I know what I want...but not if I deserve it...yet.

What's on your list?

You know, THE list. What are you looking for in the one you'll call your forever person? What will your life be made up of? Where will you live? What kind of kids will you have? How do you want be percieved?

We all dream of what our lives will look like. What they'll feel like. We make plans in our brains and hold fast and hard to those ideals.

Me?

I have always wanted to be Loved. Sounds simple, right? But true unconditional Love, is hard to come by. I wanted to be loved the way a love song feels. I wanted to be someone's world. I dreamed of a love that was hard but worth it, a man who couldn't imagine life without me.

All of this may sound incredibly idyllic. But what can I say, I loved me some fairytales.

And guess what?!

I have all of that! I have a man who loves me with his whole heart. Who has worked incredibly hard to grow and support me in every endeavor I tackle. He is loving, affectionate, quick to apologize (after being defensive when I lash out...yeah...no ones perfect) He makes me feel like a Muse for a love song. Someone who shapes a life because of the love they have found in them. It's incredible isn't it? Loving someone else can change you so much.

But I digress.

The thing is...

I never thought about the love I would give. My focus was solely based in selfishness. A fully outward expectation of someone else. I never thought, "I want to be slow to anger. I want to encourage my guy and make coming home blissful."

Instead, I still react on selfish notions and unrealistic expectations. Despite the unconditional love I am recieving all I muster is a love full of stipulations and contract voiding clauses.

I'm learning the harsh reality of living in my chidhoods daydream.

I am somewhat lost lately as to what I want in life. Who I want to be etc. I do know, however, that I want to be loving. I want to stop my selfishness and let a man who has loved me so perfectly know that he is worthy of that same love in return.

I am at war with myself in this. Selfishness is my resting place, it's my nature. It calls to me in every moment telling me how I am being wronged by every person. And yet, a not as powerful voice whispers that love is my desire. That selflessness is a better life.

It's a daily battle and I'm hoping that I can turn up the volume on the latter and make the first obsolete...maybe when I'm 80.

So what kind of love do you give your partner? This world? And how to you squelch your selfishness?