I'm really tired Future Husband...

I'm sure this is the point where you think I'm going to say something like, "of waiting for you," or "of searching" etc. Sorry to disappoint, but it is not. I am actually just really tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I tossed and turned and couldn't turn my mind off. Sometimes, I like to think, it's because I don't have you to enwrap me in your arms at night. But then I remember I hate spooning when I'm actually sleeping, It's just not comfortable...sorry. But who knows, maybe when we find eachother and we spend that first night entangled and naked we will fit so perfectly together that laying on your chest will be better than any pillow I've ever encountered. Maybe, My Future...maybe.

I'm here with another little note because I think it's important, at times like these, when I'm groggy and a little moody to still say I Love You.

And to say...

That your sheer masculinity makes me weak in the knees at times. Seriously. I swoon when you don't shave and you resemble a mountain man who has had little access to civilization lately. I want to remove my clothes when your banter is whitty and your intellect is on display. Not in an inflated ego kind of way, but just those moments when you are just being you, all smart and stuff, and it makes me want to do sexy things with you. I love when you see me fading fast into that scary place of emotion mixed with insecurity, and with your strong hand, you gently brush the dishevled hair out of my face and kiss my forehead. Your heart makes mine grow a little every day. You are so amazing with our neices and nephews, my love, and I can't wait to see you with our kids one day. You follow your whims and spontaneity is an integral part of this crazy life we have going. Thank you for that. Thank you for making this ride worth it at every turn. I always need something new and wonderful to be enveloped with. When I chose you, I got a constant stream of amazing adventures! 

I know I'm going to be extremely unstable sometimes. But just know that through it all, I chose you for a reason, and I love you with all my being. You are an amazing man, Future Husband, and I am one grateful, blessed, ecstatic, content and very very LOVED girl. Thank you for all of that. And thank you for being you.

Love,

Krystle

I want to be your best friend.

I find worth in being a confidant. In having a friend call me in the middle of the night to talk. I derive joy from knowing I am trusted and a safe place. My heart leaps when someone says "I find you easy to talk to." My heart is their home and all this self growth is my attempt at keeping our place tidy.

I say I am a good friend. I try to be. But there sure as the color blue (Why is the saying "sure as hell" not everyone even believes in hell so that's not a very certain thing to compare it to) Anyway, There are times I fail and become selfish. But, I REALLY try to do my best.

*segue*

There have been men in my life whom at one point I fancied. I thought they were dreamy and thought about the cute little family we'd have and the whitty amazing life we'd create. I'm a girl. We are silly like that.

These daydreams didn't come to reality, however something even more amazing happened. Something that I prefer to a fleeting romance. I became a best friend. We say "I Love You" and have a bond no one can break. And THAT brings this life purpose and Happiness.

Don't get me wrong. I still would like to have someone make their heart MY home and be MY confidant etc. And...well...sex would be nice to. But in looking back on the fake scenarios I created and compare that to the relationships I have formed since I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm going to try and focus on this knowing that, as one of my faves Ralph Waldo Emerson says, "A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature."

Stripping Down

There's this thing I struggle with. It's one of those last hurdles to pure contentment I face. Molly over at stratejoy posed this question the other day:

"Hey loves- question for YOU! What do you think it means to be brave in your own life?"

To which I replied:

"Being fully aware of my authentic self/worth and thus not being so quick to react to others with insecurity."

 

By this scale/definition. I have a long ways to go to  Brave Town. I am, however, bravely attacking those not so nice thoughts that would lead me to believe I am less than. I am quick to apologize when I react with defensiveness and anger. But being fully confident in who I am and not being outlandishly combative when my insides start to shake and I believe my character, opinions, personality etc. are in question has not been obtained as of yet.

 

A couple of years, most of you know. I doubted my faith. I became ill at my own automatic, stale terms of the relgion that I spewed on cue to anyone who dared question me. I was robotic in every Christian motion. It was like inside Krystle was calling my bluff, "Do you even really believe this stuff? I mean you don't even read your bible and you definitely don't feel anything when you regurgitate these words." After a summer spent with the most intellectual, God searching Christians I had met I headed down a road less traveled (by me). One where I didn't have to put on my "Armor" and Battle it out with anyone who believed differently than me. I found radiant release being able to talk to an Athiest about why they didn't believe and not feeling the need to Change their view or, even better, not being threatened by them. I shed it all. I became bare and, in that, I was no longer on the defense.

I worried, during this time, that it made me swayable. That I had lost that thing that defined me. What was I standing for anymore? But, after time, I realized I was putting my faith in the search. That being a seeker is what defines me. And that I stand for growth.

I really wish I could describe the inner bliss that came from shedding all those walls. It felt like flying. I am an intellectual creature. I don't adopt any point of view or belief instantly. I dwell and ponder. So to hear varying opinions on the subject of Faith did not in any way "brainwash" me, but rather, opened me up to a God that was even greater and more Loving than I had been open enough to realize before.

Now believe it or not, this post is not about Faith or Religion. It was just a needed backstory for my current musings.

And here they are...

I want that feeling forever. I want that feeling in my life daily. I want that confidence when talking about ALL THINGS.

As I wrote about .a couple weeks ago I have a hard time with my "but" and not interjecting my "feelings" and how I think you've wronged me instead of letting it go. Recently when someone said something to me, I felt the inner shakeys and the defensiveness rising and I thought "why do I do this." And I came to a conclusion.

Want to hear it?


I would hope so...you've already read this much.

I have concluded that I have infused armor on, always ready for battle. Just like I had been when I was Cookie-Cutter Krystle Christian. But I am not going to bat about faith anymore I am confident and unswayed in that aspect of my life. But instead, I "put em up" about EVERYTHING else. At least, every little thing that I percieve as a dig at my character, a disagreement to my choices, or a judgment against me. It does not always manifest outwardly. Sometimes its just this heart racing negative scenario I create in my mind. But sometimes (And by sometimes I mean most of the time) it comes out in a slightly raised voice and a re-itteration and clarification to the assumed judgement you are making.

Twice recently I have heard, "You interrupt me before I can even finish." Lift dagger, plunge in heart. This is not the woman I want to be. I'm supposed to be open-minded and understanding. Not closed off and judgemental. And yet, in certain situations, I am exactly those things. HURUMPH!

I have already come to terms with the fact that my mind is not to be trusted. That it's instinctive assumptions and negativity are not the final word in this life.

So it's time to strip down bare again. Time to stop holding onto all of my inner defenses about myself. I need to obtain that gorgeous freedom again and this time break down the wall of lies that say,  "just on the other side is an army waiting to attack." I already know it works. Confidence comes when you are able to open up to opinions and views about a subject you've always felt the need to protect. Take it in, experience it through their eyes, and only adopt what is truth.

Today I relinquish the reins. I put my confidence and faith in the search and know that growth is a definitive part of my character. I am not free of negative personality traits. I am not naive to think I will never yell and get defensive. Those things are normal. All people should stand up for what they believe. But you'll never know, truly, who you are until you take time to figure that out. And that's what I intend to do.

And to End this I would like to quote Miss Molly and Ask:

What do you think it means to be brave in YOUR life?!

Someone Special to Me: My Soul Sister

 (Why am I strangling her? I don't really Know)

Habibti (Arabic): Said to a woman who is a beloved friend

The first time I heard this phrase was at a church camp. It was explained to me as someone who is a peice of you. A friend who completes you and is attached to your heart in unexplainable ways.

That is what MIss Kathleen Mounts is to me.

She is not only my best friend, she is a person who speaks to my heart and knows my soul better than anyone I have ever met. When you get to a certain age you think I have made all of my closest friends. I may meet new people but they will not attach themselves to my heart in the ways that my dearest friends have already. Silly me for thinking that. Because this woman was a God sent.

It's a funny story actually. We were set up on a blind friend date. Our mutual friend called me to say Kathleen was moving to town and wondered if I would be interested in hanging out with her. I said "OF COURSE!" and a time was soon scheduled. We saw RENT the broadway show in the theatre and ate at Rubios. She was so sweet and wonderful and I knew right from the start we would be great friends. And it only took a couple weeks to know our friendship was going to be unlike any other I had ever had.

Kathleen is amazing. Really, words cannot describe just how special this woman is. I'm going to write this a little differently. I'm going to talk about the amazing things she has said to me that make me love her so much. And through this, I am sure, you will love her too.

One night after hours of talking about Love and what it means. She said something along the lines of, "If someone murdered my family I'd like to think that I could look past their crime and Love the person they are." Basically saying that one action does not define a persons whole life. And that God loves people despite their flaws. That she would like to love that way. And in turn, I TOO wanted to Love that way. (Sidenote: We both said that this would be one of the hardest things to do ever. We aren't saints or anything) Her heart is so Lovely and beautiful and it brings me to tears sometimes.

We were walking along and there was a weed that had grown through the cracks of the stucco and cement in the wall/ceiling. She said, "I Love that. I love that the power of nature will always overcome man-made things." I mean, seriously. This woman finds beauty in the darkest places. Weeds that others would find as an annoyance she sees as the vast power of God's creation. Things no one else would give a second thought, she ponders and finds worth in. Her mind is full of wealth and goodness for the things that truly matter in this world and I am honored to be a part of her musings.

And just this afternoon when describing a perfect day with her love, it included things like Volunteering and reading and napping and making cookies. She finds bliss in the ordinary. Not ordinary as to say mundane and not worthy, but rather to say that those are the things that make this life full and amazing. I've lived a life wanting to to grand things to be the center of attention and have lots of friends. And she has lived this life taking pleasure in the little things and she has done far more in acheiving bliss and happiness.  

Kathleen, You are my best friend. Your presence in my life has been nothing short of Magnificent. You inspire me EVERY TIME I see you or talk to you or get a text from you. You are so smart and have a way with words that leaves me in awe at times. You never lash out. You share my emotional instability but manage to hone in on how to express it in a sane way :) I cry just talking about how much I miss you sometimes. Your intuition into me is unmatched and you have always been an amazing encourager. I'm not sure how I ever lived this life without you in it, I honestly mean that. To know that someone will understand exactly how I feel and even help me make sense out of it in logical but understanding ways is a gift not a lot of people have the oppotunity to experience. And I have YOU!

I promise I will try to be even a fraction of the friend to you that you are to me. That's a tall order because of how ridiculously amazing you are, but I'm giving it my all just hoping it will serve you well. You are my heart and I LOVE YOU more than words can ever describe. You deserve everything, EVER and I'm blessed beyond measure that God had our paths merge and I get to spend the rest of this life with you in it.

Love,

Krystle

P.S. SHE JUST GOT ENGAGED!!!!!



Dear Future Husband

So a few weeks ago I read my first "Future Wife" Post by Mr. Peter DeWolf. My heart was full after reading it. Truly it was Pure Loveliness. I first found this young gent because I followed his cute as a button girlfriend, Ashley when she was a Season 5 blogger for Stratejoy. After my last post I thought. "I should write a future spouse blog" THEN Mr. Dewolf issued a Challenge and I knew I had to accept! 

Dear Future Husband,

It took me a long time to get to you. I used to think that it was taking forever for you to find me. I would curse the fates for making me wait. Shake my fist at the heavens for not letting my fairy tale start. But you know what? It's me that took so long...

I had to go through this crazy life alone to find out how to be amazing with someone else. If you had come any sooner, it wouldn't have worked. So now I bow to the heavens in graciousness because, like always, they knew I needed a little more refining.

So here I am.

Im ready to Love you more than myself.

Im ready to get up early to make you coffee and breakfast before work. (which means alot, I hate getting up early)

Im ready to hold your hand when we drive 

Im ready to drive ALL OVER. 

Im ready to go on so many adventure with you. 

Im ready to bring you ginger ale when you are sick and I won't even be grossed out when you lay your feverish head on my lap

Im ready to be cool hip older parents. The kind that lived a life on their own before settling down so all they have is fun and excitement to impart to their kids. 

Im ready to take 1 day a month to just spend the whole day locked away somewhere, just the two of us. Snuggling, making out, having sex, watching movies. sleeping...whatever

I promise to never belittle you. 

I promise to bite my tongue and think before I speak.

I promise to *try* and only unleash my crazy once a month.

I promise to respect everything about you.

I promise to resolve arguments with understanding.

I promise to trust you. And trust IN you. knowing your character and never questioning your goodness and love for me.

I promise you will be the only man in my heart (unless we have a son) But you will definitely be the only man in my pants :) 

I promise to love your family just as much as my own. 

I promise to be honest with you. 

I promise to cut-back on masked expectations and veiled replies. When I say "What?" it will be because I really didn't hear you, not because I'm just really upset with what you just said. 

 I promise to love you forever. 

Up until now I was unable to seriously promise these things. I had so many hurdles to overcome. But now Im ready. I want to be everything you need. And this list is just the beginning. I'm going to keep working on it and there will be more letters. I promise. :)

I Won't Give Up

"'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"

Love is hard.

Really Really hard.

INCREDIBLY HARD!

Are you getting it? Cause I can say it again...LOVE IS SO HARD!

Love takes you from this place of self-absorbed bliss. A Habitat of sole decision maker on movie night and messy dwellings. To a new land where your considerations need to be considerate and kindness trumps expectations.

There has been an uprising of this topic in my life lately. Not so much finding it hard to love someone, but just how much it takes to be successful at keeping a relationship going.

As I wrote in my last post, I find it hard to deny that urge to say what's on my mind and how I feel about things. Choosing my battles is not my strong suit. I tend to choose them all. (I should say I Tend-ed...I am improving)

I think there is nothing more beautiful and Heart Tuggingly Poignant than a Love that has been fought for. Not like a duel for the fair maiden's honor. But a Love where both people act as partners. Struggle through learning eachother. Digging in and holding steady when the circumstances beg to tear them apart. Bite their tongues when their partner drives too slow, doesn't take out the trash, leaves the dishes for the next day...

I really think that up until now I have been very happy to be selfish. Reveled in my ability to stay out as late as I want. Drive as fast as I want. Not have to answer to anyone. And all around have the time of my life.

I don't work very hard at much. It's one of my 1,001 issues to deal with. I even wrote a blog about my lack of stick-to-it-iveness. No matter how much I may think I want to do something it will most likely fall by the wayside. I will visit it from time to time. But Master it, I will not.

There is one exception to this. That exception is Self-Growth. I will pain-stakingly mold and bend. I will be refined over and over. The end goal being: to be someone better than who I was before. The rule I follow in this process is to rid myself of anything that is hurtful to others or myself. This includes things like jealousy, greed, insecurity, & selfishness. It does not include things like my ability to couch surf all day long or talk your ear off about the boy I like. Those things don't hurt you. They may annoy you, but loving me means loving all of me.

In short, I am ready. I am ready to take this learning and these growth spurts and put them to good use. To fight for something worthy. I want to struggle in Love. I want to bite my tongue and dig my heels in. I want to forego sleep and give everything I have to a child. I want to look back on a long rocky road full of pit-falls and flat tires and feel blessed to have come so far with the person I chose to experience it all with.

I'm not sure if this is in the cards for me. I'm not being woe is me or maudlin. Just not sure what this life has in store. I may roam this life powerfully solitary, and I'm ok with that.

But just in case, Future, I'm excited to fight with you. I look forward to Learning how you feel most loved. I'm ready to resolve issues with kisses and hold hands in the middle of the night, fatigued while we rock our twins to sleep (they run in my family...sorry did I fail to mention that) I can't wait to know you so well that I know exactly what buttons to push. And I can't wait to be silver haired and perpetually blissful because we have gone through the thick of it and conquered it all.

Til then, I'll just keep growing.

Getting rid of my "But"

I try really really hard to be a good person. I try to be loving and kind and giving and as patient as possible. And to constantly grow and learn to improve these skill sets. Because, in my opinion, they are skill sets. We are not born these ways. It takes rearing and learnin' to achieve them.

And every once in a while I realize, "Krystle, Here's a place that can use some improving."

I realized a while ago I have a problem with, "but". I'm sorry...But. I understand...But. I Love you...But. Etc....But.

A couple years ago I felt I had conquered the Apology "But". However, <-- see what I did there? ;) It was just the beginning of this war between Me (selfishness) and Unconditional giving. You see there is this crazy need to make my point known. It starts in my gut and heightens in intensity when it gets to my heart. My mind then tells my frantic heart that it better say something, because it doesn't want to get all trampled on and used. "If you don't say how you FEEL about this, they are just going to walk all over you in the future. You better make it known that they need to understand you and where you are coming from. You can say you get their point of view..." *verbal blurt* BUT...!

It's like I'm doing myself some disservice if I don't attach the "But" in there. I am fully aware that this is a selfish way of thinking/acting. It doesn't feel this way in the moment, though. It feels more like self preservation. When it's all said and done and I go back and re-think it all (because I'm a woman and that's what I do) I am never happier because I threw my opposing and negating point in there.

That last sentence really sums it up. It is not a genuine apology if you must throw what they did at them. It negates your understanding if you then say you see it differently. And it belittles the Love you are trying to show if you make someone feel that they need to do something better to earn it.

So, I have learned today that I need to get rid of my "but". This feeling is a hard one to ignore in the moment, BUT it needs to be. I'm not saying I'm not going to give my opinions and be who I am. It's just in certain instances You learn that everyone is different. It doesn't matter whether you feel/think/act differently than them. They exist to do what they feel/think/act and no amount of "But-ing" is going to change that. You just have to go about existing the way you do and strive for harmony and Love regardless.

Choking down that tear enducing Feeling of injustice to myself is going to be VERY VERY HARD. It needs to be done though. Because I want the people in my life to be free of guilt and shame and know fully that I love them.