Thursday, September 5, 2013

Goodbyes can be good.






I've talked before about my need to be liked.

And it's crippling affects.

However, for someone who desires approval and takes guilt on themselves to smooth things over etc. I have had people flat out say "I don't want you in my life anymore" on numerous occasions.

Is this common for friends? I understand growing apart and I've had that too. But do most people experience adult friends saying, "I'm not your friend anymore" that often?

This mentality and action was beyond my comprehension for a long time. It would literally leave me enraged when my friends would cut people off and out of their lives. I would think, "How can you compartmentalize people like that?!" and "It hurts so much to have that done, how can you be so mean to someone who still cares for you?"

When it happened to me the first time I remember thinking, "If this person, who knows me better than anyone else, thinks I'm awful and not worth it. I must not be."

(My mind is so mean, huh?!)

I have had to overcome this thought hurdle. I have had to try and reason that I am worth it every day. EVERY DAY.

Recently, it happened again. However, the conundrum was that I did everything differently. And this time, I just let them go. I didn't beg them to stay or worry myself daily with the ways to woo an ex-friend.

Don't misunderstand, I still love her very much. I just couldn't do that to MYSELF. There are days when I miss her, or see something that would look so cute in her house. I often think about my wedding (as girls do) and wonder if we'll make up and she'll be there flowers in hand crying as I walk down the aisle. Which often leads to the internal struggle of reaching out.

Then I remember, I'm not the one who left. I didn't quit.

This leads to a question:

Do you have a criteria for friends? One as comprehensive as the list you may make for a spouse? Or do you just let people in who you gel with. They may be flawed, they may gossip a little too much for your liking and tend to be greedy with food, but you just let it slide because you are friends.

I've been thinking lately that there should be a balance of the qualities you look for and forgiveness when creating a life with people. No matter what role they embody.

I have spent 31 years desiring approval and I didn't think to myself, "Hey, maybe you should decide what you want in a friend." It never occured to me that I was worthy of someone who wouldn't leave.

I have AMAZING friends. I see phenomenal qualities in people and gravitate towards them. And have felt SO BLESSED to have them in my life.

But then there are times when friends stop being friendly, and we all should have the confidence to step away if need be.

I am lucky enough to have friends who are:

Uplifting
Forgiving
Wise
Loving
Available
Affectionate
Honest
Open-minded
Funny
Intelligent
Comfortable
&
COMMITTED

In return I strive to be the same. I am chronically forgiving.

But that does not equate to letting every angry word land in my heart with the weight of the truth.

Angry words, Upset intentions and Wounded feelings are often muddled and need time to become clear.

We are all flawed. We can all be hurtful. But Love is a choice and choosing wisely whom you Love is important.

It hurts to have someone quit on you. But I understand that we all need to choose the best people for ourselves.

Everyone is not trying to hurt eachother, they are just trying to protect themselves. And there is nothing wrong with that.

3 comments:

  1. You were right to let that friendship go and not do that to yourself. Life's to short for that. I am glad that you see the worth in yourself :)

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    1. I'm sure working on it! I appreciate the affirmation. I am also so grateful that you take the time to visit me and share your insights. You are a magnificent writer!

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