What are your intentions, Sir?

Sometimes, like today, when I think "I'm not feeling inpsired by much," I wonder if it will be a day for Sass and Sparkle and a less weighty Blog Topic. But who am I kidding...right? I'm Deep, Yo. It's what I do.

So here I am with the topic of intention. I feel as though this theme in life is a hard one to come by. Not just in blatant ways. I.e. going to the store TO buy groceries, Applying somewhere TO get a job. But in the more interpersonal ways. Why are you really talking to this guy? Did you really just call your mom to say hi? Why DON'T you want this person to be a part of this? etc.

I find in this life, my intentions seem very muddled. I'm not certain why. I could psychoanalyze myself and tell you all the reasons it could be...but I'll spare you. I think it all comes down to second guessing myself at every turn. Which I believe is because, though I like to think not, I care FAR TOO MUCH what people think of me. So when I say or do anything and someone gets upset, I immediately feel bad. Oh, I'll put up a fight. I'll argue my case and rebuttle with the best of them. But inside, I feel at fault. Always.

*cue violins*

So this leads me on a path of confusion with lots of encounters.

I also think, as a human race, we try to put our best face forward. There is nothing wrong with this. However, for me at least, I find myself denying truths and laughing off accusations. What would happen if a guy said, "You know, I think you are wanting more out of this than I do. I thought we were just friends." And I replied with, "You are right. You are a great guy and I thought this could turn into something great. But I understand, you can't help attraction, right." Instead of "Umm, No. Somebody thinks too highly of themselves." Or instead when someone labels me as "Quiet" thinking, "You know. I can be. And there's nothing wrong with that."

There are more, with much more heinous labels and angry words usually thrown my way by my family, but what if instead of rage, I just owned them. At least if they were true. Yeah, I can be a Bitch sometimes...So can each and every one of us. It doesn't make me a horrible person it makes me human. And that is something I am proud to be...most of the time. Sometimes I'd rather be an Orca or Narwhal or even a little snow monkey. But most times, I enjoy my humanity.

Finding my intention is what I crave most right now. To live life on purpose and know exactly why I do every single thing I do and stand behind every word I utter. Like why do I blog? Partly because it is cheaper than a therapist and I enjoy having a place for my overwhelming thoughts instead of having to bore a friend with them. But I'm not going to lie. I hope people love what I have to say. That they feel a connection to it and that I can make them think. I check my stats repeatedly and hope more people would comment. Sooo...I'm a bit narcissistic. I want more blog friends. I want to go to Blogger events and have people feel about me the way I feel about Eleni Zoe or Peter DeWolf. BUT they are crazy good writers and I am a girl from Fresno just vomiting thoughts on a screen in the 2 hours she has at work to do so once a week.

So yeah. That's why I blog.

I think I'm going to start an Intention journal. Write down why I say & do things that cause me confusion/upset. And not just the reasons I would tell the public, but the truth. And, perhaps, this will allow me to know myself that much better and, fingers crossed, one day my journal and what I put out in the world will align.


(My intention was to let you know I struggle internally with my intentions. My fear right now is that you think I'm a big fat Fakey. I'm not. At All. Just working to be the most genuine version of myself.)