Then I shared it. I was told it was too silly and I'd hate it and I needed to find another way. Now, don't go bashing the person who said this. She just cares about me. But I'm not gonna lie. It knocked me down a bit.
Then my car died.
Then it started again.
Then I found out that I'm broke. (This with a bridal shower I'M supposed to be throwing for my best friend approaching)
Then my best friend told me she is going to start dating the most popular guy from our senior class whom I had a celebrity-esque crush on. (which shouldn't bother me, it just makes me feel worse for some reason. Not because I want the guy. AT ALL. But because it just reminds me how much I want to get out of here.)
Then my car died again.
And I felt stuck. Haulted. Unable to tackle my dreams. I don't know how to plan. I'm a talented person. I sing, I act, I write, I stalk. I am relatively ok at making people feel apprecaiated. But I can't get my dreams off the ground. I have a vision and 2 days ago I felt free and amazing for taking mental steps to see them through.
Today I realized I have never adopted structure of any kind in my life. Seriously. Every single day is different. Maybe today I'll do the dishes. Maybe today I'll hang out with my friends. Maybe today I'll make my bed. MAYBE today I'll practice my guitar. Probably today, because I have no concrete plans, I will watch How I Met Your Mother and Norman Reedus videos all day and lay in bed. (Actually today I am going to watch Singing In The Rain with one of my dearest friends, so that might be tomorrow)
Do I enjoy this? In the moment, sure. NPH is hilarious and Norman is dreamy. But like I read in Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman,
"What would happen if my entire life were made up of such easy pleasures, never calling on my strengths, never presenting challenges? Such a life sets one up for depression. The strengths and virtures may wither during a life of taking shortcuts rather than choosing a life made full through the pursuit of gratifications."
And I'm finally ready to work hard. Take a leap and fall. But without a road map, I'm disgustingly scared. What if I wind up homeless. What if I get stranded in a foreign country. I have a hard time networking and asking for help. So what if I'm in Bangledesh without a penny to my name because I lost my backpack and no way to contact anyone? My brain stops me in my tracks. "You can't do this." is always on repeat in the background. I try to ignore it. But hearing it from anyone else turns it up to blaring and I concede that it must be true.
I WANT NEED TO TRAVEL
I WANT NEED TO WORK ON A FARM
I WANT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT
I WANT NEED TO ACT
I WANT NEED TO SING IN A BAND
I WANT NEED TO BECOME A GREAT WRITER
I need these things because they will fulfill my soul. And a fulfilled soul is a productive member of society. As Howard Thurman says: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Im ready to come alive and be impressed with myself.
My roommate has suggested I cut all ties. If I want to be a feral human, roots need to be upped. But the idea of ridding myself of all my possesions and leaving my pup seems near impossible.
And this is why I'm stuck. I'm in between craving the life of a nomad and enjoying the life I have built and the people in it.
My head is spinning.
Any suggestions on how to quench wanderlust and tackle dreams. I'm all ears.
I always have comments. :)
ReplyDeleteI came from nothing and do pretty good for my family. What I have learned along the way so far is that it takes hard work and lots of time to get to where you want to be or do what you want to do. (Remember that where you want to be changes along the way)
If it was easy everyone would be rich and famous.
I know that if you are persistent and work hard you will be traveling and doing what you want on your terms when the time comes.
The crazy thing about us humans is we always want more and we always create worries for ourselves. So don’t stress yourself out and just take it one day at a time. Like I say "You get out of life what you put in it".
Ignore if you want. I just thought I would share since I have learned by what not to do.
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"where you want to be changes along the way"
ReplyDeleteThank You J! You know where I come from. Persistence/hard work was not a skill set asked of me growing up but Im trying. And it feels so good to look back on the struggle and overcome myself.
It means the world to me that you read this but even more that you have shared insight.
Love you Big Bro-in-law :)
I have many, many thoughts about this post. For starters - I think routines are pretty much the bee's knees. I made a giant list of things that I need to accomplish each week and then I assigned them a day. Sometimes I get off track, but it really makes me feel like I've got control of my life. Also, I feel like a freaking goddess when I get everything done! ;)
ReplyDeleteSecond - your list of needs is great! Maybe choose one thing - either the one that you can most easily accomplish or the one that means the most to you and tackle it? I think the sense of accomplishment will do wonders for your motivation and confidence in your ability to make your dreams a reality. Just a thought!
Nicole!
ReplyDeleteI LOVES Yoouu! I'm always happy as a clam to get your insight!
And you are correct! I had decided that losing weight was the most readily available and in my control thing I could tackle right now. Thank you for the encouragement and inspiration. I shall try and implement more lists in my life too!
You rock girly! THANK YOU!