Falling with Precision

I have always thought of falling in love as this out-of-control descent. One where you lose all sensibility and to quote Lorelai Gilmore, "It all comes out in stupid."

I thought I was in-love before. And I did exhibit these traits. I lost my sense of self in the process. EVERY TIME. My sole happiness was in this person. I would imagine the fictional life we would create together, which was never based in reality. i.e.

"We are going to have a bunch of kids and be like the Von Trapp family. Music will fill our home."

I told myself this about my best friend...Who is a GAY.

 OR

"We are going to have a white picket fence and get married and have a life of adventure."

That lie was about my much younger boyfriend who cringed at the thought of marriage and spontaneity stressed him out.

AND

"I should start looking for jobs in the bay area to be near him"

My highschool boyfriend who made it very clear that this reunion we were involved in was casual and did not constitute a relationship.

I was in such desperate need for joy and an escape from my humdrum life that I imagined these scenarios in hopes that I would be whisked away to a life unlike mine. Filled with contentment and everything my heart desired.

Then one day, about a year ago, I realized I needed to make my life exactly what I wanted. I needed to wake up each morning happy with the life I was creating. One where I wouldn't need an escape anymore, but rather, a man who simply added to the already happy life I was living.

And that was approximately the time this blog started. It was the start of a life changing, Happiness capturing, Joy permeating journey. I started learning how wonderful this life is. How amazing I really have it. What a gift it is to be loved so much and to be able to share my love in return. I found, and am finding, what my strengths are and feeling all kinds of fulfilled when I am actively using them. I AM WHOLE!

I don't need a "better" half. Or someone to complete me.

So as I sit here...falling. I liken it more to a bungee jumper, or a hang glider. There is the danger of getting hurt. And this is the biggest thrill I have ever experienced. I'm not asking the million questions I usually do and I'm not being hyper-analytic. So I'm losing my sensibilities in that way, but my life is beautiful and I am tethered to it. My identity is not found in another but in the world I have built up around me. I'd like for him to be a part of that. A BIG part of that. I'd like for him to take the pen and write some of it too.

But that's getting ahead of myself. And I am, for once, perfectly content in the now. Knowing that falling will not cause me to fall apart if this ends in a broken landing.

Make Someone Happy

"...Make just one someone happy;

Make just one heart the heart you sing to.

One smile that cheers you,

One face that lights when it nears you"

 

This past weekend I was blessed and honored to share in one of the most important days in my best friend's life. She got married to someone who handles her heart with care. Who lifts her up and makes her feel supported. Someone whose love for her is so apparent even from 200 miles away. And someone who makes her happy.

 

There were lots of babies at this wedding. Her nephew was one of them. He is quite adorable, that one.  As we were prepping the favors he was the center of attention. As most babies are in a room full of women. And I noticed one clear directive from everyone...to make him smile. Whether it was by a tickle or a game of peek-a-boo, a funny voice or an "airplane" ride. All we wanted was to hear his laugh.

 

I came to the conclusion that this is one of the most basic forms of love communication. To see another smile. However as life goes on and people age, the urgency in our efforts to make this so diminish. We get wrapped up in our own lives we no longer see a new human and want to do something to make them laugh. At least, I'd say, a good majority of people.

 

It is the people in this world who still do this, who aren't afraid to look silly and desire to work for a smile, that I am most enthralled by. They have held on to something that we can only tap into when children are around, and for some, not even then. These people do not neccesarily have to be comedians. They can simply be a kind heart who offers a smile and genuine friendly candor, or a constant stream of encouragement. But they are all open and desire joy in another.

 

Lets remember this when talking to grown-up humans. I'm pretty certain that they enjoy smiling as much as babies do and it makes you feel good to make someone happy. As the song says:

 

"Make someone happy,

Make just one someone happy,

And you will be happy, too."

Sometimes...

Sometimes...Your best friend is getting married.

You experienced a love story unfold in front of you. You got to be there when those first emails made her giggle. She would call you when her girlish ways would make her doubt her sanity (as it does for us all) She would move to be near him and you would wonder if that was a good idea. You would swallow your doubts when she gushed about the delicate way he handles her heart. And you would know she was gonna spend the rest of her life with him it was just a matter of time. And then it happens. And you spend the last 3 months in a Crazy Beautiful, Busy Poor, & Lovely Stressed state for her big day...Sometimes

Sometimes...You don't want to fall in love.

Despite the love you've witnessed the aches you experienced make you want to stay single. You know it's easy here. No one to answer to. You spend months being solidly solitary. Bravely by yourself. Heroicly healing. You are positive that the reason you want to be alone has to do with not being hurt. But then...

Sometimes...You just don't want to hurt someone else

You learn that the reason you want to be alone has less to do with a gaurd against others but protecting them from you. You are afraid that if you love again that horrible version of you will resurface. You do not like her. You rather loathe her. She lives in a world of expectation and cries a lot. Her daggered tongue is so uncomfortable in your mouth & biting it hurts two-fold. You know she has been put away, but you are still afraid of her reach...sometimes.

Sometimes...You don't want to get out of the car

You think about her and how you don't want to fall in love. You are convinced it will only end badly. If banter is clever and interest is piqued you may lose the control you've sustained. Intellect is a boulder next to a deep ravine that you will surely trip on. You may be irresistible and whitty. You may not feel the same. You may have to let someone down. You don't like the idea of that. You contemplate leaving. People do it all the time. "My car wouldn't start", "I'm not feeling well." The excuses flood in as you stare at the tree in front of you. You force yourself out of the car...sometimes.

Sometimes...Everything changes

Or doesn't. Or seems to have. Or you aren't sure but you like it for now. In a week your best friend will be married. A week ago your gaurd was disarmed. Who knows what 2 weeks from now will bring, but life is always everything...sometimes.

I Love our banter Future Husband

Hi Handsome.

I love that you play along. When I offer that Pokey is a distinguished gentleman, you add on that we need to get him a top hat as soon as possible. And then we start trying out what we think he would sound like if he could really talk.

At first it starts out British. Because when we think distinguished we think Brit's. You say something like, "I would  be much obliged, Sir, if you would kindly escort me to the garden. As I have some business to attend to there." We laugh and then I kiss you because you are SO cute when you try to do accents.

I continue that maybe he speaks with a more Southern dialect. Like a classy plantation owner. "I do say, young man, that there leash aint gonna walk itself. How's about we take a stroll around. See what kind of trouble we can get into."

"But one that wasn't mean. He didn't have slaves. He would never do something like that. He treated all his workers equally," you would say. And I would, of course, agree. Pokey is too kind for that.

Except not really, He is a ferocious little pup. But that doesn't matter because we are having too much fun finishing eachother's thoughts and writing a joint story.

I love creating a world with you. In fiction and in real life.

We look over at Pokey and he is deep in the throws of passionate love with that pillow we keep meaning to throw away. We laugh. So much for the distinguished gentleman.

"Maybe a Porn Star," you say

"No, you'd be such a stage dad," I reply

You look at me with a still smile. One that says, "I couldn't be more content in this moment. You are adorable and make me laugh. And all I want to do kiss you a million times." And even though I read that from your smile, I smile back and ask "What?" You say, "Nothing." And then you kiss me.

Don't talk about it, Be about it

Ralphy Boy here is one of my absolute faves. His words always seem to resonate in all the corners of my being. I quote him often and say things like, "He's my fave," all the time. Sadly though, I have yet to read a whole work of his. I don't own one book by him. I know quotes. As far as my knowledge goes though the context could be crazy off. That quote could continue on to say, "...So stop theorizing about punching babies and just do it."

I realized after my last post that I talk and think a lot of things. And to some, including myself, reading about how someone should be living their life and not ever reading how she has actually implemented these things could be repetitive and not so much fun to read about. Granted, if by some miracle my realizations inspire others to take action, I could count this blog a win. However, what is an inspirer or a life lived soley in your mind?

I used to utterly loathe the term, "Actions speak louder than words." An Ex friend would say it ALL THE TIME. She would use it to prove herself right in situations. Stating that my words meant nothing. I would argue that my words reflect my heart and though I was working on changing it didn't mean that the words were void. WORDS ARE MY LIFE (to quote Never Been Kissed)

I have come to believe that neither words nor actions alone can prove a heart's desire or life's passion. It is the combined effort of both that create a fully intentional life.

So it's time I DO. BE the version of myself in my head. I don't have to travel to Africa to help people in need. I don't have to travel to be cultured. I don't have to move to New York and make cozy with the hip underground thespians to start acting again.

And most importantly I will never find community in other places until I find it right here. I say I want to live in harmony and be all hippie beatnik-y but the truth is I don't play well with others. Sure I'm a great friend. I will be there for you and listen and tell you how amazing you are. BUT bother me when I'm sleeping or have the audacity to be home with all the lights on when all I want to do is go to sleep and I'm all kinds of annoyed. This is not comprimise. This is not harmonious living. I'm rather Bitchy, guys. Seriously.

My point is this. I keep this picturesque life in my head perhaps because owning that I could live it out right here, right now, would mean giving up selfishness. Releasing control. And erasing ideals.

So to force my life into reality (Other than being in Love with Norman Reedus, that will be a constant. That man does something to me) I am vowing to have at least 2 action blogs a month. Recounting an action I've taken to live my best life. This will be both affirming and show me the progess I've made.

I'd love to hear what actions you've taken to be fully present and achiev-y in YOUR life! Did you take time to be grateful? Pay your bills even though you didn't want to? Eat a Salad instead of a Burger? Everything counts People! And I am quite good at encouragement so share away and let me praise your efforts!

If you want to know why sharing is good and why having me say how awesome you are is good for you read Eleni's Post  from today!