What to expect...when you're not expecting.

I've always wanted to be the best version of myself. What motivated that may have been a bit misguided at times. Most of the time it was in an effort to be likable and make friends. Having little to do with my own well being. However, since I hit adolescence and even a bit before I've always had this other driving force. It may be that it is engrained in all women, but I'm not quite sure. I have wanted to be the best MOTHER I could possibly be. At 14 you could find me reading parenting magazines and rushing home from school to watch Oprah. I grasped very early on that children inherit what their parents teach, but more importantly what they do. I was painfully shy and knew I wouldn't want my kids to live with the burden of insecurity, so I changed it (kind of) In every moment I make plans for the future children I may have someday. I scrutinize every man I'm with. Every bad habit and every loss of temper. I say "No no no, this won't work. I can't raise kids like this"

Lately I've been extremely judgmental. I get harshly angry at people who take having children so lightly. "No big deal, lets make a person and teach them all our bad habits and pollute this earth with bigotry and judgmentalism. It'll stroke my ego to have a little me that people fawn over." That is what I believe their internal dialogue sounds like.

I sit here day in and day out thinking about how I couldn't possibly bring a child into this world. I have so many flaws. I'm painfully self damaging and have a hard time standing up for myself. I have a guilty nature and always feel at fault. I lose my temper regularly. I use guilt on others to get my way. I don't know how to resolve conflict without conflict. I'm stubborn and unforgiving. AND I don't like doing laundry or household chores...or getting up early.

So I wonder why so many people on this planet take it so lightly. Why do others find it so easy to make that decision?

I know that you are never really ready, and there is no perfect human. Flaws make us beautiful. I just don't want my children to hurt the way I do. I don't want to pass my wounds to them. I don't want them to cry alone at night because they can't speak their mind and they believe every single person will eventually hurt them...on purpose. These are things I WILL pass on unless I fix them, and though I am trying I'm just not sure when I'll be free of them. So the truth is, I'm not angry at these people for having kids without the worry, I'm jealous. I wish I could just jump and believe I would be a great mother.

There was a glimmer of hope though. The other day a friend posted a beautiful picture of her and her son. He was smiling so big at her and she was glowing with love, and in that moment I knew if nothing else I would be WONDERFUL at LOVING my children.

So I'm sorry to those I've judged, I'm in awe of your willingness to take on one of life's most important roles.

I've had great examples in my life, especially when it comes to love. The picture at the top is of my sister and my freaking adorable niece. Her mama loves her a lot! :)

Encouragement nice, I could use some myself, but I'll end with this. You are all Goddesses and one day I hope to join your ranks.

Krystle

I know what I want...but not if I deserve it...yet.

What's on your list?

You know, THE list. What are you looking for in the one you'll call your forever person? What will your life be made up of? Where will you live? What kind of kids will you have? How do you want be percieved?

We all dream of what our lives will look like. What they'll feel like. We make plans in our brains and hold fast and hard to those ideals.

Me?

I have always wanted to be Loved. Sounds simple, right? But true unconditional Love, is hard to come by. I wanted to be loved the way a love song feels. I wanted to be someone's world. I dreamed of a love that was hard but worth it, a man who couldn't imagine life without me.

All of this may sound incredibly idyllic. But what can I say, I loved me some fairytales.

And guess what?!

I have all of that! I have a man who loves me with his whole heart. Who has worked incredibly hard to grow and support me in every endeavor I tackle. He is loving, affectionate, quick to apologize (after being defensive when I lash out...yeah...no ones perfect) He makes me feel like a Muse for a love song. Someone who shapes a life because of the love they have found in them. It's incredible isn't it? Loving someone else can change you so much.

But I digress.

The thing is...

I never thought about the love I would give. My focus was solely based in selfishness. A fully outward expectation of someone else. I never thought, "I want to be slow to anger. I want to encourage my guy and make coming home blissful."

Instead, I still react on selfish notions and unrealistic expectations. Despite the unconditional love I am recieving all I muster is a love full of stipulations and contract voiding clauses.

I'm learning the harsh reality of living in my chidhoods daydream.

I am somewhat lost lately as to what I want in life. Who I want to be etc. I do know, however, that I want to be loving. I want to stop my selfishness and let a man who has loved me so perfectly know that he is worthy of that same love in return.

I am at war with myself in this. Selfishness is my resting place, it's my nature. It calls to me in every moment telling me how I am being wronged by every person. And yet, a not as powerful voice whispers that love is my desire. That selflessness is a better life.

It's a daily battle and I'm hoping that I can turn up the volume on the latter and make the first obsolete...maybe when I'm 80.

So what kind of love do you give your partner? This world? And how to you squelch your selfishness?

Your new best friend is you!

She comes walking in and you think, "I'm SO HAPPY to see her." Her smile lights you up and you return the gesture in abundance. As you walk along laughing and talking all you know is that she is your best friend and she makes your life better.

I get out of the car and catch a glimpse of myself in the window. "This shirt makes me look like a heffer," "I really should do my hair more often," "Make-up! Why do I neglect it so?!" I shrug my shoulders and continue on to meet my best friend. Her smile lights me up inside.


I don't know about you, but I NEVER think of my friends in a superficial way. That's what love imparts. You love them. Their heart, their character. The rest DOES NOT matter. You view your loved ones with a deeper meaning. Even thinking of disliking them or judging them based on their appearance is a seriously ridiculous notion.

So, why then, do we do this to ourselves DAILY?!

We should most definitely treat ourselves with the same tender accepting love that we offer to those around us. It should be JUST AS INSANE to look upon our form with judgement and criticism.

For some reason, when faced with a reflection, we become a shell of a person. All we see is our exterior features. We forget that we are lovely for so many reasons that are more than just what can be seen with a cursory glance.

So I call us all to remember we are more than an outward reflection. If only that mirror also flashed at you, "You are so kind", and "Your smile makes other people smile...EVERY TIME", and "Your heart is brave", Then maybe we would remember that that zit and extra weight is not what we are really made up of.

So I say look in the mirror and put content back in that superficial view of yourself. Put yourself in context. If you forego make-up say, "That sleep was SO worth it." And walk confidently through the day knowing that rest is important to you and judgement from others doesn't matter.

Judgement from yourself though, that matters. That even kills. So please battle your inner voices with positivity and love yourself the way you love everyone else. Believe me, You deserve it!

Goodbyes can be good.

I've talked before about my need to be liked.

And it's crippling affects.

However, for someone who desires approval and takes guilt on themselves to smooth things over etc. I have had people flat out say "I don't want you in my life anymore" on numerous occasions.

Is this common for friends? I understand growing apart and I've had that too. But do most people experience adult friends saying, "I'm not your friend anymore" that often?

This mentality and action was beyond my comprehension for a long time. It would literally leave me enraged when my friends would cut people off and out of their lives. I would think, "How can you compartmentalize people like that?!" and "It hurts so much to have that done, how can you be so mean to someone who still cares for you?"

When it happened to me the first time I remember thinking, "If this person, who knows me better than anyone else, thinks I'm awful and not worth it. I must not be."

(My mind is so mean, huh?!)

I have had to overcome this thought hurdle. I have had to try and reason that I am worth it every day. EVERY DAY.

Recently, it happened again. However, the conundrum was that I did everything differently. And this time, I just let them go. I didn't beg them to stay or worry myself daily with the ways to woo an ex-friend.

Don't misunderstand, I still love her very much. I just couldn't do that to MYSELF. There are days when I miss her, or see something that would look so cute in her house. I often think about my wedding (as girls do) and wonder if we'll make up and she'll be there flowers in hand crying as I walk down the aisle. Which often leads to the internal struggle of reaching out.

Then I remember, I'm not the one who left. I didn't quit.

This leads to a question:

Do you have a criteria for friends? One as comprehensive as the list you may make for a spouse? Or do you just let people in who you gel with. They may be flawed, they may gossip a little too much for your liking and tend to be greedy with food, but you just let it slide because you are friends.

I've been thinking lately that there should be a balance of the qualities you look for and forgiveness when creating a life with people. No matter what role they embody.

I have spent 31 years desiring approval and I didn't think to myself, "Hey, maybe you should decide what you want in a friend." It never occured to me that I was worthy of someone who wouldn't leave.

I have AMAZING friends. I see phenomenal qualities in people and gravitate towards them. And have felt SO BLESSED to have them in my life.

But then there are times when friends stop being friendly, and we all should have the confidence to step away if need be.

I am lucky enough to have friends who are:

Uplifting
Forgiving
Wise
Loving
Available
Affectionate
Honest
Open-minded
Funny
Intelligent
Comfortable
&
COMMITTED

In return I strive to be the same. I am chronically forgiving.

But that does not equate to letting every angry word land in my heart with the weight of the truth.

Angry words, Upset intentions and Wounded feelings are often muddled and need time to become clear.

We are all flawed. We can all be hurtful. But Love is a choice and choosing wisely whom you Love is important.

It hurts to have someone quit on you. But I understand that we all need to choose the best people for ourselves.

Everyone is not trying to hurt eachother, they are just trying to protect themselves. And there is nothing wrong with that.

How do you make motivational quotes a reality?

I seriously just spent a good amount of time scheming ways to get a girl who, I'm pretty sure has never liked me, to, you know, now like me.

"Maybe I should write her a letter. Maybe I can ask her to hang out. Maybe I can just call out the fact that I don't think she liked me and apologize for whatever it is that I did..."

Then I realized. This pretty much sums up my life. My prison (as emo as that sounds) This incredibly overwhelming desire to be liked. To be the person that EVERYONE likes.

I called in sick to work yesterday. I was feeling HORRIBLE. Needless to say when you call your boss at 3am he isn't too happy with you. And then I felt even worse.

"What will I say when I go in tomorrow? Should I apologize? Should I list all of my current ailments and tell him my boyfriend HAS been telling me I should see a Dr."..Blah Blah Blah

NOTHING rolls of my shoulders. They are square and jagged and everything gets caught up and stays a VERY long time.

An epiphany hit me not too long ago, maybe it was just more of an observation. It was that people who aren't me don't take so much stock in the approval of others. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I am the only member of this lonely club. But I DO KNOW that there are those who feel confidence in themselves and their decisions and don't seek constant validation elsewhere.

I have live my life EXACTLY the way the above quote says not to.

EXACTLY

Every decision I make every think I think spins around every person in my life. Even those people I haven't met yet. The ones that one day will be impressed with me and want to be my friend.

And I'm tired, guys.

The truth is all the motivational quotes in the world don't change my life. I have to change my life.

I see these nuggets of love and joy and self-confidence and think, "Yes!THIS!", and then I continue living exactly the way I have for always.

I want so badly to be done with negative thinking and approval seeking.

I even just deleted a list of things about myself of things I think I need to defend myself about. I DON'T! It's my life and it is insane that I feel the need to proactively defend what I think you will judge me about.

Please if you have input/tips on how to toughen up and get smoother shoulders please pass them along.

And as hypocritical as it sounds, Caring what others think is so not worth it. So if you, too, are on in this club on the other side of the dark room lets turn on the lights, not judge eachother and get through this. Cause it needs to stop.

Love ya,

Krystle

Therapuetic Evolution

I've deleted the last 4 sentences I've typed. Which is very telling of my recent state in life. Haulted.Paused.Stuck.Thinking.Thinking.Thinking...

Probably also the reason I have been avoiding this space.

Profound musings haven't been a friend of mine lately. So why bore you with, "I, um, ate a bagel today. I forgot how much I love bagels...THE END."

But creativity begats creativity, at least that is what I'm telling myself, and I am here to push through this stagnant stretch.

I want to come to you with confidence and happiness. Gems of wisdom that inspire. Yet I've created this persona that is painfully aware of my flaws and as of yet unable to speak with bold know-how when the only thing I am certain about is there is still so much to learn.

Who am I to...

Actually just...

WHO AM I?

Therapy works wonders. Full of "Ah-Ha!" moments and comfort in the fact that there is a way to work through it all. However, it has also lead me down the path of wondering where I stand now. Who am I really? If I'm not the girl who is "enslaved by my need for others' approval" or the "fixer?" Then who am I? All the traits I thought were enate qualities in me are now just an evolutionary process that helped me not to hurt or to make friends etc.

In this I have learned to stifle my introversion in public settings. I can muster giggles and bubbly candor. I can smile and empathize with everything you say. And I like that when I do this I make people around me feel loved and wanted and interesting and appreciated. However, it is also REALLY draining. It is opposite of EVERY interaction that took place in my household growing up. At home it was "shut-up!", "noone cares", "give me what I want", "you are such an annoyance to me", etc.

So who am I? How do I balance myself? When do I stop questioning every single thing in my life and just start living it?

Life is not something you settle for and settling has nothing to do with jumbled thoughts you need to weed through to make sure this is the right path. Settling is choosing to be unhappy where you are. Settling is having a shoulder-shrug attitude about what your life can be. It isn't the job, the guy, the car etc. Sure if those things start hurting you and you aren't as joyful as you should be get rid of those things, but I'm certain that choosing joy isn't depedent upon having everything perfect.

And here I am battling my knowledge and feelings yet again.

Cause the truth is, I FEEL blah. I have chosen to settle into life lately and I am utterly disgusted by it.

I'm still in charge of my own happiness, not my poor, loving, wonderful, giving boyfriend. not my amazingly generous and supportive friends, and not my mother, sister, brother or dog.

So Who am I?

I still don't know. But I think the better question to ask daily is

Who Do I Want To Be?

And I can honestly say I am mostly her already. And I have a lifetime to figure out the rest.

Grateful for my Loving Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence.

I am currently reading (And have been for months now) Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman. It is the follow up to Learned Optimism, which I had read last year.

Among the millions of life pushing, Encouraging inspiration it offers is the Character Strength test. This test asks you a myriad of questions about your preferences in life and then ranks your character strengths in ascending order.

I enjoy learning more about myself. It's fun. I'm confusing, yo, and any help I can get to decode is a welcomed experience. So I eagerly filled out the questionnaire and hit finish. What came next was not necessarily a revelation or something new.

My top Strength is The Capacity to Love and Be Loved, Followed closely by Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence and Gratitude.

I had high hopes for this intel. "Finally!" I thought, "I'll be able to find a fulfilling career path and dwell in contentment because I will live in alignment with my core values/strengths"

But WHAT ON EARTH does one do with those strengths?

I am too abstract even for my own liking.

I have sat back thinking and dwelling on this for a while now. And still have come up with very little in the way of marrying these strengths and weaving them into a substantial calling in life.

But what I do know for sure is that I need to practice them more often.

Contentment comes when I bite my tongue and choose loving words instead, when I hit the road and revel in the beauty of nature, when I attend a ballet and tear up at the talent the dancers posses, and when I sit down and dwell on what makes me grateful about this life.

None of these things will produce any kind of income. I hope to find a way to live out a calling that encompasses them all at some point.(if you have any ideas I'd love to hear them) But I will just start doing them all and maybe one day the stars will align, I will notice I am doing them all at once and therein will lie my passion work.

What are your core strengths? How do you live them out?