Therapuetic Evolution

I've deleted the last 4 sentences I've typed. Which is very telling of my recent state in life. Haulted.Paused.Stuck.Thinking.Thinking.Thinking...

Probably also the reason I have been avoiding this space.

Profound musings haven't been a friend of mine lately. So why bore you with, "I, um, ate a bagel today. I forgot how much I love bagels...THE END."

But creativity begats creativity, at least that is what I'm telling myself, and I am here to push through this stagnant stretch.

I want to come to you with confidence and happiness. Gems of wisdom that inspire. Yet I've created this persona that is painfully aware of my flaws and as of yet unable to speak with bold know-how when the only thing I am certain about is there is still so much to learn.

Who am I to...

Actually just...

WHO AM I?

Therapy works wonders. Full of "Ah-Ha!" moments and comfort in the fact that there is a way to work through it all. However, it has also lead me down the path of wondering where I stand now. Who am I really? If I'm not the girl who is "enslaved by my need for others' approval" or the "fixer?" Then who am I? All the traits I thought were enate qualities in me are now just an evolutionary process that helped me not to hurt or to make friends etc.

In this I have learned to stifle my introversion in public settings. I can muster giggles and bubbly candor. I can smile and empathize with everything you say. And I like that when I do this I make people around me feel loved and wanted and interesting and appreciated. However, it is also REALLY draining. It is opposite of EVERY interaction that took place in my household growing up. At home it was "shut-up!", "noone cares", "give me what I want", "you are such an annoyance to me", etc.

So who am I? How do I balance myself? When do I stop questioning every single thing in my life and just start living it?

Life is not something you settle for and settling has nothing to do with jumbled thoughts you need to weed through to make sure this is the right path. Settling is choosing to be unhappy where you are. Settling is having a shoulder-shrug attitude about what your life can be. It isn't the job, the guy, the car etc. Sure if those things start hurting you and you aren't as joyful as you should be get rid of those things, but I'm certain that choosing joy isn't depedent upon having everything perfect.

And here I am battling my knowledge and feelings yet again.

Cause the truth is, I FEEL blah. I have chosen to settle into life lately and I am utterly disgusted by it.

I'm still in charge of my own happiness, not my poor, loving, wonderful, giving boyfriend. not my amazingly generous and supportive friends, and not my mother, sister, brother or dog.

So Who am I?

I still don't know. But I think the better question to ask daily is

Who Do I Want To Be?

And I can honestly say I am mostly her already. And I have a lifetime to figure out the rest.