She stood there, hands gripped together and her mouth suddenly very dry. She listened to one of her favorite melodies accompanied by a sporadic beat. As she closed her eyes she transcended the room and the drumming seemed to dissipate. Then the music stopped and the thumping returned.

She took her mark, got her starting note, and tried to sustain the breath she knew she'd need.

And for once she did something with confidence and didn't let fear win.


I sing. And I'm not going to play the gracious humble girl right now...I'm pretty damn good at it. But, for some reason, I have not done much with the gift I was given. Though it has been a dream of mine to be on stage since I was as little as I can remember, there was always a fear, an excuse, as to why I wasn't good enough.

My teeth are crooked, I'm too fat, I can't dance, I can't do runs like Mariah Carey, I don't have enough training, They only cast people they know (which isn't entirely untrue) and the list could go on for quite some time. I have 31 years of excuses.

In fact, 2 1/2 weeks ago I had told my friend, "Oh, I'm not sure I can get the time off. I don't think I'll go to the audition" I realized I'd kick myself if I didn't at least try so I went to my boss and said, "SO there's this audition, but it's during my shift and it's TOTALLY FINE if I can't get a few hours off to go. I would TOTALLY understand." To which he said, "I'm sure we can work it out"

"Damn!" Now I HAD to go. And for reasons still unknown to this "If you Don't Try you can't really Fail" kind of girl I decided I was going to actually put an effort in. I was going to see a vocal coach and practice as much as possible. That combined with a slew of amazing encouragement from friends and family my faith in myself grew. I went in there and was called back for one of the most iconic roles ever and a role I had marked on my bucket list!

I don't know why I have always considered myself not quite good enough. No matter how many people told me I had a talent, I rebuttled in my own mind that there is always someone better. And during these last 2 weeks I have come to realize that if someone is better it is only because they have worked harder. I have internalized that I am just as talented as those I admire and the only thing holding me back is me. (Could that sound more cheesy?) Cheese or not, it's beyond truth.

So last night, I entered a building with one of my best friends and a new confidence in my abilities. When they called my name I stood there and gave one of the best performances of my life. I walked away knowing I couldn't have done anything better and to me that is a win!

Confidence is an amaing asset in this life. Belief in oneself means not worrying what other people think. I can truly say, whether I get the part or not, I KNOW I was one of the best people in that room, and it says NOTHING of my talent if they don't choose me.

Thank you to EVERYONE who helped me get to this point. And a special Thank You to Ms. Sharon Burley for bringing out of me what I knew I had in there somewhere. You are a GEM, Lovely Lady!

Eventually I will start in on the confidence I need in the rest of my life, but for now I will revel in this perfect moment.

Living up to your own standards

I've recently become blatantly aware of the duality I live with. I think we all have growth we'd like to achieve or a vision of the person we'd like to become. This journey is definitely a constant. But how can one live so far out of touch with the the ideals they believe in?

I believe in Love

But I am so unloving. People like to pretend that love is easy. And when I say that my faith of choice is to live out the Love Jesus taught about without necessarily adopting all of the doctrine of the Christian religion people do not hold back with what they think. "Hippie" is a title I'm attributed quite often and hypocrite is another. Somehow the thought is "You're just picking the easy parts of faith." And I have got to say, Love is in NO WAY easy. The feeling of Love is easy. Emotions come with little work. However the actions of Love are ridiculously hard.

My Love has been tested over and over again recently. Living with your boyfriend causes lots of trials and tests and a GIANT MIRROR held up to your ability to love another. And there staring back at me was this woman, selfish and biting, prideful and unforgiving. In those moments hypocrisy reigns supreme and I wonder how I can live so far off my home base.

I am painfully self aware. How did this creep passed my over ruminating nature? It left me jaw-dropped and speechless.

Then something great also happened. I snapped my mouth shut, started up the engines of my mind and realized I'm still a pretty amazing person. I may not have Love all figured out. I may lose my cool, throw things and cry uncontrollably(sometimes)but I also realize when I've done a poor job at loving that day.

The effort is what matters most. And I am never done trying. I will most likely never live up to being the perfect embodiment of Love but I will try forever to get as close as possible. This calling is hard however the alternative is harder to live with. As Martin Luther King Jr. said:

"I have decided to stick with Love, Hate is too great a burden to bear."

So today I tell myself: Bite your tongue, doubt the negative, & let things go.

How can you Love better today?

Here I Am!

I think my roommate is trying to tell me something...

It's been over a month.

Lots of thoughts have entered my brain however none seemed "interesting enough" for this place. Which is a telling charactaristic. I want to be an interesting person. And when it comes down to it, I've been bored with myself lately.

I hadn't been dreaming big or doing any grand schemeing.

"What's new?" was always answered with, "Nothing much."

So here I am. With not much to say, yet still knowing my life is full no matter what season I am in.

And perhaps blogging is a way to make those dreams come alive. Just maybe my zest for joyful living works hand in hand with the refreshing reminders of what those ideas are by writing about them here. So I have done myself a great disservice.

No more of that poppycock.

So here is a summary of my life in bullet point list form:

* I moved in with my boyfriend in December (after only a month of dating...yep)
* My company was sold and I may be facing lay-off
* I discovered a love for the Mindy Project due to the fact that we are pretty much the same person.
* I want a red panda SO bad and am trying to come up with a way to make this legal
* I have decided to audition again. Les Miserable auditions are fast approaching and unprepared is an understatement
* Benedict Cumberbatch is my new celebrity crush *drool*
* I have realized what true friendship is
* I have come to the conclusion that living genuinely means owning that some of what you preach is a false indication of who you really are...(WHOLE BLOG POST TO COME)
* I have decided to obtain my Real Estate License! I'm SUPER excited
* I have gained close to 20 lbs. Yaay Love! See Also: SARCASM
* I now know I am capable of letting go. And that I don't need to hold on to things that no longer add to my life. (Also something that could use a deeper look)
* Creativity is DRASTICALLY MISSING from my life.
* I had my first orgasm during sex. So magical and amazing.
* I have been having a love affair with David Tutera and his gift of wedding event planning
* I haven't done laundry...literally since probably before my last blog. And I still have clean underwear.
* There are cupcakes in the Newsroom and I must go partake!

I promise to blog more. If not for my readers, for my own sense of purpose and fulfillment.

,# <-- Was meant to be <3

I Never Doubt You Future Husband

We'll fight. We'll be fluent in button pushing and forked tongue word-age. Sometimes you will tell me I'm too emotional (Because truthfully, I can be) And there will be days that I will interpret your young spirit as Man-childish and nag accordingly.

But I'll never doubt our Love.

I don't like doing dishes. Or folding laundry. Our home will look like a scene from Grey Gardens. You will tell me you've had enough and I will be stubborn. You will drive too fast. You will curse like a sailor and my delicate sensibilities will be affronted. I will call you out, and you will be defensive.

But our Love will never be called into question.

Sometimes we will misunderstand. Because fully understanding another person is near impossible. We are complex creatures, Love. We will try to make eachother see our points. We will try to open our eyes and hearts. We will do a tango all too familiar and end up sore and prostrate on the dance floor.

But we will never lose faith in our Love.

I have never felt more loved than this, Future Husband. Even our dark times seem full of light because our Love is radiant. You fill my heart with laugther and smiles far more than sadness. My belief in your brilliance far outweighs my sporadic jabs at immaturity. I'll take your old t-shirts along with the trust I have in you. You'll dry my frequent tears because you know my sensitive heart is one of the reasons you love me.

Know this, Future Husband, I don't doubt us. I may get upset. We may disagree. But that is all part of loving someone. Two imperfect people creating something beautiful.

I Love You.

Love,

Me

You don't hate reading, you just haven't found the right words.

“Do not read, as children do, to amuse yourself, or like the ambitious, for the purpose of instruction. No, read in order to live.” ― Gustave Flaubert


Reading and I have had an ebb and flow kind of relationship.

When I was a wee lass my mother would read to me every night. She would tell me to go pick a book and I would cuddle up in bed as she read in silly voices and with so much character. My favorites I would have memorized. I could not read as of yet, but I had the words hidden in my little heart. The books I adored most were from The Little Golden Books collection. Lady , about Lady and the Tramp was my all-time fave.

However, as I grew, my love of reading waned. I would not read my text books...EVER. Nothing caught my interest. I never read for enjoyment. I remember in 5th grade I read Heidi But my leisurely reading stopped there.

In high school, I was one of those people who said, "I'm not a reader. I hate reading." (I cringe at this now)

Then in my early 20s I realized I couldn't hold my own in conversations. I didn't know much about much and I thought, "I'm too smart to be representing myself this way." A fire ignited to learn and grow and fill my brain.

I truly believe reading builds vocabulary, feeds imagination and builds intellect.

However,

It wasn't until the last few years where I found an actual LOVE of reading. I have found blogs and books and people who I connect with. Whose words bring me to tears and make me feel and think. And I believe there are writers out there for all of us. Almost like soul mates of the written word. Sometimes it's a song. Sometimes it's a poem and sometimes it is a blog post. But when you read those words pieced together it is a whole sensory experience. You are enveloped in the world they created and the emotions they are coveying. They inspire and encourage you to live life. REALLY live life!

I'm grateful to be a reading convert and I encourage you to find your written word connection. I believe there are words floating out there right now waiting to enter your heart and never leave. Keep trying.

Love is Special To Me!

This is Love. Not like she is God or anything, though I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you believed so. But, I mean, that is her name. At least it is to me. She is also my sister. Some may put a "step" at the beginning but to me she is on the single level, equal to me and does not require that adjective.

She has always cared about me beyond words. Taken interest in my life and made me feel important. When we were little she would quiz me on my NSYNC knowledge and ask me questions like "Who would you rather date? Devon Sawa or Elijah Wood?" (Umm Elijah!) She was more than just an annoying little siter. (Pick your own cereal!) She was and IS one of my very best good friends.

Love was kinda shy as a kid. But was SO MUCH FUN when at home. She could make me laugh and bring me out of a funk in a matter of seconds. And I always thought, "I wish everyone saw this side of her."

Then something happened. I wasn't there. I didn't see it. I'm assuming it was gradual. But it happened. She started letting other people see how amazing she was/is. She started shedding her guard and saying innapropriate things. It.Was.AWESOME.

Love IS an amazing person. She has an incredible sense of family and spent the first years of adulthood working her ass off while going to school so she could help support her dad. She took on responsibility no 19 year old should have to. When she should be out playing with friends and drinking a bit, she was riding the bus to the doctor and figuring shit out.

Love loves SO MUCH. She's not all loud about it like me. But she does. Her heart is so full of the people in her life. She would do anything to help them. She would forego her own happiness to see someone else smile...

And Love makes people smile, ALL THE TIME! She lights up any room she is in. With crazy antics or confusing metaphors. She makes every single person in the room feel like they are just as fun and important as anyone else in the room. She does not know a stranger. ANY place she frequents, i.e. doctors office, restaurant, gas station etc. knows her. And not just like a "Oh hey, I see that girl sometimes." No. She builds actual relationships and interactions. Makes up inside jokes and makes them feel special. She can't enter a room without it being a more joyful place after she has left.

Love, words can't do justice to the role you have played in this crazy life we have shared. From meeting on Singled Out to Officiating your wedding I would not trade a single moment of our lives together. You will forever be one of my best friends. I love you so so so so so much. You have made me feel beautiful at times I felt gross. Made me feel important when I felt insignifacnt and made me feel loved when I doubted love at all. I hope that I have been at least a fraction of as great as you have been to me. You are my best friend and I am so excited to see what other antics we get into.

I LOVE YOU!!

Love,

Me

Twenty Twelve

I think it is blogger mandate to write a poignant ending-of-the-year-looking-to-the-new-one post. And I don't do things just to fit in, or to live up to the status quo...at least I didn't think so. But here I am anyway :)

In 2012 came this beautiful outlook and life which spawned from one of my lowest points. To transform so much in just one year and literally feel ALL THE FEELINGS makes it one that will never be forgotten. A year that I will always look back on as a valley that I traversed up and out of to a precipice where I took a flying leap and that is where 2013 finds me.

I have grown in bravery. I have fought the negativity. And I have learned the art of acceptance and intention.

HOWEVER

2012 has also taught me that I still care SO MUCH what people think. My emotions are chain-linked to the perceptions of others. "What are they going to say? What do I say to them when they say that thing? They are going to judge me, I just know it." Even when picturing my life. MY future. I think "what will be most impressive" It's always things I want to do. But I think, "If I don't do them. If I'm not impressive or don't have a great story to tell, Then I'm a failure"

I catch myself constantly making decisions based on the projected reactions/responses of others. This is, in part, due to the fact that my intuition is like a spidey-sense. It's kinda my super-power. You can't lie to me. I'll catch you. And It's REALLY hard to surprise me. (ok...maybe super-power is going too far)

Either way, using this "gift" all the time causes me to be weary.

I am not responsible for others reactions. I am only responsible for my own intentions.

Which brings me to the second fold of this gorgeous free-fall I am currently in the midst of.

I am SUCH A BRAT!

It's true.

I always knew it to be the case. I was rarely told "No" growing up. However, I have spent a long time trying to shed my ridiculous sense of entitlement. So to realize it's still just as prevelent as before only exists in different forms is all kinds of disconcerting.

So here goes.

2013 I am soaring right into you. And with my new found wings come some new intentions for the year.

My Intention words/Theme for this year is:

CREATIVE HARMONY

I need to shed my need for approval yet gain the keys to unity. It sounds lofty. But I believe in both. I also want to continue on the path that this blog was founded on. That of infusing creativity into my every day life.

So there it is. I shall paste these words in my home. Wake up to them daily and remind myself of them throughout the year. I can only imagine how wonderful this year will be.

I am constantly learning this girl and I like her more each day.

I also have a man in my life that is willing to go through the muck with me. Dig in his heels and not give up. He teaches me about love every day. EVERY DAY. The girl who has made Love her mission is learning more regarding the depths of Love from a man whose intent is just to love her fully.

You are going to be amazing 2013!

2012 set you up for a Win!


**What are YOUR intentions for the year? What word(s) depict the year you'd like to live? Adventure? Embrace? Shed? Feel free to share!**