I seriously just spent a good amount of time scheming ways to get a girl who, I'm pretty sure has never liked me, to, you know, now like me.
"Maybe I should write her a letter. Maybe I can ask her to hang out. Maybe I can just call out the fact that I don't think she liked me and apologize for whatever it is that I did..."
Then I realized. This pretty much sums up my life. My prison (as emo as that sounds) This incredibly overwhelming desire to be liked. To be the person that EVERYONE likes.
I called in sick to work yesterday. I was feeling HORRIBLE. Needless to say when you call your boss at 3am he isn't too happy with you. And then I felt even worse.
"What will I say when I go in tomorrow? Should I apologize? Should I list all of my current ailments and tell him my boyfriend HAS been telling me I should see a Dr."..Blah Blah Blah
NOTHING rolls of my shoulders. They are square and jagged and everything gets caught up and stays a VERY long time.
An epiphany hit me not too long ago, maybe it was just more of an observation. It was that people who aren't me don't take so much stock in the approval of others. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am the only member of this lonely club. But I DO KNOW that there are those who feel confidence in themselves and their decisions and don't seek constant validation elsewhere.
I have live my life EXACTLY the way the above quote says not to.
EXACTLY
Every decision I make every think I think spins around every person in my life. Even those people I haven't met yet. The ones that one day will be impressed with me and want to be my friend.
And I'm tired, guys.
The truth is all the motivational quotes in the world don't change my life. I have to change my life.
I see these nuggets of love and joy and self-confidence and think, "Yes!THIS!", and then I continue living exactly the way I have for always.
I want so badly to be done with negative thinking and approval seeking.
I even just deleted a list of things about myself of things I think I need to defend myself about. I DON'T! It's my life and it is insane that I feel the need to proactively defend what I think you will judge me about.
Please if you have input/tips on how to toughen up and get smoother shoulders please pass them along.
And as hypocritical as it sounds, Caring what others think is so not worth it. So if you, too, are on in this club on the other side of the dark room lets turn on the lights, not judge eachother and get through this. Cause it needs to stop.
Love ya,
Krystle
Well, I'm really not sure what to say except that a wise woman (your momma) gave me great advice -- The Serenity Prayer -- it may sound cliché but if you really read it AND think about it, I believe it will help you too. I was a brokenhearted 16 year old girl when she gave me said advice (having a terrible time dealing with a reality that I simply didn't want to embrace) and I'll be 52 next Saturday (August 31st) and it's still my go to when things get rough, don't make sense or I just plain ol' don't like the situation in general ... having the wisdom to know the difference is essential. You've got this girlie ;) BTW, I think you're lovely!
ReplyDeleteSo much thank you, Kim.
DeleteIt IS very fitting. Sometimes I forget that God can help me through it all.
Love you!
P.s. I think you're lovely too!
Make a winning playlist, all rise! ( I hope you get my reference)
DeleteSeriously, Jay Z-Dirt off Ya Shoulder, Bon Jovi-It's my Life, Christina Aguilera-Fighter, Sara Evans-Born to Fly, etc. DO IT!
Positive self talk, that's what's up!
Krystle I LOVE THIS. You were so open and honest here and to be honest that's half the battle. You are very introspective and self-aware. Getting caught up in what others think of us is a very easy trap to get caught up in...but your self-awareness will help you begin to realize this when it's happening and to take steps to work on it.
ReplyDelete