So there was this time. When I was young(er) and invincible where my life was so full of adventure and I only lived by whim. Life was too short for responsibility and this band was the soundtrack to my life. I spent so many years crippled by insecurity and a horrible self image and here they were telling me I was BEAUTIFUL just how I was. Encouraging me to rid myself of all my beauty products and be confident without them. I actually spent about 6 months with no makeup. I swore it off completely. However, coupled with this burst of assurance was also a 50+ lb weight loss. I had gotten sick and food was my enemy. I lost weight without trying and was the thinest I had ever been...well...since grade school.
I looked a little like this...but then I started gaining it back
And kept gaining
And after a ruined friendship, A scare that I was going to lose my mom, and an unhappy relationship I tipped the scales at almost 250.
And along with my thin frame my self confidence was lost.
I was letting the Bandits down. I was letting myself down. I thought I had really grasped that whole self-confidence thing. I thought I had severed that tie that linked it to my weight. But in retrospect, it was anchored in my dress size. When I was thin, I quite literally had guys who had gone out of their way to be the assiest of Jack Asses to me, spitting lines of adoration. I scoffed at their advances with friends but loved that I finally had the upper hand. And you know what? It was because of the lowered number on my scale. And you know what else? It felt REALLY good.
I am now in this place of confusion. Trying so hard to be happy just exactly where I am. I am a gorgeous, loving, sassy, un-filtered gal with awesome boobs and a great ass. But I also have experience to tell me valuptuous Krystle isn't a widely desired version as compared to thin me. I can tell myself this every morning and it won't stop me from feeling a little less than when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. If it were just a life lived alone, with wonderful friends and nieces and nephews that love me I think I could be ok. And I am working incredibly hard to be totally and completely fine with that. However, I really do want someone to love someday. Someone to love me in return for all that I am. And that is someone who is NEVER EVER EVER (Cue Taylor Swift) going to be a size 5. A woman who will most likely gain weight when I have kids and pain myself with MONTHS of dieting and exercise to get back to thin-town. A bird who is 5'9 and has to have bones showing in order to resemble thin because I am just not built to be tiny. And yet, I'm still not ok with this.
I'm struggling here guys. I am confident in most places. I love WHO I am. I am proud of WHAT I've achieved, I'm GRATEFUL for the people in this amazing life, and in truth this mug of mine is STUNNING. I have gorgeous blue eyes, eyelashes that touch the sky, porcelain smooth skin, perfect lips and my hair is enviable. It's just the stuff below, the middle ground and the appendages that I look at and feel a little bit of woe in my heart.
I thought it was time I shared a post that didn't have an answer. One that I am still struggling with and to ask for some encouragement. I am definitely on my way to losing the weight, but I so desperately want to be ok before that.
Look at this girl! She just climbed a water fall and her smile is radiant! She should most definitely see herself as GORGEOUS; body and all! Help her out with that, would you?
IN THE MEANTIME THE BANDITS WILL ENCOURAGE ME WITH THESE GORGEOUS LYRICS!
TO OUR UNBORN DAUGHTERS
Written for you these words, the love of my life
the world is yours to discover
with brand new eyes
you're no player in a game of roles assigned
what you possess has no barter, no structure,
no insurmountable walls,
only barriers of perception
Don't you ever be afraid of all of your beauty
you can move without his words
or a grant of submission
Oh they try to smother
you're righteous ambition
and stifle your loving grace
they tell you its a little girl's place
to alter your convictions
no don't you wait...
Put it down, rhetoric
Shake it out now baby
They said you want it
they said you need it
but you don't need it anymore
(and you never did)
They thrust you their products
by making you feel insecure
the matriarch was murdered
and now woman is a four letter word
Put a price on your body
Put a price on your body
to convince you that it's all you're worth
they are afraid of the power they lose
and the gift of creation
so don't you ever listen!
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