December 17th

I can remember the exact day. I think it may live in infamy. One of those days that you just can't forget. Even if you want to. Perhaps. Or maybe, it's just going to take a bit more time.

It's not easy erasing the day you got the news. THE news, that informed you of the reality that your hold wasn't really all that strong. Your efforts were not pervasive enough to warrant a little more time. Later you learned that your impact had diminished long before the end. Before the Break.

The break didn't bring too much pain. Isn't that the time it's supposed to hurt the most? Breaking usually warrants an ache, a pang. Don't misunderstand. Breaking caused a dull twinge. But it wasn't until you got the news, that the agony really set in.

Confusion soon followed. You always doubted the devotion. Some say that's why you failed to have it. But this, this was all too enigmatic. When and where did the canyon form? Your apologies were sincere and you were confident in the bond. Yet here you were, holding the end of an unraveling tie.

Saline was a taste you knew all too well those next few months. Relinquishing the rope seemed imperative at the time and with it, all entanglement was lost. At least in reality. In your mind and heart, people can rarely be undone.

You got stronger. EVERY DAY. Epiphanies have a way of finding you with ease and joy crept in little by little. Soon you'd go days without thinking about that news. You would realize that you do have a hold and your impact far outreaches that of what you had hoped for.

Resenting it all set in with the boost of confidence. Anger absorbed the hurt and you navigated through Joyful days and eventful nights claiming that this was your right of passage. That Day became a far less pondered event. Frankly, you had too much Happiness and Joy to claim to allow it to take up residency anymore.

The news source then offers consolation and with it the final load is alleviated. Freedom is imminent.

With a long exhale an altered fondness takes shape. Life is as abundant as you could hope for.

However, Just like the sun and the moon. It comes back around. And though its affect is no longer damaging, it continues to hold just as much mystery.

What are your intentions, Sir?

Sometimes, like today, when I think "I'm not feeling inpsired by much," I wonder if it will be a day for Sass and Sparkle and a less weighty Blog Topic. But who am I kidding...right? I'm Deep, Yo. It's what I do.

So here I am with the topic of intention. I feel as though this theme in life is a hard one to come by. Not just in blatant ways. I.e. going to the store TO buy groceries, Applying somewhere TO get a job. But in the more interpersonal ways. Why are you really talking to this guy? Did you really just call your mom to say hi? Why DON'T you want this person to be a part of this? etc.

I find in this life, my intentions seem very muddled. I'm not certain why. I could psychoanalyze myself and tell you all the reasons it could be...but I'll spare you. I think it all comes down to second guessing myself at every turn. Which I believe is because, though I like to think not, I care FAR TOO MUCH what people think of me. So when I say or do anything and someone gets upset, I immediately feel bad. Oh, I'll put up a fight. I'll argue my case and rebuttle with the best of them. But inside, I feel at fault. Always.

*cue violins*

So this leads me on a path of confusion with lots of encounters.

I also think, as a human race, we try to put our best face forward. There is nothing wrong with this. However, for me at least, I find myself denying truths and laughing off accusations. What would happen if a guy said, "You know, I think you are wanting more out of this than I do. I thought we were just friends." And I replied with, "You are right. You are a great guy and I thought this could turn into something great. But I understand, you can't help attraction, right." Instead of "Umm, No. Somebody thinks too highly of themselves." Or instead when someone labels me as "Quiet" thinking, "You know. I can be. And there's nothing wrong with that."

There are more, with much more heinous labels and angry words usually thrown my way by my family, but what if instead of rage, I just owned them. At least if they were true. Yeah, I can be a Bitch sometimes...So can each and every one of us. It doesn't make me a horrible person it makes me human. And that is something I am proud to be...most of the time. Sometimes I'd rather be an Orca or Narwhal or even a little snow monkey. But most times, I enjoy my humanity.

Finding my intention is what I crave most right now. To live life on purpose and know exactly why I do every single thing I do and stand behind every word I utter. Like why do I blog? Partly because it is cheaper than a therapist and I enjoy having a place for my overwhelming thoughts instead of having to bore a friend with them. But I'm not going to lie. I hope people love what I have to say. That they feel a connection to it and that I can make them think. I check my stats repeatedly and hope more people would comment. Sooo...I'm a bit narcissistic. I want more blog friends. I want to go to Blogger events and have people feel about me the way I feel about Eleni Zoe or Peter DeWolf. BUT they are crazy good writers and I am a girl from Fresno just vomiting thoughts on a screen in the 2 hours she has at work to do so once a week.

So yeah. That's why I blog.

I think I'm going to start an Intention journal. Write down why I say & do things that cause me confusion/upset. And not just the reasons I would tell the public, but the truth. And, perhaps, this will allow me to know myself that much better and, fingers crossed, one day my journal and what I put out in the world will align.


(My intention was to let you know I struggle internally with my intentions. My fear right now is that you think I'm a big fat Fakey. I'm not. At All. Just working to be the most genuine version of myself.)

Things I haven't said to you.

*I wish you'd talk/write to me

*You really were an asshole and I'm no one's "for now"

*I'm sorry I never answer your calls. Busy is no excuse and I'm afraid one day you'll stop calling

*You are so gorgeous but I think your body image has you feeling insecure. It shouldn't but I will help in ANY WAY I can. I need help there too.

*Thank you for helping me get over my ex. We were less than nothing but knowing a real man helped me realize I deserved more.

*Our past makes me think we could have a future. But That's just sillyness.

*I don't hate you. I actually think you have helped me grow.

*You aren't really all that nice

*You are quite literally one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Words can't even express my love for you. which is why I fail to try.

*Im sorry I judged you at such a young age. I wish I could take it back.

*I kind of have a girl-crush on you.

*My life was better because you weren't in it. Thanks for leaving

*You are worth so much more than you keep letting yourself go for.

*You are not my enemy. You did nothing wrong.

*You were not blameless

*I miss you

*You helped me realize a love for music/musicianship was SUCH A TURN ON

*I try to pretend I'm not like the masses, but really I was just as excited when you broke up with your girlfriend.

*You talk about yourself too much.



Someone Special to Me: My Baby D

It's been awhile since I shared someone whom I love with the world. And seeing as this person is one of the most important people in my life AND it's almost her 21st birthday I figured she would be a good candidate.

This, my friends, is my Baby D!

She is my Baby Sister. Almost 10 years younger than I but my absolute best friend! She is the one person in this whole world who knows my heart better than I do. She is always, ALWAYS there for me and I couldn't be more grateful for the gift she is to me.

Deanna Denise Austin is one of the most charismatic and magnetic humans on this earth. People are drawn to her charm and infectious smile. She radiates confidence and I honestly think she could start a cult in the morning and have 100 followers by lunch. She has a passion for life that cannot be squelched and her heart is so big.

My baby sister has had to deal with a lot of adversity in this crazy life. She has fought with demons and overcome hate. She has struggled and courageously become the amazing woman she is today and she is still triumphing to become the woman she will be. With all of this her love for others has remained pure and intact. She, like me, doesn't know how to quit on those she loves. She is so beautiful.

Baby D is so brave! She moved half way across the country at 19 years old and made a life of her own. Something I have never done at age 30. She knows what she wants and she does it. Sometimes (to be honest) it is a little bit on the inconsiderate side, however, she is young and this life is all she has. I am proud of her for living it to the fullest. For hopping trains and befriending strangers ;)

Deanna Denise, Baby D, Baby Sister, You are my ultimate best friend. You and I have a bond unlike anything I have ever experienced. I Love You beyond words. So this post is doing a great disservice, but I'll try anyway. I love how you know how I'm feeling before I can even say it. I love that you know my heart and have to tell me what is good for me when I don't know. I love that I can call you and say random things like "waiting for an absolution that will never come....what is that from" and you will say "Titanic". You are such a deep thinker and I love that we can spend hours talking about any topic. I couldnt' have made it through this life or in this family without you as my side-kick, my confidant and my partner. I often feel that I owe you so much. That your intuition into my being and willingness to be there for me at any turn are sorely unmatched. I only hope I can be the big sister you deserve and that I have taught you at least something worthy. You really do own my heart baby sister. I didn't know 21 years ago when you were born a month too early and vastly under weight that you would be the one person in this life that meant I had something worth living for. I have someone who cares for me and loves me. I have someone whom I love more and more with each year we share together. In this life you always hope you can find someone who gets it. Who knows what you find funny and who understands WHY you think it's funny. Who understand why that makes you cry, or how to make you feel better.

I'll never forget a time when I wanted to run though the sprinklers at our Alma Mater and my then boyfriend wouldn't do it with me. I looked at you and said "Do you want to run through the sprinklers?" to which you replied, "Not really. But I will do it with you." I knew then that I would always have someone to go on adventures with because I had you. And that I had someone who would do something they didnt' want to do, just because it would make me happy. And that is the most priceless gift anyone can have.

Thank You SO MUCH My Beautiful Baby Sister! Lets go do something you want to do , just because I love your smile SO MUCH and want to do ANYTHING to make you happy.

Love Always,

Your Big Sister

Gilmore Girls taught me Ennui

Sometimes....

And by "Sometimes" I mean all the times...

I just don't do what is good for me.


I mean, I don't even do what I KNOW will make me happy. It's like as soon as it's expected from me, even if it's by myself, I shut down and rebel. "Don't tell me what to do," I say internally and then I pop on some Gilmore Girls and eat some pizza and drink some wine and do nothing productive or fulfilling with my day.

I'm just not sure why. And it BUGS me so. Why do I do this? I have the tools for happiness. I am in the beginning stages of implementing them, but old habits die hard. And those habits are like all the villians of all the lands got together and formed this super beast where only sunlight, silver bullets, garlic, chopping of their head etc. combined will kill them. And most days I'd just rather give in and let them take over.

I wonder if it's lazniess. I think maybe it is. That sucks.

I have said that my new definition of success is living exactly where I am and being happy with the life I have and have created. And as much as I believe this is imperative to finding joy in the now, I crave more. I want to do what I absolutely love. I want to travel the world. I want to meet new people and absorb their intellect and culture and sparkle. But that will never happen if I keep falling prey to my lack of focus and rebellious nature.

I'm not a list maker. I'm not organized. I don't enjoy getting up early. I have commitment issues. Something that seems absolutely amazing will lose it's appeal as soon as I realize it will take up my free time or that I'll have to dedicate years to it. This from a girl who has been desperate for a fairytale romance since age 4. But even that, marriage, kids, career...it's so...permanent! I can't fly off on a whim if I'm tied down! BUT I don't do that now so whats the big deal? Maybe it's because I have never done it therefore I feel unfulfilled, who knows. I'm rambling. And you're still reading...so I'll continue on.

My point is simply that I am single. I have no ties. I can fly off on a whim. I can go out every night and learn whatever I want. I can finish my Happiness Book and Joy Equation prompts. I can master my guitar and exercise. I can move into my car and save money for a year and hit the road on the most badass world tour ever! But...I'm not. And I need to figure out why and fix it.

Perhaps I need to rid myself of distraction. No Gilmore Girls/Dexter until I've done something fulfilling. No chocolate until I exercise. No thinking about a boy (Going on his FB, Reading old converstions, making something out of nothing) until he actually deigns to talk to me. (That's a tough one) And No sitting until something has been cleaned or washed or made or cooked. I really need a checks and balances system in place. But I will rebel so hard. Buh.

Any tips on overcoming this? Feel free to share. :)

Musings of a Shy Extrovert

"Reading maketh a full man; conference a ready man; and writing an exact man."

-Francis Bacon

I used to be painfully shy, rather insecure, and stuck in my head. Call me crazy but I didn't like it so much. As of late, however,  I've been realizing the beauty that is The Introvert. How subtletly trumps brashness and quiet earned wisdom is worth more than loud combative opinons.

I worked really hard to rid myself of my shell. Wear my heart on my sleeve and be able to connect to others. I like people. I like making people feel good about themselves and I enjoy knowing I'm considered a safe place. You all know this, already...Hello Redundancy! So I'm assuming this is why I am considered an extrovert. The Myers Briggs Personality Indicator indicates I am an ENFP. EXTROVERT, Intuition, Feeling, Percieving. Most of it I understand. But why am i an extrovert? Because I'm so friendly? I wonder if I had taken this test back in the day if I would have gotten the same result. I have always adored people. Hmmm...Anyway, I digress.

My point is simply that I am considered an extrovert despite my incredibly shy childhood. I used to call myself a recovering introvert. Now, however, I don't believe it is something to recover from. Not everyone WANTS to have tons of friends nor do they get energized by the company of others. So I had to realize that people can actually be content with their introverted ways and pushing them to do otherwise is just kinda mean. "We are all different, Krystle, crazy huh?!"

With all this being said, I still believe I have introverted traits. I have an inward focus and a strong sense of self which makes me highly self-concious. And I bathe in sarcasm...to name a few

*segue*

I have been following the #VEDA (Vlog Ever Day in August)  posts by a few of my twitter friends. They are so fun and you REALLY get to know the participants. One of the topics was communication. I was watching Eleni's Post from that day and in it she discussed how she is much more comfortable when writing than in person. I first "met" her via her musings on her blog. She is brilliant! Her words about life have quite literally given me chills and caused misty eyes. So to hear her OWN her preffered form of communication was inspiring and got my wheels turning. And this is the ponderating that occured...

With the advent of constant written communication less and less people talk in person or create an actual connection with others. This is sad to me. Also it has been said that the internet is the "fake", "perfect" etc. version of yourself. I, myself, have often thought that if someone met me in person they would find out I am not as whitty and enjoyable in person as I "Seem" on the internet/through my writing.

But is this the truth? I mean. Just because you are taking your time to say exactly what you mean and saying it precisely the way you want to, does that make this version of yourself false? It lives in you. The words are still yours they just aren't as knee jerk when confronted with a constant flow of conversation. I can honestly say that when writing my blog it is rare that I pause. I tend to just let the thoughts flow through my fingers and hit Publish. From time to time I go back and edit misspells and grammatical errors etc. but for the most part the musings/what I am saying stays the same. When I am with someone in person though, I would never be this insightful or Eloquent. I stumble over words and correct myself over and again. But here, where I have time to form a solid topic and dwell and then put out there what I really want to say, I am ME. I am the person who lives inside and doesn't get to come out very often because Extrovert Krystle doesn't know how to shut up and just formulate solid points. She just spews streaming thoughts with no definition. Here, this place, is where I slow down, hone into my former shy/introverted self and let her out in all her wise and lovely glory.

So I  motion to stop thinking that the writer in us is the false version of us. In my opinion it is the purest and most honest. It's just the part of us that lives inside. It is in this place that we are Exactly who we are.

I would walk 500 Miles: Life lessons from Benny & Joon

My computer went kaput on me and I am researching my first laptop purchase. In the meantime, I have been diving into my dvd collection every night for some good entertainment whilst I eat dinner. Last night I felt as though I had struck gold when I found Benny & Joon. I had forgotten I had it! This movie is QUITE WONDERFUL. If you have not seen it I highly encourage you to. OR, even better, come watch it with me!

As I watched I kept thinking, " I feel like this movie had a bigger affect on me than I realized as a teenager." And of course, "I LOVE YOU JOHNNY!!!!"

So I have compiled a list of life altering lessons to be (I have) learned from this tale of quirk, whit and love.

(1)

Sometimes it's ok to win strangers in a bet and let them live in your home. Ok, ok, not really. But I think the idea of being open to new things/people/experiences is what life is all about. Maybe sign up for that couch surfing site like you've wanted to and let people chill at your house whilst they travel the world. OR if you are feeling really brave, invite a vagrant in for dinner. Stretch those comfort zones and enjoy the ride

(2)

Making grilled cheese with an iron NEEDS to happen

(3)

More men should wear suspenders, vests and cool hats. (take note)

(4)

Raisins are grapes who had the life sucked out of them

(5)

Men who do dance numbers with dinner rolls and forks will win my heart whether or not they know how to read. I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have an intense love for one Pooh Bear named Winnie. This is because his simple wisdom is pure and profound. I see Sam (Johnny's Character) this same way. Life is this beautiful thing and we (I) spend SO MUCH time worrying and thinking and dwelling instead of just living. It feels good to work for my A-Ha! moments of simplicity, but some just have it naturally. And I kind of adore them.

(6)

Wordy girls with flowery expressions tend to be crazy. Eeep!

(7)

Read up on/watch more Buster Keaton films

(8)

And the most important life lesson learned is this: Even Juniper Pearl in all her amazing, crazy, intellectual, unstable glory found someone who loved her just the way she was. Now I know she is a fictional character & I will most likely never find a quirky, understanding, Johnny Depp look-alike with a knack for physical comedy of my very own, but the lesson remains. And that is that being happy with every single downfall you or I possess is key. We are not broken. We are not damaged. We are wonderful. This is not to say that we can't be better. But accepting oneself, even the things that you deem ugly or undesireable is imperative. And that is when, one day, you will find someone hanging out in a tree and twirling hubcaps and they will think you are wonderful too.

I've learned recently I feel a lot. I mean, I always knew, but I learned that not everyone does. So as I watched last night and my heart lept and sang and swelled and all the other fun things you can say your heart does when really it just pumps blood in and out, I was joyful in the woman I am.

Thanks Benny & Joon

Love,

Krystle