me in person they would find out I am not as whitty and enjoyable in person as I "Seem" on the internet/through my writing.

But is this the truth? I mean. Just because you are taking your time to say exactly what you mean and saying it precisely the way you want to, does that make this version of yourself false? It lives in you. The words are still yours they just aren't as knee jerk when confronted with a constant flow of conversation. I can honestly say that when writing my blog it is rare that I pause. I tend to just let the thoughts flow through my fingers and hit Publish. From time to time I go back and edit misspells and grammatical errors etc. but for the most part the musings/what I am saying stays the same. When I am with someone in person though, I would never be this insightful or Eloquent. I stumble over words and correct myself over and again. But here, where I have time to form a solid topic and dwell and then put out there what I really want to say, I am ME. I am the person who lives inside and doesn't get to come out very often because Extrovert Krystle doesn't know how to shut up and just formulate solid points. She just spews streaming thoughts with no definition. Here, this place, is where I slow down, hone into my former shy/introverted self and let her out in all her wise and lovely glory.

So I  motion to stop thinking that the writer in us is the false version of us. In my opinion it is the purest and most honest. It's just the part of us that lives inside. It is in this place that we are Exactly who we are.

I would walk 500 Miles: Life lessons from Benny & Joon

My computer went kaput on me and I am researching my first laptop purchase. In the meantime, I have been diving into my dvd collection every night for some good entertainment whilst I eat dinner. Last night I felt as though I had struck gold when I found Benny & Joon. I had forgotten I had it! This movie is QUITE WONDERFUL. If you have not seen it I highly encourage you to. OR, even better, come watch it with me!

As I watched I kept thinking, " I feel like this movie had a bigger affect on me than I realized as a teenager." And of course, "I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!!!!"

So I have compiled a list of life altering lessons to be (I have) learned from this tale of quirk, whit and love.

(1)

Sometimes it's ok to win strangers in a bet and let them live in your home. Ok, ok, not really. But I think the idea of being open to new things/people/experiences is what life is all about. Maybe sign up for that couch surfing site like you've wanted to and let people chill at your house whilst they travel the world. OR if you are feeling really brave, invite a vagrant in for dinner. Stretch those comfort zones and enjoy the ride

(2)

Making grilled cheese with an iron NEEDS to happen

(3)

More men should wear suspenders, vests and cool hats. (take note)

(4)

Raisins are grapes who had the life sucked out of them

(5)

Men who do dance numbers with dinner rolls and forks will win my heart whether or not they know how to read. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have an intense love for one Pooh Bear named Winnie. This is because his simple wisdom is pure and profound. I see Sam (Johnny's Character) this same way. Life is this beautiful thing and we (I) spend SO MUCH time worrying and thinking and dwelling instead of just living. It feels good to work for my A-Ha! moments of simplicity, but some just have it naturally. And I kind of adore them.

(6)

Wordy girls with flowery expressions tend to be crazy. Eeep!

(7)

Read up on/watch more Buster Keaton films

(8)

And the most important life lesson learned is this: Even Juniper Pearl in all her amazing, crazy, intellectual, unstable glory found someone who loved her just the way she was. Now I know she is a fictional character & I will most likely never find a quirky, understanding, Johnny Depp look-alike with a knack for physical comedy of my very own, but the lesson remains. And that is that being happy with every single downfall you or I possess is key. We are not broken. We are not damaged. We are wonderful. This is not to say that we can't be better. But accepting oneself, even the things that you deem ugly or undesireable is imperative. And that is when, one day, you will find someone hanging out in a tree and twirling hubcaps and they will think you are wonderful too.

I've learned recently I feel a lot. I mean, I always knew, but I learned that not everyone does. So as I watched last night and my heart lept and sang and swelled and all the other fun things you can say your heart does when really it just pumps blood in and out, I was joyful in the woman I am.

Thanks Benny & Joon

Love,

Krystle

"So baby take an axe to your make-up kit" -Rx Bandits

So there was this time. When I was young(er) and invincible where my life was so full of adventure and I only lived by whim. Life was too short for responsibility and this band was the soundtrack to my life. I spent so many years crippled by insecurity and a horrible self image and here they were telling me I was BEAUTIFUL just how I was. Encouraging me to rid myself of all my beauty products and be confident without them. I actually spent about 6 months with no makeup. I swore it off completely. However, coupled with this burst of assurance was also a 50+ lb weight loss. I had gotten sick and food was my enemy. I lost weight without trying and was the thinest I had ever been...well...since grade school.

I looked a little like this...but then I started gaining it back

And kept gaining

Yes, I met the Jonas Brothers, don't be jealous.

And after a ruined friendship, A scare that I was going to lose my mom, and an unhappy relationship I tipped the scales at almost 250.



And along with my thin frame my self confidence was lost.

I was letting the Bandits down. I was letting myself down. I thought I had really grasped that whole self-confidence thing. I thought I had severed that tie that linked it to my weight. But in retrospect, it was anchored in my dress size. When I was thin, I quite literally had guys who had gone out of their way to be the assiest of Jack Asses to me, spitting lines of adoration. I scoffed at their advances with friends but loved that I finally had the upper hand. And you know what? It was because of the lowered number on my scale. And you know what else? It felt REALLY good.

I am now in this place of confusion. Trying so hard to be happy just exactly where I am. I am a gorgeous, loving, sassy, un-filtered gal with awesome boobs and a great ass. But I also have experience to tell me valuptuous Krystle isn't a widely desired version as compared to thin me. I can tell myself this every morning and it won't stop me from feeling a little less than when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. If it were just a life lived alone, with wonderful friends and nieces and nephews that love me I think I could be ok. And I am working incredibly hard to be totally and completely fine with that. However, I really do want someone to love someday. Someone to love me in return for all that I am.  And that is someone who is NEVER EVER EVER (Cue Taylor Swift) going to be a size 5. A woman who will most likely gain weight when I have kids and pain myself with MONTHS of dieting and exercise to get back to thin-town. A bird who is 5'9 and has to have bones showing in order to resemble thin because I am just not built to be tiny. And yet, I'm still not ok with this.

I'm struggling here guys. I am confident in most places. I love WHO I am. I am proud of WHAT I've achieved, I'm GRATEFUL for the people in this amazing life, and in truth this mug of mine is STUNNING. I have gorgeous blue eyes, eyelashes that touch the sky, porcelain smooth skin, perfect lips and my hair is enviable. It's just the stuff below, the middle ground and the appendages that I look at and feel a little bit of woe in my heart.

I thought it was time I shared a post that didn't have an answer. One that I am still struggling with and to ask for some encouragement. I am definitely on my way to losing the weight, but I so desperately want to be ok before that.

Look at this girl! She just climbed a water fall and her smile is radiant! She should most definitely see herself as GORGEOUS; body and all! Help her out with that, would you?



IN THE MEANTIME THE BANDITS WILL ENCOURAGE ME WITH THESE GORGEOUS LYRICS!

TO OUR UNBORN DAUGHTERS

Written for you these words, the love of my life

the world is yours to discover

with brand new eyes

you're no player in a game of roles assigned

what you possess has no barter, no structure,

no insurmountable walls,

only barriers of perception

Don't you ever be afraid of all of your beauty

you can move without his words

or a grant of submission

Oh they try to smother

you're righteous ambition

and stifle your loving grace

they tell you its a little girl's place

to alter your convictions

no don't you wait...

Put it down, rhetoric

Shake it out now baby

They said you want it

they said you need it

but you don't need it anymore

(and you never did)

They thrust you their products

by making you feel insecure

the matriarch was murdered

and now woman is a four letter word
Put a price on your body

to convince you that it's all you're worth

they are afraid of the power they lose

and the gift of creation

so don't you ever listen!

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me.

 

Hi. My name is Krystle and I'm an uber fan. Magazines such as these were my crack cocaine as a pre-pubescent girl and I salivated over every last trivial detail regarding my favorite celebrity crushes. Ask me what Justin Timberlakes favorite childhood toy was and I could tell you. (It was toy guitars BTW) Oh, you didn't care? Too bad. Somehow this made me feel closer to them. Like I knew them. We were friends.

Ok. ok. Before you get all "you are verging on crazy stalker status". I never hid in their closets or anything disturbing like that. I may have written silly love notes in hopes they'd see my heart and fall in love with me. Which, now that I think of it, is far more embarrasing.

I entered adulthood never really ridding myself of this fanatisicm. When I learned I could follow bands/musicians of the underground variety and ACTUALLY TALK TO THEM!! I was hooked. I soon became on a first name basis with some of the greatest artists of my day (you know, in my humble opion) and basked in their inspiring glow.

*Enter the advent of Social Media*

Uh oh! Now normal people can be stalked and you can know frivilous things about them too! You can spend hours looking at their pictures and reading how amazing their lives are. It is socially acceptible to share too much information with the world and have "followers". Even more so, it is totally cool to "follow" strangers and comment on their daily lives. At first this seemed ideal. I was normal afterall. Everyone does it now. I wasn't so weird to memorize things about someone I had never met and *ahem* kinda feel an attachment to them based on this information. So TOTALLY O.K.

Except...It's kinda not. ESPECIALLY for me. One of my Best Friends once told me that I am not just a friend. That I'm more like a fan of the people I love. It was one of the best compliments I could have ever recieved, because I was a VERY PASSIONATE fan. So if that same fervor showed through in my love of REAL PEOPLE then I must be doing something right. But you see, the problem is, I'm a fan of the people I love. So it's just a slippery slope when it comes to having access to intel on actual people I can talk to. Soon I'm daydreaming about being their best friend and what fun we will have. OR planning our fictional first date.

So I guess what I'm saying is...I need an intervention. A Fanatics intervention. I need to limit the amount of useless propoganda I insert in this ravenous brain and instead fill it with things like philosophy and How awesome I am.

Honestly, I kind of feel like I should only know about you the things you tell me personally. Because that is when you are actually saying "I trust you. You are a friend." So feel free to share with me whatever you want. But I'm going to try and limit the amount of facts I gather via the interwebs and wait patiently for you to invite me in.

Hey, Did you know that Morgan  met her husband on Myspace and had a Tiffany inspired wedding?! Like that...things like that. Guh! This is going to be hard!

I'm really tired Future Husband...

I'm sure this is the point where you think I'm going to say something like, "of waiting for you," or "of searching" etc. Sorry to disappoint, but it is not. I am actually just really tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I tossed and turned and couldn't turn my mind off. Sometimes, I like to think, it's because I don't have you to enwrap me in your arms at night. But then I remember I hate spooning when I'm actually sleeping, It's just not comfortable...sorry. But who knows, maybe when we find eachother and we spend that first night entangled and naked we will fit so perfectly together that laying on your chest will be better than any pillow I've ever encountered. Maybe, My Future...maybe.

I'm here with another little note because I think it's important, at times like these, when I'm groggy and a little moody to still say I Love You.

And to say...

That your sheer masculinity makes me weak in the knees at times. Seriously. I swoon when you don't shave and you resemble a mountain man who has had little access to civilization lately. I want to remove my clothes when your banter is whitty and your intellect is on display. Not in an inflated ego kind of way, but just those moments when you are just being you, all smart and stuff, and it makes me want to do sexy things with you. I love when you see me fading fast into that scary place of emotion mixed with insecurity, and with your strong hand, you gently brush the dishevled hair out of my face and kiss my forehead. Your heart makes mine grow a little every day. You are so amazing with our neices and nephews, my love, and I can't wait to see you with our kids one day. You follow your whims and spontaneity is an integral part of this crazy life we have going. Thank you for that. Thank you for making this ride worth it at every turn. I always need something new and wonderful to be enveloped with. When I chose you, I got a constant stream of amazing adventures! 

I know I'm going to be extremely unstable sometimes. But just know that through it all, I chose you for a reason, and I love you with all my being. You are an amazing man, Future Husband, and I am one grateful, blessed, ecstatic, content and very very LOVED girl. Thank you for all of that. And thank you for being you.

Love,

Krystle

I want to be your best friend.

I find worth in being a confidant. In having a friend call me in the middle of the night to talk. I derive joy from knowing I am trusted and a safe place. My heart leaps when someone says "I find you easy to talk to." My heart is their home and all this self growth is my attempt at keeping our place tidy.

I say I am a good friend. I try to be. But there sure as the color blue (Why is the saying "sure as hell" not everyone even believes in hell so that's not a very certain thing to compare it to) Anyway, There are times I fail and become selfish. But, I REALLY try to do my best.

*segue*

There have been men in my life whom at one point I fancied. I thought they were dreamy and thought about the cute little family we'd have and the whitty amazing life we'd create. I'm a girl. We are silly like that.

These daydreams didn't come to reality, however something even more amazing happened. Something that I prefer to a fleeting romance. I became a best friend. We say "I Love You" and have a bond no one can break. And THAT brings this life purpose and Happiness.

Don't get me wrong. I still would like to have someone make their heart MY home and be MY confidant etc. And...well...sex would be nice to. But in looking back on the fake scenarios I created and compare that to the relationships I have formed since I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm going to try and focus on this knowing that, as one of my faves Ralph Waldo Emerson says, "A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature."

Stripping Down

There's this thing I struggle with. It's one of those last hurdles to pure contentment I face. Molly over at stratejoy posed this question the other day:

"Hey loves- question for YOU! What do you think it means to be brave in your own life?"

To which I replied:

"Being fully aware of my authentic self/worth and thus not being so quick to react to others with insecurity."

 

By this scale/definition. I have a long ways to go to  Brave Town. I am, however, bravely attacking those not so nice thoughts that would lead me to believe I am less than. I am quick to apologize when I react with defensiveness and anger. But being fully confident in who I am and not being outlandishly combative when my insides start to shake and I believe my character, opinions, personality etc. are in question has not been obtained as of yet.

 

A couple of years, most of you know. I doubted my faith. I became ill at my own automatic, stale terms of the relgion that I spewed on cue to anyone who dared question me. I was robotic in every Christian motion. It was like inside Krystle was calling my bluff, "Do you even really believe this stuff? I mean you don't even read your bible and you definitely don't feel anything when you regurgitate these words." After a summer spent with the most intellectual, God searching Christians I had met I headed down a road less traveled (by me). One where I didn't have to put on my "Armor" and Battle it out with anyone who believed differently than me. I found radiant release being able to talk to an Athiest about why they didn't believe and not feeling the need to Change their view or, even better, not being threatened by them. I shed it all. I became bare and, in that, I was no longer on the defense.

I worried, during this time, that it made me swayable. That I had lost that thing that defined me. What was I standing for anymore? But, after time, I realized I was putting my faith in the search. That being a seeker is what defines me. And that I stand for growth.

I really wish I could describe the inner bliss that came from shedding all those walls. It felt like flying. I am an intellectual creature. I don't adopt any point of view or belief instantly. I dwell and ponder. So to hear varying opinions on the subject of Faith did not in any way "brainwash" me, but rather, opened me up to a God that was even greater and more Loving than I had been open enough to realize before.

Now believe it or not, this post is not about Faith or Religion. It was just a needed backstory for my current musings.

And here they are...

I want that feeling forever. I want that feeling in my life daily. I want that confidence when talking about ALL THINGS.

As I wrote about .a couple weeks ago I have a hard time with my "but" and not interjecting my "feelings" and how I think you've wronged me instead of letting it go. Recently when someone said something to me, I felt the inner shakeys and the defensiveness rising and I thought "why do I do this." And I came to a conclusion.

Want to hear it?


I would hope so...you've already read this much.

I have concluded that I have infused armor on, always ready for battle. Just like I had been when I was Cookie-Cutter Krystle Christian. But I am not going to bat about faith anymore I am confident and unswayed in that aspect of my life. But instead, I "put em up" about EVERYTHING else. At least, every little thing that I percieve as a dig at my character, a disagreement to my choices, or a judgment against me. It does not always manifest outwardly. Sometimes its just this heart racing negative scenario I create in my mind. But sometimes (And by sometimes I mean most of the time) it comes out in a slightly raised voice and a re-itteration and clarification to the assumed judgement you are making.

Twice recently I have heard, "You interrupt me before I can even finish." Lift dagger, plunge in heart. This is not the woman I want to be. I'm supposed to be open-minded and understanding. Not closed off and judgemental. And yet, in certain situations, I am exactly those things. HURUMPH!

I have already come to terms with the fact that my mind is not to be trusted. That it's instinctive assumptions and negativity are not the final word in this life.

So it's time to strip down bare again. Time to stop holding onto all of my inner defenses about myself. I need to obtain that gorgeous freedom again and this time break down the wall of lies that say,  "just on the other side is an army waiting to attack." I already know it works. Confidence comes when you are able to open up to opinions and views about a subject you've always felt the need to protect. Take it in, experience it through their eyes, and only adopt what is truth.

Today I relinquish the reins. I put my confidence and faith in the search and know that growth is a definitive part of my character. I am not free of negative personality traits. I am not naive to think I will never yell and get defensive. Those things are normal. All people should stand up for what they believe. But you'll never know, truly, who you are until you take time to figure that out. And that's what I intend to do.

And to End this I would like to quote Miss Molly and Ask:

What do you think it means to be brave in YOUR life?!