I'm Sorry I Never let You Save Us

I started to drown in my sorrows and then I realized the life raft had been thrown our way a while ago. But at that time All I did was cling to you. Bringing you down. Forcing YOU to be submerged.

You were the one with the raft. You offered safe passage for us both. You wanted that. You deserved that. Instead I clawed at the idea of a life that was different. I had grown comfortable with the struggle. If we climbed in that boat we may lose what we had. Every wave we faced together. Not hand in hand, No, I bore the storms with you as my shield. And you let me. You wanted my safety, my affection and my approval. We survived due to your selfless sacrifices to the sea.

The water was calm and your legs were tired of treading. You had grown so strong and so full of worth. You knew that land was near and you didn't want to face another stormy ocean night. You offered me your hand to swim ashore. I loved that hand. Those hands. That vessel that had kept me safe and cared for me. But the shoreline beckoned independence. The Beach promised self sufficiency and space. Each to his own side. Each to her own place. The waves began to rock and I clutched your hand pulling you back out to the deep.

This time, you let go.

You swam with so much virility. Never looking back.

I howled at the sunset. I thrashed about reaching for you. Believing my cry would force your return. I saw you, small but powerful in the distance, stand up out of the water. You glanced back at me for just moment. Just enough to let me know that you knew I could make it there too. The darkness fell and my arms grew tired. My wail had weakened to a whimper and I felt myself slipping under.

As the sun rose I floated atop the glassy sea. Too crippled to move. I turned my head and saw the shore closer than it had ever seemed before. A wave of another kind swept over my feeble body urging its movement. Pushing me towards the place I feared. My weakness shed from me with every stroke of the water. I stood with strength at the shoreline. Just as you had. Knowledge of my worth was apparent now. You were not my savior. You were my guide. Your absence moved me to move myself. Still I longed for your hand. No, I longed to give you mine. To hold each other. No longer, one above and one below, One Floating and One drowning. Instead, walking side by side.

Into the future.

What to expect...when you're not expecting.

I've always wanted to be the best version of myself. What motivated that may have been a bit misguided at times. Most of the time it was in an effort to be likable and make friends. Having little to do with my own well being. However, since I hit adolescence and even a bit before I've always had this other driving force. It may be that it is engrained in all women, but I'm not quite sure. I have wanted to be the best MOTHER I could possibly be. At 14 you could find me reading parenting magazines and rushing home from school to watch Oprah. I grasped very early on that children inherit what their parents teach, but more importantly what they do. I was painfully shy and knew I wouldn't want my kids to live with the burden of insecurity, so I changed it (kind of) In every moment I make plans for the future children I may have someday. I scrutinize every man I'm with. Every bad habit and every loss of temper. I say "No no no, this won't work. I can't raise kids like this"

Lately I've been extremely judgmental. I get harshly angry at people who take having children so lightly. "No big deal, lets make a person and teach them all our bad habits and pollute this earth with bigotry and judgmentalism. It'll stroke my ego to have a little me that people fawn over." That is what I believe their internal dialogue sounds like.

I sit here day in and day out thinking about how I couldn't possibly bring a child into this world. I have so many flaws. I'm painfully self damaging and have a hard time standing up for myself. I have a guilty nature and always feel at fault. I lose my temper regularly. I use guilt on others to get my way. I don't know how to resolve conflict without conflict. I'm stubborn and unforgiving. AND I don't like doing laundry or household chores...or getting up early.

So I wonder why so many people on this planet take it so lightly. Why do others find it so easy to make that decision?

I know that you are never really ready, and there is no perfect human. Flaws make us beautiful. I just don't want my children to hurt the way I do. I don't want to pass my wounds to them. I don't want them to cry alone at night because they can't speak their mind and they believe every single person will eventually hurt them...on purpose. These are things I WILL pass on unless I fix them, and though I am trying I'm just not sure when I'll be free of them. So the truth is, I'm not angry at these people for having kids without the worry, I'm jealous. I wish I could just jump and believe I would be a great mother.

There was a glimmer of hope though. The other day a friend posted a beautiful picture of her and her son. He was smiling so big at her and she was glowing with love, and in that moment I knew if nothing else I would be WONDERFUL at LOVING my children.

So I'm sorry to those I've judged, I'm in awe of your willingness to take on one of life's most important roles.

I've had great examples in my life, especially when it comes to love. The picture at the top is of my sister and my freaking adorable niece. Her mama loves her a lot! :)

Encouragement nice, I could use some myself, but I'll end with this. You are all Goddesses and one day I hope to join your ranks.

Krystle