Living up to your own standards

I've recently become blatantly aware of the duality I live with. I think we all have growth we'd like to achieve or a vision of the person we'd like to become. This journey is definitely a constant. But how can one live so far out of touch with the the ideals they believe in?

I believe in Love

But I am so unloving. People like to pretend that love is easy. And when I say that my faith of choice is to live out the Love Jesus taught about without necessarily adopting all of the doctrine of the Christian religion people do not hold back with what they think. "Hippie" is a title I'm attributed quite often and hypocrite is another. Somehow the thought is "You're just picking the easy parts of faith." And I have got to say, Love is in NO WAY easy. The feeling of Love is easy. Emotions come with little work. However the actions of Love are ridiculously hard.

My Love has been tested over and over again recently. Living with your boyfriend causes lots of trials and tests and a GIANT MIRROR held up to your ability to love another. And there staring back at me was this woman, selfish and biting, prideful and unforgiving. In those moments hypocrisy reigns supreme and I wonder how I can live so far off my home base.

I am painfully self aware. How did this creep passed my over ruminating nature? It left me jaw-dropped and speechless.

Then something great also happened. I snapped my mouth shut, started up the engines of my mind and realized I'm still a pretty amazing person. I may not have Love all figured out. I may lose my cool, throw things and cry uncontrollably(sometimes)but I also realize when I've done a poor job at loving that day.

The effort is what matters most. And I am never done trying. I will most likely never live up to being the perfect embodiment of Love but I will try forever to get as close as possible. This calling is hard however the alternative is harder to live with. As Martin Luther King Jr. said:

"I have decided to stick with Love, Hate is too great a burden to bear."

So today I tell myself: Bite your tongue, doubt the negative, & let things go.

How can you Love better today?

I Won't Give Up

"'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up"

Love is hard.

Really Really hard.

INCREDIBLY HARD!

Are you getting it? Cause I can say it again...LOVE IS SO HARD!

Love takes you from this place of self-absorbed bliss. A Habitat of sole decision maker on movie night and messy dwellings. To a new land where your considerations need to be considerate and kindness trumps expectations.

There has been an uprising of this topic in my life lately. Not so much finding it hard to love someone, but just how much it takes to be successful at keeping a relationship going.

As I wrote in my last post, I find it hard to deny that urge to say what's on my mind and how I feel about things. Choosing my battles is not my strong suit. I tend to choose them all. (I should say I Tend-ed...I am improving)

I think there is nothing more beautiful and Heart Tuggingly Poignant than a Love that has been fought for. Not like a duel for the fair maiden's honor. But a Love where both people act as partners. Struggle through learning eachother. Digging in and holding steady when the circumstances beg to tear them apart. Bite their tongues when their partner drives too slow, doesn't take out the trash, leaves the dishes for the next day...

I really think that up until now I have been very happy to be selfish. Reveled in my ability to stay out as late as I want. Drive as fast as I want. Not have to answer to anyone. And all around have the time of my life.

I don't work very hard at much. It's one of my 1,001 issues to deal with. I even wrote a blog about my lack of stick-to-it-iveness. No matter how much I may think I want to do something it will most likely fall by the wayside. I will visit it from time to time. But Master it, I will not.

There is one exception to this. That exception is Self-Growth. I will pain-stakingly mold and bend. I will be refined over and over. The end goal being: to be someone better than who I was before. The rule I follow in this process is to rid myself of anything that is hurtful to others or myself. This includes things like jealousy, greed, insecurity, & selfishness. It does not include things like my ability to couch surf all day long or talk your ear off about the boy I like. Those things don't hurt you. They may annoy you, but loving me means loving all of me.

In short, I am ready. I am ready to take this learning and these growth spurts and put them to good use. To fight for something worthy. I want to struggle in Love. I want to bite my tongue and dig my heels in. I want to forego sleep and give everything I have to a child. I want to look back on a long rocky road full of pit-falls and flat tires and feel blessed to have come so far with the person I chose to experience it all with.

I'm not sure if this is in the cards for me. I'm not being woe is me or maudlin. Just not sure what this life has in store. I may roam this life powerfully solitary, and I'm ok with that.

But just in case, Future, I'm excited to fight with you. I look forward to Learning how you feel most loved. I'm ready to resolve issues with kisses and hold hands in the middle of the night, fatigued while we rock our twins to sleep (they run in my family...sorry did I fail to mention that) I can't wait to know you so well that I know exactly what buttons to push. And I can't wait to be silver haired and perpetually blissful because we have gone through the thick of it and conquered it all.

Til then, I'll just keep growing.