I've always wanted to be the best version of myself. What motivated that may have been a bit misguided at times. Most of the time it was in an effort to be likable and make friends. Having little to do with my own well being. However, since I hit adolescence and even a bit before I've always had this other driving force. It may be that it is engrained in all women, but I'm not quite sure. I have wanted to be the best MOTHER I could possibly be. At 14 you could find me reading parenting magazines and rushing home from school to watch Oprah. I grasped very early on that children inherit what their parents teach, but more importantly what they do. I was painfully shy and knew I wouldn't want my kids to live with the burden of insecurity, so I changed it (kind of) In every moment I make plans for the future children I may have someday. I scrutinize every man I'm with. Every bad habit and every loss of temper. I say "No no no, this won't work. I can't raise kids like this"
Lately I've been extremely judgmental. I get harshly angry at people who take having children so lightly. "No big deal, lets make a person and teach them all our bad habits and pollute this earth with bigotry and judgmentalism. It'll stroke my ego to have a little me that people fawn over." That is what I believe their internal dialogue sounds like.
I sit here day in and day out thinking about how I couldn't possibly bring a child into this world. I have so many flaws. I'm painfully self damaging and have a hard time standing up for myself. I have a guilty nature and always feel at fault. I lose my temper regularly. I use guilt on others to get my way. I don't know how to resolve conflict without conflict. I'm stubborn and unforgiving. AND I don't like doing laundry or household chores...or getting up early.
So I wonder why so many people on this planet take it so lightly. Why do others find it so easy to make that decision?
I know that you are never really ready, and there is no perfect human. Flaws make us beautiful. I just don't want my children to hurt the way I do. I don't want to pass my wounds to them. I don't want them to cry alone at night because they can't speak their mind and they believe every single person will eventually hurt them...on purpose. These are things I WILL pass on unless I fix them, and though I am trying I'm just not sure when I'll be free of them. So the truth is, I'm not angry at these people for having kids without the worry, I'm jealous. I wish I could just jump and believe I would be a great mother.
There was a glimmer of hope though. The other day a friend posted a beautiful picture of her and her son. He was smiling so big at her and she was glowing with love, and in that moment I knew if nothing else I would be WONDERFUL at LOVING my children.
So I'm sorry to those I've judged, I'm in awe of your willingness to take on one of life's most important roles.
I've had great examples in my life, especially when it comes to love. The picture at the top is of my sister and my freaking adorable niece. Her mama loves her a lot! :)
Encouragement nice, I could use some myself, but I'll end with this. You are all Goddesses and one day I hope to join your ranks.
Krystle
