Thursday, December 20, 2012

20 ways to stay YOU when in a relationship. (I'm still learning)


So the boy and I have moved at rapid paces. Space/Time continuums and sound barriers have been broken and shaken and the world has "flipped turned upside down." Love is crazy cool, but keeping balance is neccessary as well. So here I am with a few tips on how to stay sane and whole when a whirlwind sweeps you off your feet.

1. Go out with your girlies as often as possible (And not just when he is busy playing video games)

2. Get dolled up (Just cause you landed a guy doesn't mean you should stop feeling frilly and pretty)

3. Watch all the movies and veg out as much as you want. (He doesn't have to join you. cuddles would be nice but are not mandatory)

4. Being bratty doesn't get your way but being confident and taking action does.

5. READ MORE. Expand your mind.

6. Keep focus on those BIG things you had in mind before he walked in. (CASA volunteering, Travelling, Saving the world etc.)

7. Balance interests. Don't take up all his activities and never ask him to share in your funs.

8. Sing as loud as possible as often as possible.

9. Dance parties are imperative to a healthy life. (It's science)

10. Smile more than you frown. (The prettiest girls are happy girls)

11. It's ok to get upset though. We have feelings. Dudes need to deal.

12. Wear Red Lipstick (And make him kiss you)

13. Wear heels (Even if it means being taller than him)

14. Keep planning your ideal future. If he is "the one"(which I don't believe in) he'll fit there. You won't have to change your dreams to suit him.

15. Read your blog from when you turned 30(or any list of goals). Do more of that!

16. Love him for who he is. (Not who you think he can be or who you want him to be)

17. If you find #16 hard. Let him find someone who can love him that way. You'll both be unhappy if you don't.

18. Love yourself for who you are. When/If you have disagreements don't crumble. Know that the same goes for him. If he doesn't love you just as you are someone else will. No hard feelings, just truth.

19. Be grateful. Tell him.

20. Wake up every morning and smile. Then continue the day doing more things to keep that smile there. Those things...they are what make you, You. So just keep doing them :)

**Sidenote**
My fella is amazing. Loving him is easy and I don't ever feel like I need to change. 16-18 were from past experiences :)

Thursday, December 13, 2012

An open letter to those who love me. (And who care to read)


"Jump. Leap. Embrace. Experience. Feel. Hope. Relinquish. Forgive. Love!"

For the past year I have yearned for a life of adventure. I have molted. I have shed insecurities and gained strength. I have become more self aware. I have learned to Love better. I have not lost myself. I have not become easily swayed. I have not lost intention.

With this new person I am forming I have chosen a path that is exciting and new. Doubt isn't allowed here. Critical thinking is a constant but it is coupled with loving kindness.

For once in my entire life I am jumping in. Embracing what will come. Experiencing something I deserve. Allowing myself to feel all the giddy, girlish, happy, lovely, sweet, wonderful feelings. Letting hope fill the air and permeate my home. I am relinquishing all fear and breaking the walls. I am forgiving the past and only looking forward to the future. And I am absolutely and completely in-LOVE

Life is this crazy mix of wonder and hurt. Both are inevitable. But to guard against either one and not allow them their due course in your life is to deprive oneself.

I am learning to embrace it all. Heartbreak from lost friends. Hugs from my neices and nephews. Inflicted Guilt. A first Kiss. A text from a friend that makes me smile. Misunderstandings that lead to tears. ALL OF IT!

I do not go into any of it with a notion that life will be perfect or that it will be easy. I am simply embracing the option to open myself up. Completely.

I am starting a new journey. It is weird and fast and splendidly amazing. I love those who love me but want you to know I will be ok. I am strong and wise and can get through a lot. Especially because I have people like you who care so much.

But I beg of you to trust me. Know that I do not enter into anything without thinking. Thinking is what I do. But along with that is a heart of whimsy. An adventureous spirit and a longing for a story to tell. I am writing my story and this chapter is going to be fantastical, I promise.

"...Living is Grand."

Friday, December 7, 2012

Searching for Validiity

I do this thing where I get upset. It's a normal occurence, right. I mean we all have feelings and emotions and expectations. We all exist differently and when two worlds collide there is bound to be a little bit of uncomfort sometimes. I know all this, and yet...

I NEVER FEEL VALID WHEN I GET UPSET.

EVER!

I always feel like I'm being silly or "crazy" or ridiculous. That my emotions and brain have done it again. Gone against me to make yet another person think, "Maybe (so and so) was right.." and "I'm outta here"

I've learned to infuse logic into my life. To talk myself down off emotional ledges. However when you've had 2 people that knew you more than anyone else in the world walk away because you (and your emotions) made them miserable, you tend to not trust those wacky things with the fervor you once knew.

I have issues, man. Serious, Deep-rooted ones. We all do, I know.

Right now, living with intention is helping me through this. Helping me know when what I'm feeling is valid. But it is definitely not easy. In the deep caverns of my mind, saying how I feel equates to people leaving.

So I am doing ok. I am implementing the things I write about here (ACTION BLOG WHAT UP?!!) But sometimes when I'm sick and pms-ing and miscommunication happens, I fall asleep crying.

However, I wake up the next day and instead of moping or perseverating, I decide that I am entitled to what I felt but that it is a new day. One where I realize where I went wrong but don't take all the guilt.

If you always feel invalid and take on blame you are left with an empty shell, becaues you just keep bending and giving and having lumpy rugs with lots of stuff underneath. So I am not doing it. I am not vomiting emotion, but not sweeping it away when it is important either.

Sometimes I learn. Sometimes I find validity in myself. Working on making that all the times.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Falling with Precision


I have always thought of falling in love as this out-of-control descent. One where you lose all sensibility and to quote Lorelai Gilmore, "It all comes out in stupid."

I thought I was in-love before. And I did exhibit these traits. I lost my sense of self in the process. EVERY TIME. My sole happiness was in this person. I would imagine the fictional life we would create together, which was never based in reality. i.e.

"We are going to have a bunch of kids and be like the Von Trapp family. Music will fill our home."
I told myself this about my best friend...Who is a GAY.
 OR
"We are going to have a white picket fence and get married and have a life of adventure."
That lie was about my much younger boyfriend who cringed at the thought of marriage and spontaneity stressed him out.
AND
"I should start looking for jobs in the bay area to be near him"
My highschool boyfriend who made it very clear that this reunion we were involved in was casual and did not constitute a relationship.

I was in such desperate need for joy and an escape from my humdrum life that I imagined these scenarios in hopes that I would be whisked away to a life unlike mine. Filled with contentment and everything my heart desired.

Then one day, about a year ago, I realized I needed to make my life exactly what I wanted. I needed to wake up each morning happy with the life I was creating. One where I wouldn't need an escape anymore, but rather, a man who simply added to the already happy life I was living.

And that was approximately the time this blog started. It was the start of a life changing, Happiness capturing, Joy permeating journey. I started learning how wonderful this life is. How amazing I really have it. What a gift it is to be loved so much and to be able to share my love in return. I found, and am finding, what my strengths are and feeling all kinds of fulfilled when I am actively using them. I AM WHOLE!

I don't need a "better" half. Or someone to complete me.

So as I sit here...falling. I liken it more to a bungee jumper, or a hang glider. There is the danger of getting hurt. And this is the biggest thrill I have ever experienced. I'm not asking the million questions I usually do and I'm not being hyper-analytic. So I'm losing my sensibilities in that way, but my life is beautiful and I am tethered to it. My identity is not found in another but in the world I have built up around me. I'd like for him to be a part of that. A BIG part of that. I'd like for him to take the pen and write some of it too.

But that's getting ahead of myself. And I am, for once, perfectly content in the now. Knowing that falling will not cause me to fall apart if this ends in a broken landing.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Make Someone Happy


"...Make just one someone happy;

Make just one heart the heart you sing to.

One smile that cheers you,

One face that lights when it nears you"
 
This past weekend I was blessed and honored to share in one of the most important days in my best friend's life. She got married to someone who handles her heart with care. Who lifts her up and makes her feel supported. Someone whose love for her is so apparent even from 200 miles away. And someone who makes her happy.
 
There were lots of babies at this wedding. Her nephew was one of them. He is quite adorable, that one.  As we were prepping the favors he was the center of attention. As most babies are in a room full of women. And I noticed one clear directive from everyone...to make him smile. Whether it was by a tickle or a game of peek-a-boo, a funny voice or an "airplane" ride. All we wanted was to hear his laugh.
 
I came to the conclusion that this is one of the most basic forms of love communication. To see another smile. However as life goes on and people age, the urgency in our efforts to make this so diminish. We get wrapped up in our own lives we no longer see a new human and want to do something to make them laugh. At least, I'd say, a good majority of people.
 
It is the people in this world who still do this, who aren't afraid to look silly and desire to work for a smile, that I am most enthralled by. They have held on to something that we can only tap into when children are around, and for some, not even then. These people do not neccesarily have to be comedians. They can simply be a kind heart who offers a smile and genuine friendly candor, or a constant stream of encouragement. But they are all open and desire joy in another.
 
Lets remember this when talking to grown-up humans. I'm pretty certain that they enjoy smiling as much as babies do and it makes you feel good to make someone happy. As the song says:
 
"Make someone happy,

Make just one someone happy,

And you will be happy, too."



Thursday, November 15, 2012

Sometimes...



Sometimes...Your best friend is getting married.

You experienced a love story unfold in front of you. You got to be there when those first emails made her giggle. She would call you when her girlish ways would make her doubt her sanity (as it does for us all) She would move to be near him and you would wonder if that was a good idea. You would swallow your doubts when she gushed about the delicate way he handles her heart. And you would know she was gonna spend the rest of her life with him it was just a matter of time. And then it happens. And you spend the last 3 months in a Crazy Beautiful, Busy Poor, & Lovely Stressed state for her big day...Sometimes

Sometimes...You don't want to fall in love.

Despite the love you've witnessed the aches you experienced make you want to stay single. You know it's easy here. No one to answer to. You spend months being solidly solitary. Bravely by yourself. Heroicly healing. You are positive that the reason you want to be alone has to do with not being hurt. But then...

Sometimes...You just don't want to hurt someone else

You learn that the reason you want to be alone has less to do with a gaurd against others but protecting them from you. You are afraid that if you love again that horrible version of you will resurface. You do not like her. You rather loathe her. She lives in a world of expectation and cries a lot. Her daggered tongue is so uncomfortable in your mouth & biting it hurts two-fold. You know she has been put away, but you are still afraid of her reach...sometimes.

Sometimes...You don't want to get out of the car

You think about her and how you don't want to fall in love. You are convinced it will only end badly. If banter is clever and interest is piqued you may lose the control you've sustained. Intellect is a boulder next to a deep ravine that you will surely trip on. You may be irresistible and whitty. You may not feel the same. You may have to let someone down. You don't like the idea of that. You contemplate leaving. People do it all the time. "My car wouldn't start", "I'm not feeling well." The excuses flood in as you stare at the tree in front of you. You force yourself out of the car...sometimes.

Sometimes...Everything changes

Or doesn't. Or seems to have. Or you aren't sure but you like it for now. In a week your best friend will be married. A week ago your gaurd was disarmed. Who knows what 2 weeks from now will bring, but life is always everything...sometimes.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

I Love our banter Future Husband



Hi Handsome.

I love that you play along. When I offer that Pokey is a distinguished gentleman, you add on that we need to get him a top hat as soon as possible. And then we start trying out what we think he would sound like if he could really talk.

At first it starts out British. Because when we think distinguished we think Brit's. You say something like, "I would  be much obliged, Sir, if you would kindly escort me to the garden. As I have some business to attend to there." We laugh and then I kiss you because you are SO cute when you try to do accents.

I continue that maybe he speaks with a more Southern dialect. Like a classy plantation owner. "I do say, young man, that there leash aint gonna walk itself. How's about we take a stroll around. See what kind of trouble we can get into."

"But one that wasn't mean. He didn't have slaves. He would never do something like that. He treated all his workers equally," you would say. And I would, of course, agree. Pokey is too kind for that.

Except not really, He is a ferocious little pup. But that doesn't matter because we are having too much fun finishing eachother's thoughts and writing a joint story.

I love creating a world with you. In fiction and in real life.

We look over at Pokey and he is deep in the throws of passionate love with that pillow we keep meaning to throw away. We laugh. So much for the distinguished gentleman.

"Maybe a Porn Star," you say

"No, you'd be such a stage dad," I reply

You look at me with a still smile. One that says, "I couldn't be more content in this moment. You are adorable and make me laugh. And all I want to do kiss you a million times." And even though I read that from your smile, I smile back and ask "What?" You say, "Nothing." And then you kiss me.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Don't talk about it, Be about it



Ralphy Boy here is one of my absolute faves. His words always seem to resonate in all the corners of my being. I quote him often and say things like, "He's my fave," all the time. Sadly though, I have yet to read a whole work of his. I don't own one book by him. I know quotes. As far as my knowledge goes though the context could be crazy off. That quote could continue on to say, "...So stop theorizing about punching babies and just do it."

I realized after my last post that I talk and think a lot of things. And to some, including myself, reading about how someone should be living their life and not ever reading how she has actually implemented these things could be repetitive and not so much fun to read about. Granted, if by some miracle my realizations inspire others to take action, I could count this blog a win. However, what is an inspirer or a life lived soley in your mind?

I used to utterly loathe the term, "Actions speak louder than words." An Ex friend would say it ALL THE TIME. She would use it to prove herself right in situations. Stating that my words meant nothing. I would argue that my words reflect my heart and though I was working on changing it didn't mean that the words were void. WORDS ARE MY LIFE (to quote Never Been Kissed)

I have come to believe that neither words nor actions alone can prove a heart's desire or life's passion. It is the combined effort of both that create a fully intentional life.

So it's time I DO. BE the version of myself in my head. I don't have to travel to Africa to help people in need. I don't have to travel to be cultured. I don't have to move to New York and make cozy with the hip underground thespians to start acting again.

And most importantly I will never find community in other places until I find it right here. I say I want to live in harmony and be all hippie beatnik-y but the truth is I don't play well with others. Sure I'm a great friend. I will be there for you and listen and tell you how amazing you are. BUT bother me when I'm sleeping or have the audacity to be home with all the lights on when all I want to do is go to sleep and I'm all kinds of annoyed. This is not comprimise. This is not harmonious living. I'm rather Bitchy, guys. Seriously.

My point is this. I keep this picturesque life in my head perhaps because owning that I could live it out right here, right now, would mean giving up selfishness. Releasing control. And erasing ideals.

So to force my life into reality (Other than being in Love with Norman Reedus, that will be a constant. That man does something to me) I am vowing to have at least 2 action blogs a month. Recounting an action I've taken to live my best life. This will be both affirming and show me the progess I've made.

I'd love to hear what actions you've taken to be fully present and achiev-y in YOUR life! Did you take time to be grateful? Pay your bills even though you didn't want to? Eat a Salad instead of a Burger? Everything counts People! And I am quite good at encouragement so share away and let me praise your efforts!

If you want to know why sharing is good and why having me say how awesome you are is good for you read Eleni's Post  from today!




Thursday, October 25, 2012

I Need To Come Alive

Two Days ago I felt a bit infinite. I had this crazy idea on how to save money to travel and tackle my dreams. I was weary to share it because it seemed so insane. I then saw two life-affirming "go for that hard, crazy, impossible, fall-on-your face thing" posts on the Facebook and I thought it was a sign that I was onto something.

Then I shared it. I was told it was too silly and I'd hate it and I needed to find another way. Now, don't go bashing the person who said this. She just cares about me. But I'm not gonna lie. It knocked me down a bit.

Then my car died.

Then it started again.

Then I found out that I'm broke. (This with a bridal shower I'M supposed to be throwing for my best friend approaching)

Then my best friend told me she is going to start dating the most popular guy from our senior class whom I had a celebrity-esque crush on. (which shouldn't bother me, it just makes me feel worse for some reason. Not because I want the guy. AT ALL. But because it just reminds me how much I want to get out of here.)
Then my car died again.

And I felt stuck. Haulted. Unable to tackle my dreams. I don't know how to plan. I'm a talented person. I sing, I act, I write, I stalk. I am relatively ok at making people feel apprecaiated. But I can't get my dreams off the ground. I have a vision and 2 days ago I felt free and amazing for taking mental steps to see them through.

Today I realized I have never adopted structure of any kind in my life. Seriously. Every single day is different. Maybe today I'll do the dishes. Maybe today I'll hang out with my friends. Maybe today I'll make my bed. MAYBE today I'll practice my guitar. Probably today, because I have no concrete plans, I will watch How I Met Your Mother and Norman Reedus videos all day and lay in bed. (Actually today I am going to watch Singing In The Rain with one of my dearest friends, so that might be tomorrow)

Do I enjoy this? In the moment, sure. NPH is hilarious and Norman is dreamy. But like I read in Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman,

"What would happen if my entire life were made up of such easy pleasures, never calling on my strengths, never presenting challenges? Such a life sets one up for depression. The strengths and virtures may wither during a life of taking shortcuts rather than choosing a life made full through the pursuit of gratifications." 

And I'm finally ready to work hard. Take a leap and fall. But without a road map, I'm disgustingly scared. What if I wind up homeless. What if I get stranded in a foreign country. I have a hard time networking and asking for help. So what if I'm in Bangledesh without a penny to my name because I lost my backpack and no way to contact anyone? My brain stops me in my tracks. "You can't do this." is always on repeat in the background. I try to ignore it. But hearing it from anyone else turns it up to blaring and I concede that it must be true.

WANT NEED TO TRAVEL

I WANT NEED TO WORK ON A FARM

I WANT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

I WANT NEED TO ACT

I WANT NEED TO SING IN A BAND

I WANT NEED TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER



I need these things because they will fulfill my soul. And a fulfilled soul is a productive member of society. As Howard Thurman says: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Im ready to come alive and be impressed with myself.

My roommate has suggested I cut all ties. If I want to be a feral human, roots need to be upped. But the idea of ridding myself of all my possesions and leaving my pup seems near impossible.

And this is why I'm stuck. I'm in between craving the life of a nomad and enjoying the life I have built and the people in it.

My head is spinning.

Any suggestions on how to quench wanderlust and tackle dreams. I'm all ears.


Thursday, October 18, 2012

...And in that moment, I swear we were INFINITE




There was a time when I felt this way. Sometimes I still see glimpses of it. But it was those times with my best friends by my side that we were INFINITE.

We had just graduated highschool and were learning life much like Charlie. We lived life with wild abandon and with enough childlike wonder to make our transition into adulthood the most fullfilling, beautiful, invigorating experience we could imagine.

We were poor. We lived at home. I remember we all shared the book; each taking turns reading it. I was the last and I remember feeling left out when they would talk about it before I was finished.

You know that image of standing up in a convertible as it travels down a long strech of deserted highway with your arms up and maybe a scarf or just your hair blowing in the wind? That is what my life was like at that time. Full yet empty. Empty in that there was so much room for dreams and so much time to see them come true.

On any given weekend you could find us hitting the road to see our favorite artists perform in dank small venues; their sweat and ours creating a humid room filled with the joy of music and comraderie. Their art was true and real and not manufactured for the masses. At times there were a handful of fellow appreciators, at others a steady stance was needed to manuever the waves of the surging crowd. EVERY TIME was perfect. Even when I was kicked in the head or had a foot stepped on. I look back and think, "Perfection"

One time I actually lost my job to follow an Art/Music tour called Attention to Expression around California. I remember getting the call right before the last show of the tour saying if I wasn't at work the next morning I should just not show up again. Seeing as it was 7p and I was in San Francisco there was no way I was not going inside to watch the last night of that beautiful display. So I just didn't show up. I sat inside front and center and teared up as Matt Embree crooned solo on his acoustic guitar and thought to myself, "There is no where I'd rather be. I made the right choice."

Obviously at 30 I can no longer do things on such careless whim. Work is kind of important and I am no longer able to just crash on a friends parents' couch til I can find a job.

And with time the relationships that helped form me. The love that helped me know what I love was wounded. And we no longer spend long afternoons together. But that's ok. Because as the book says:

"Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody"

Life hasn't stopped and the memories have never faded. I love those times and when I think of who I'd like to be; that girl, the one who felt infinite, says:

"You can feel that way again."



Wednesday, October 17, 2012

A year abroad without leaving home.


So I had this wild idea the other day. I recently started hosting couch surfers. It has been a blast, though I have been mostly unprepared. Anyhoo, the thought crossed my mind that we here in the NO (Fresno, Ca for those not as hip to our awesome lingo) are very culturally diverse. We have all kinds of beautiful amazingly creative and ethnicly different individuals here. And I'd LOVE to absorb their passion about what makes them...them!

So this is a plea to anyone who will listen to say let me in, take me on a journey to your country, artform, Zen place, religious temple and allow me to absorb and appreciate the lovely differences between us all.

Thank You in Advance!

Krystle

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Someone Special To Me: The Godfather of Latin Rock; Mr. Tequila










This Man is an icon.  He is a star and Guiness Record holder. But to me, He is simply Grandpa.

He is my inspiration and bloodline.

The overwhelming feeling I get when I think of just how much he has shaped me and how special he is to me make it near impossible to even really form words about it. Thus making a blog of this magnitude a bit on the difficult side. But It feels time.

I have spent many a blog posts talking about my lacking ability to try too hard at anything. It is this all encompassing pitfall for me that I desperately want to overcome. And the other day when thinking about my Grandfather, I was overwhelmed with inspiration.

This man was not born into wealth by any means. He was the son of migrant farm workers from Mexico. They had very little in the way of material goods but lots of love. As a boy he was on the path to the cloth. There are pictures of him as litle as 4 years old holding a bible.

Then he found music. He didn't just find it, it found him. And his calling changed. He taught himself every instrument he could get his hands on.  HE WORKED HARD AT IT. He was also a gifted networker. Forming groups and bands and working his way up the ranks.

My Grandmother actually met him while he was gigging at a club where she waitressed. She once told me that he would drive past her and lift his shades and do that double-eyebrow lift as to say "Hey there Hot Stuff." A whirlwind romance took place. Just like the movies. JUST LIKE THE MOVIES!

The point is that my Grandpa went after everything he wanted. He worked for it. He wooed it. He studied it. He networked for it. He was unstoppable.

He soared to the top then had a massive fall. People stabbed him in the back and he struggled but he never quit. EVER. It wasn't until he started losing his hearing and Parkinson's set in that he was forced to stop performing. And even then it wasn't his choice. The man was phenomenal

And as his granddaughter I feel that must live in me somewhere. Some dormant capability to see my dreams come true. See them come true because failure isn't even something I contemplate. The gift to dwell in the flow of what I love and know that the growing pains will get me there.

So Grandpa, Thank You. Thank you for making music a source of comfort. A place I call home. For always encouraging my talent and fostering it. For making a me get up in front of crowded clubs and dance like Pee-Wee Herman ALL THE TIME! For teaching me chopsticks when I was 5 and for always wanting me to sing for you. I will never forget the emotional love of music you have instilled and I miss you everyday. Your impact on music goes to all corners and generations and I hope to make you proud. So I will try hard to try hard. I will get callouses on my fingers and sing til my voice is gone. I will act every chance I get and audition for roles I don't think they'd ever cast me for. I will know that my dancing skills are not great but my voice outshines that. I will keep going and trying and learning and adapting. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for living life the way you did.

A Gem From Mr. Daniel "Chuck Rio" Flores

"If someone is talking about you tell them its ok. Good or bad that means you are important enough in their minds to talk about"


I LOVE YOU GRANDPA!



Thursday, October 11, 2012

How a Saint with a Crossbow made me 16 again. And why I'm ok with that.



Soooo, you know how most days I'm all deep and stuff. I'm all like, "come search the caverns of my mind and heart with me while I posit profound (me thinks) ideas about being a better person"

And then I write posts like this one.

It is NO SECRET that I can go from indifferent spectator to devoted Fanatic in 1.695 seconds. This phenomena has occured in record time recently and I just couldn't help myself but to write about it.

 

This, my Dear Friends, is Norman Reedus. He is currently starring on the hit AMC show The Walking Dead and I have spent the last 2 weeks enveloped in a zombie filled world catching up for Season 3.

If you don't watch this show, I whole-heartedly encourage you to do so. Especially if you enjoy Guts and Gore and little girls getting their brains blown out. And I mean...who doesn't, right?

*raises hand*

Yeah, Me. I don't. I mean, not normally. But this show is Sensational and This man is, I'd say, 87% of the reason why.

His character is so complex and he is the badassiest of badasses.

*swoon*

So I immediately IMDB'd Mr. Daryl Dixon to see who this fine actor was. I needed to know the person who could make me literally say out loud in Ep 1 "Ugh, I hate him." Then with each one that followed have me fully engaged in his motives, his backstory, his complexities and his heart.

Then, when that wasn't enough (because for a fanatic such as myself it never is) I hit the Youtube. And after that first interview my heart was won. Whilst on the Internet Movie Database I found that Mr. Reedus was 43. With the first smile and beautifully young candor, this man taught me that age is, in fact, merely a number and SO much is yet to come out of this amazing, crazy, fabulous life of mine.

Now, God Bless him, Norman has all corners of the social media world covered. And he posts...A LOT! And I just don't have the will power to not consume everything he serves up. Which has lead to a frenzied fangirl type adoration which closely matches the NSYNC hysteria of 1999 or the RxBandits Stalking of 2004. And it has made me question myself and my sanity.

I am, for all intents and purposes, an intelligent woman. I have my whits about me and am never spoon fed anything. I philosophize and ponder and come to conclusions about life that make me grow and become better. And for some reason I feel a since of shame being so devoted to someone you don't know. So why is it that I can get lost so fast in this way?

And I think the reason is this:

It keeps my mind focused for a bit. I can perserverate for hours on fantasy, create scenarios and fall into a crazy dream-like stupor. And this, for the moment, is an escape. And you know what? I rather enjoy it.

So, I hereby own it. I am a Norman Reedus fangirl. I spend lots of time watching him talk. I have heard about how Daryl is an "Al-Anon member and not an Alcoholics Anonyous member" who "needs a hug but if you tried to he will stab you" a thousand times. And, We Live Together New York is in constant rotation.

Norman, if you read this, which I'm certain you will not (how crazy do I sound? VERY? Ok, cool) You have inspired me.

Monologue Mondays will commense once I get a computer up and running. Also, you can bet I will be gracing you all with my vocal stylings far more often.

I have talent and more than that, artistic endeavors of any kind fill me with purpose. I enjoy loosing myself in another's emotion and swirling notes with my voice. The idea of it all has me elated.

So, Thanks Norman.

<3 p="p"> 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

December 17th

I can remember the exact day. I think it may live in infamy. One of those days that you just can't forget. Even if you want to. Perhaps. Or maybe, it's just going to take a bit more time.

It's not easy erasing the day you got the news. THE news, that informed you of the reality that your hold wasn't really all that strong. Your efforts were not pervasive enough to warrant a little more time. Later you learned that your impact had diminished long before the end. Before the Break.

The break didn't bring too much pain. Isn't that the time it's supposed to hurt the most? Breaking usually warrants an ache, a pang. Don't misunderstand. Breaking caused a dull twinge. But it wasn't until you got the news, that the agony really set in.

Confusion soon followed. You always doubted the devotion. Some say that's why you failed to have it. But this, this was all too enigmatic. When and where did the canyon form? Your apologies were sincere and you were confident in the bond. Yet here you were, holding the end of an unraveling tie.

Saline was a taste you knew all too well those next few months. Relinquishing the rope seemed imperative at the time and with it, all entanglement was lost. At least in reality. In your mind and heart, people can rarely be undone.

You got stronger. EVERY DAY. Epiphanies have a way of finding you with ease and joy crept in little by little. Soon you'd go days without thinking about that news. You would realize that you do have a hold and your impact far outreaches that of what you had hoped for.

Resenting it all set in with the boost of confidence. Anger absorbed the hurt and you navigated through Joyful days and eventful nights claiming that this was your right of passage. That Day became a far less pondered event. Frankly, you had too much Happiness and Joy to claim to allow it to take up residency anymore.

The news source then offers consolation and with it the final load is alleviated. Freedom is imminent.

With a long exhale an altered fondness takes shape. Life is as abundant as you could hope for.

However, Just like the sun and the moon. It comes back around. And though its affect is no longer damaging, it continues to hold just as much mystery.








Thursday, September 27, 2012

What are your intentions, Sir?


Sometimes, like today, when I think "I'm not feeling inpsired by much," I wonder if it will be a day for Sass and Sparkle and a less weighty Blog Topic. But who am I kidding...right? I'm Deep, Yo. It's what I do.

So here I am with the topic of intention. I feel as though this theme in life is a hard one to come by. Not just in blatant ways. I.e. going to the store TO buy groceries, Applying somewhere TO get a job. But in the more interpersonal ways. Why are you really talking to this guy? Did you really just call your mom to say hi? Why DON'T you want this person to be a part of this? etc.

I find in this life, my intentions seem very muddled. I'm not certain why. I could psychoanalyze myself and tell you all the reasons it could be...but I'll spare you. I think it all comes down to second guessing myself at every turn. Which I believe is because, though I like to think not, I care FAR TOO MUCH what people think of me. So when I say or do anything and someone gets upset, I immediately feel bad. Oh, I'll put up a fight. I'll argue my case and rebuttle with the best of them. But inside, I feel at fault. Always.

*cue violins*

So this leads me on a path of confusion with lots of encounters.

I also think, as a human race, we try to put our best face forward. There is nothing wrong with this. However, for me at least, I find myself denying truths and laughing off accusations. What would happen if a guy said, "You know, I think you are wanting more out of this than I do. I thought we were just friends." And I replied with, "You are right. You are a great guy and I thought this could turn into something great. But I understand, you can't help attraction, right." Instead of "Umm, No. Somebody thinks too highly of themselves." Or instead when someone labels me as "Quiet" thinking, "You know. I can be. And there's nothing wrong with that."

There are more, with much more heinous labels and angry words usually thrown my way by my family, but what if instead of rage, I just owned them. At least if they were true. Yeah, I can be a Bitch sometimes...So can each and every one of us. It doesn't make me a horrible person it makes me human. And that is something I am proud to be...most of the time. Sometimes I'd rather be an Orca or Narwhal or even a little snow monkey. But most times, I enjoy my humanity.

Finding my intention is what I crave most right now. To live life on purpose and know exactly why I do every single thing I do and stand behind every word I utter. Like why do I blog? Partly because it is cheaper than a therapist and I enjoy having a place for my overwhelming thoughts instead of having to bore a friend with them. But I'm not going to lie. I hope people love what I have to say. That they feel a connection to it and that I can make them think. I check my stats repeatedly and hope more people would comment. Sooo...I'm a bit narcissistic. I want more blog friends. I want to go to Blogger events and have people feel about me the way I feel about Eleni Zoe or Peter DeWolf. BUT they are crazy good writers and I am a girl from Fresno just vomiting thoughts on a screen in the 2 hours she has at work to do so once a week.

So yeah. That's why I blog.

I think I'm going to start an Intention journal. Write down why I say & do things that cause me confusion/upset. And not just the reasons I would tell the public, but the truth. And, perhaps, this will allow me to know myself that much better and, fingers crossed, one day my journal and what I put out in the world will align.


(My intention was to let you know I struggle internally with my intentions. My fear right now is that you think I'm a big fat Fakey. I'm not. At All. Just working to be the most genuine version of myself.)

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Things I haven't said to you.


*I wish you'd talk/write to me
*You really were an asshole and I'm no one's "for now"
*I'm sorry I never answer your calls. Busy is no excuse and I'm afraid one day you'll stop calling
*You are so gorgeous but I think your body image has you feeling insecure. It shouldn't but I will help in ANY WAY I can. I need help there too.
*Thank you for helping me get over my ex. We were less than nothing but knowing a real man helped me realize I deserved more.
*Our past makes me think we could have a future. But That's just sillyness.
*I don't hate you. I actually think you have helped me grow.
*You aren't really all that nice
*You are quite literally one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Words can't even express my love for you. which is why I fail to try.
*Im sorry I judged you at such a young age. I wish I could take it back.
*I kind of have a girl-crush on you.
*My life was better because you weren't in it. Thanks for leaving
*You are worth so much more than you keep letting yourself go for.
*You are not my enemy. You did nothing wrong.
*You were not blameless
*I miss you
*You helped me realize a love for music/musicianship was SUCH A TURN ON
*I try to pretend I'm not like the masses, but really I was just as excited when you broke up with your girlfriend.
*You talk about yourself too much.



Saturday, September 8, 2012

Someone Special to Me: My Baby D











It's been awhile since I shared someone whom I love with the world. And seeing as this person is one of the most important people in my life AND it's almost her 21st birthday I figured she would be a good candidate.

This, my friends, is my Baby D!

She is my Baby Sister. Almost 10 years younger than I but my absolute best friend! She is the one person in this whole world who knows my heart better than I do. She is always, ALWAYS there for me and I couldn't be more grateful for the gift she is to me.


Deanna Denise Austin is one of the most charismatic and magnetic humans on this earth. People are drawn to her charm and infectious smile. She radiates confidence and I honestly think she could start a cult in the morning and have 100 followers by lunch. She has a passion for life that cannot be squelched and her heart is so big.

My baby sister has had to deal with a lot of adversity in this crazy life. She has fought with demons and overcome hate. She has struggled and courageously become the amazing woman she is today and she is still triumphing to become the woman she will be. With all of this her love for others has remained pure and intact. She, like me, doesn't know how to quit on those she loves. She is so beautiful.

Baby D is so brave! She moved half way across the country at 19 years old and made a life of her own. Something I have never done at age 30. She knows what she wants and she does it. Sometimes (to be honest) it is a little bit on the inconsiderate side, however, she is young and this life is all she has. I am proud of her for living it to the fullest. For hopping trains and befriending strangers ;)

Deanna Denise, Baby D, Baby Sister, You are my ultimate best friend. You and I have a bond unlike anything I have ever experienced. I Love You beyond words. So this post is doing a great disservice, but I'll try anyway. I love how you know how I'm feeling before I can even say it. I love that you know my heart and have to tell me what is good for me when I don't know. I love that I can call you and say random things like "waiting for an absolution that will never come....what is that from" and you will say "Titanic". You are such a deep thinker and I love that we can spend hours talking about any topic. I couldnt' have made it through this life or in this family without you as my side-kick, my confidant and my partner. I often feel that I owe you so much. That your intuition into my being and willingness to be there for me at any turn are sorely unmatched. I only hope I can be the big sister you deserve and that I have taught you at least something worthy. You really do own my heart baby sister. I didn't know 21 years ago when you were born a month too early and vastly under weight that you would be the one person in this life that meant I had something worth living for. I have someone who cares for me and loves me. I have someone whom I love more and more with each year we share together. In this life you always hope you can find someone who gets it. Who knows what you find funny and who understands WHY you think it's funny. Who understand why that makes you cry, or how to make you feel better.

I'll never forget a time when I wanted to run though the sprinklers at our Alma Mater and my then boyfriend wouldn't do it with me. I looked at you and said "Do you want to run through the sprinklers?" to which you replied, "Not really. But I will do it with you." I knew then that I would always have someone to go on adventures with because I had you. And that I had someone who would do something they didnt' want to do, just because it would make me happy. And that is the most priceless gift anyone can have.

Thank You SO MUCH My Beautiful Baby Sister! Lets go do something you want to do , just because I love your smile SO MUCH and want to do ANYTHING to make you happy.

Love Always,

Your Big Sister







Thursday, September 6, 2012

Gilmore Girls taught me Ennui


Sometimes....

And by "Sometimes" I mean all the times...

I just don't do what is good for me.


I mean, I don't even do what I KNOW will make me happy. It's like as soon as it's expected from me, even if it's by myself, I shut down and rebel. "Don't tell me what to do," I say internally and then I pop on some Gilmore Girls and eat some pizza and drink some wine and do nothing productive or fulfilling with my day.

I'm just not sure why. And it BUGS me so. Why do I do this? I have the tools for happiness. I am in the beginning stages of implementing them, but old habits die hard. And those habits are like all the villians of all the lands got together and formed this super beast where only sunlight, silver bullets, garlic, chopping of their head etc. combined will kill them. And most days I'd just rather give in and let them take over.

I wonder if it's lazniess. I think maybe it is. That sucks.

I have said that my new definition of success is living exactly where I am and being happy with the life I have and have created. And as much as I believe this is imperative to finding joy in the now, I crave more. I want to do what I absolutely love. I want to travel the world. I want to meet new people and absorb their intellect and culture and sparkle. But that will never happen if I keep falling prey to my lack of focus and rebellious nature.

I'm not a list maker. I'm not organized. I don't enjoy getting up early. I have commitment issues. Something that seems absolutely amazing will lose it's appeal as soon as I realize it will take up my free time or that I'll have to dedicate years to it. This from a girl who has been desperate for a fairytale romance since age 4. But even that, marriage, kids, career...it's so...permanent! I can't fly off on a whim if I'm tied down! BUT I don't do that now so whats the big deal? Maybe it's because I have never done it therefore I feel unfulfilled, who knows. I'm rambling. And you're still reading...so I'll continue on.

My point is simply that I am single. I have no ties. I can fly off on a whim. I can go out every night and learn whatever I want. I can finish my Happiness Book and Joy Equation prompts. I can master my guitar and exercise. I can move into my car and save money for a year and hit the road on the most badass world tour ever! But...I'm not. And I need to figure out why and fix it.

Perhaps I need to rid myself of distraction. No Gilmore Girls/Dexter until I've done something fulfilling. No chocolate until I exercise. No thinking about a boy (Going on his FB, Reading old converstions, making something out of nothing) until he actually deigns to talk to me. (That's a tough one) And No sitting until something has been cleaned or washed or made or cooked. I really need a checks and balances system in place. But I will rebel so hard. Buh.

Any tips on overcoming this? Feel free to share. :)

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Musings of a Shy Extrovert



"Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man."
-Francis Bacon


I used to be painfully shy, rather insecure, and stuck in my head. Call me crazy but I didn't like it so much. As of late, however,  I've been realizing the beauty that is The Introvert. How subtletly trumps brashness and quiet earned wisdom is worth more than loud combative opinons.

I worked really hard to rid myself of my shell. Wear my heart on my sleeve and be able to connect to others. I like people. I like making people feel good about themselves and I enjoy knowing I'm considered a safe place. You all know this, already...Hello Redundancy! So I'm assuming this is why I am considered an extrovert. The Myers Briggs Personality Indicator indicates I am an ENFP. EXTROVERT, Intuition, Feeling, Percieving. Most of it I understand. But why am i an extrovert? Because I'm so friendly? I wonder if I had taken this test back in the day if I would have gotten the same result. I have always adored people. Hmmm...Anyway, I digress.

My point is simply that I am considered an extrovert despite my incredibly shy childhood. I used to call myself a recovering introvert. Now, however, I don't believe it is something to recover from. Not everyone WANTS to have tons of friends nor do they get energized by the company of others. So I had to realize that people can actually be content with their introverted ways and pushing them to do otherwise is just kinda mean. "We are all different, Krystle, crazy huh?!"

With all this being said, I still believe I have introverted traits. I have an inward focus and a strong sense of self which makes me highly self-concious. And I bathe in sarcasm...to name a few

*segue*

I have been following the #VEDA (Vlog Ever Day in August)  posts by a few of my twitter friends. They are so fun and you REALLY get to know the participants. One of the topics was communication. I was watching Eleni's Post from that day and in it she discussed how she is much more comfortable when writing than in person. I first "met" her via her musings on her blog. She is brilliant! Her words about life have quite literally given me chills and caused misty eyes. So to hear her OWN her preffered form of communication was inspiring and got my wheels turning. And this is the ponderating that occured...

With the advent of constant written communication less and less people talk in person or create an actual connection with others. This is sad to me. Also it has been said that the internet is the "fake", "perfect" etc. version of yourself. I, myself, have often thought that if someone met me in person they would find out I am not as whitty and enjoyable in person as I "Seem" on the internet/through my writing.

But is this the truth? I mean. Just because you are taking your time to say exactly what you mean and saying it precisely the way you want to, does that make this version of yourself false? It lives in you. The words are still yours they just aren't as knee jerk when confronted with a constant flow of conversation. I can honestly say that when writing my blog it is rare that I pause. I tend to just let the thoughts flow through my fingers and hit Publish. From time to time I go back and edit misspells and grammatical errors etc. but for the most part the musings/what I am saying stays the same. When I am with someone in person though, I would never be this insightful or Eloquent. I stumble over words and correct myself over and again. But here, where I have time to form a solid topic and dwell and then put out there what I really want to say, I am ME. I am the person who lives inside and doesn't get to come out very often because Extrovert Krystle doesn't know how to shut up and just formulate solid points. She just spews streaming thoughts with no definition. Here, this place, is where I slow down, hone into my former shy/introverted self and let her out in all her wise and lovely glory.

So I  motion to stop thinking that the writer in us is the false version of us. In my opinion it is the purest and most honest. It's just the part of us that lives inside. It is in this place that we are Exactly who we are.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I would walk 500 Miles: Life lessons from Benny & Joon




My computer went kaput on me and I am researching my first laptop purchase. In the meantime, I have been diving into my dvd collection every night for some good entertainment whilst I eat dinner. Last night I felt as though I had struck gold when I found Benny & Joon. I had forgotten I had it! This movie is QUITE WONDERFUL. If you have not seen it I highly encourage you to. OR, even better, come watch it with me!

As I watched I kept thinking, " I feel like this movie had a bigger affect on me than I realized as a teenager." And of course, "I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!!!!"

So I have compiled a list of life altering lessons to be (I have) learned from this tale of quirk, whit and love.

(1)
Sometimes it's ok to win strangers in a bet and let them live in your home. Ok, ok, not really. But I think the idea of being open to new things/people/experiences is what life is all about. Maybe sign up for that couch surfing site like you've wanted to and let people chill at your house whilst they travel the world. OR if you are feeling really brave, invite a vagrant in for dinner. Stretch those comfort zones and enjoy the ride

(2)
Making grilled cheese with an iron NEEDS to happen
(3)
More men should wear suspenders, vests and cool hats. (take note)

(4)
Raisins are grapes who had the life sucked out of them

(5)
Men who do dance numbers with dinner rolls and forks will win my heart whether or not they know how to read. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have an intense love for one Pooh Bear named Winnie. This is because his simple wisdom is pure and profound. I see Sam (Johnny's Character) this same way. Life is this beautiful thing and we (I) spend SO MUCH time worrying and thinking and dwelling instead of just living. It feels good to work for my A-Ha! moments of simplicity, but some just have it naturally. And I kind of adore them.
(6)
Wordy girls with flowery expressions tend to be crazy. Eeep!

(7)
Read up on/watch more Buster Keaton films

(8)
And the most important life lesson learned is this: Even Juniper Pearl in all her amazing, crazy, intellectual, unstable glory found someone who loved her just the way she was. Now I know she is a fictional character & I will most likely never find a quirky, understanding, Johnny Depp look-alike with a knack for physical comedy of my very own, but the lesson remains. And that is that being happy with every single downfall you or I possess is key. We are not broken. We are not damaged. We are wonderful. This is not to say that we can't be better. But accepting oneself, even the things that you deem ugly or undesireable is imperative. And that is when, one day, you will find someone hanging out in a tree and twirling hubcaps and they will think you are wonderful too.

I've learned recently I feel a lot. I mean, I always knew, but I learned that not everyone does. So as I watched last night and my heart lept and sang and swelled and all the other fun things you can say your heart does when really it just pumps blood in and out, I was joyful in the woman I am.

Thanks Benny & Joon

Love,
Krystle

Thursday, August 16, 2012

"So baby take an axe to your make-up kit" -Rx Bandits




So there was this time. When I was young(er) and invincible where my life was so full of adventure and I only lived by whim. Life was too short for responsibility and this band was the soundtrack to my life. I spent so many years crippled by insecurity and a horrible self image and here they were telling me I was BEAUTIFUL just how I was. Encouraging me to rid myself of all my beauty products and be confident without them. I actually spent about 6 months with no makeup. I swore it off completely. However, coupled with this burst of assurance was also a 50+ lb weight loss. I had gotten sick and food was my enemy. I lost weight without trying and was the thinest I had ever been...well...since grade school.

I looked a little like this...but then I started gaining it back

And kept gaining
Yes, I met the Jonas Brothers, don't be jealous.

And after a ruined friendship, A scare that I was going to lose my mom, and an unhappy relationship I tipped the scales at almost 250.





And along with my thin frame my self confidence was lost.

I was letting the Bandits down. I was letting myself down. I thought I had really grasped that whole self-confidence thing. I thought I had severed that tie that linked it to my weight. But in retrospect, it was anchored in my dress size. When I was thin, I quite literally had guys who had gone out of their way to be the assiest of Jack Asses to me, spitting lines of adoration. I scoffed at their advances with friends but loved that I finally had the upper hand. And you know what? It was because of the lowered number on my scale. And you know what else? It felt REALLY good.

I am now in this place of confusion. Trying so hard to be happy just exactly where I am. I am a gorgeous, loving, sassy, un-filtered gal with awesome boobs and a great ass. But I also have experience to tell me valuptuous Krystle isn't a widely desired version as compared to thin me. I can tell myself this every morning and it won't stop me from feeling a little less than when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. If it were just a life lived alone, with wonderful friends and nieces and nephews that love me I think I could be ok. And I am working incredibly hard to be totally and completely fine with that. However, I really do want someone to love someday. Someone to love me in return for all that I am.  And that is someone who is NEVER EVER EVER (Cue Taylor Swift) going to be a size 5. A woman who will most likely gain weight when I have kids and pain myself with MONTHS of dieting and exercise to get back to thin-town. A bird who is 5'9 and has to have bones showing in order to resemble thin because I am just not built to be tiny. And yet, I'm still not ok with this.

I'm struggling here guys. I am confident in most places. I love WHO I am. I am proud of WHAT I've achieved, I'm GRATEFUL for the people in this amazing life, and in truth this mug of mine is STUNNING. I have gorgeous blue eyes, eyelashes that touch the sky, porcelain smooth skin, perfect lips and my hair is enviable. It's just the stuff below, the middle ground and the appendages that I look at and feel a little bit of woe in my heart.

I thought it was time I shared a post that didn't have an answer. One that I am still struggling with and to ask for some encouragement. I am definitely on my way to losing the weight, but I so desperately want to be ok before that.

Look at this girl! She just climbed a water fall and her smile is radiant! She should most definitely see herself as GORGEOUS; body and all! Help her out with that, would you?



IN THE MEANTIME THE BANDITS WILL ENCOURAGE ME WITH THESE GORGEOUS LYRICS!

TO OUR UNBORN DAUGHTERS

Written for you these words, the love of my life
the world is yours to discover
with brand new eyes
you're no player in a game of roles assigned
what you possess has no barter, no structure,
no insurmountable walls,
only barriers of perception

Don't you ever be afraid of all of your beauty
you can move without his words
or a grant of submission
Oh they try to smother
you're righteous ambition
and stifle your loving grace
they tell you its a little girl's place
to alter your convictions
no don't you wait...

Put it down, rhetoric
Shake it out now baby
They said you want it
they said you need it
but you don't need it anymore
(and you never did)


They thrust you their products
by making you feel insecure
the matriarch was murdered
and now woman is a four letter word
Put a price on your body
to convince you that it's all you're worth



they are afraid of the power they lose
and the gift of creation
so don't you ever listen!



Thursday, August 9, 2012

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me.



 


Hi. My name is Krystle and I'm an uber fan. Magazines such as these were my crack cocaine as a pre-pubescent girl and I salivated over every last trivial detail regarding my favorite celebrity crushes. Ask me what Justin Timberlakes favorite childhood toy was and I could tell you. (It was toy guitars BTW) Oh, you didn't care? Too bad. Somehow this made me feel closer to them. Like I knew them. We were friends.

Ok. ok. Before you get all "you are verging on crazy stalker status". I never hid in their closets or anything disturbing like that. I may have written silly love notes in hopes they'd see my heart and fall in love with me. Which, now that I think of it, is far more embarrasing.

I entered adulthood never really ridding myself of this fanatisicm. When I learned I could follow bands/musicians of the underground variety and ACTUALLY TALK TO THEM!! I was hooked. I soon became on a first name basis with some of the greatest artists of my day (you know, in my humble opion) and basked in their inspiring glow.

*Enter the advent of Social Media*

Uh oh! Now normal people can be stalked and you can know frivilous things about them too! You can spend hours looking at their pictures and reading how amazing their lives are. It is socially acceptible to share too much information with the world and have "followers". Even more so, it is totally cool to "follow" strangers and comment on their daily lives. At first this seemed ideal. I was normal afterall. Everyone does it now. I wasn't so weird to memorize things about someone I had never met and *ahem* kinda feel an attachment to them based on this information. So TOTALLY O.K.

Except...It's kinda not. ESPECIALLY for me. One of my Best Friends once told me that I am not just a friend. That I'm more like a fan of the people I love. It was one of the best compliments I could have ever recieved, because I was a VERY PASSIONATE fan. So if that same fervor showed through in my love of REAL PEOPLE then I must be doing something right. But you see, the problem is, I'm a fan of the people I love. So it's just a slippery slope when it comes to having access to intel on actual people I can talk to. Soon I'm daydreaming about being their best friend and what fun we will have. OR planning our fictional first date.

So I guess what I'm saying is...I need an intervention. A Fanatics intervention. I need to limit the amount of useless propoganda I insert in this ravenous brain and instead fill it with things like philosophy and How awesome I am.

Honestly, I kind of feel like I should only know about you the things you tell me personally. Because that is when you are actually saying "I trust you. You are a friend." So feel free to share with me whatever you want. But I'm going to try and limit the amount of facts I gather via the interwebs and wait patiently for you to invite me in.

Hey, Did you know that Morgan  met her husband on Myspace and had a Tiffany inspired wedding?! Like that...things like that. Guh! This is going to be hard!